Man-erisms

Long-chinned Gubbins

The Man's Jokes

The Man started telling jokes shortly after we learnt that his daddy would apparently never return, which was eventually disproved. Digi must have missed being able to tell these warped jokes, though, prompting The Man to gush a number of jokes in the style of his daddy. And... here they are:

Q: Why do whistles go "wheeee"?
A: Air blows through them
Q: What did the man say to the waiter?
A: "Hello Dude"!
Q: Where do cats come from?
A: Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Cats"!
Q: Why did the chicken stop?
A: Because it was restricted!
Q: Why did the doctor observe the patient?
A: No one knows that
Q: Why did the train blow smoke?
A: Because it had nothing else to do, of course!

The Man's Excellent Observational Comedy
Have you ever noticed that when a car full of pessimists collides with a car full of optimists, that an implosion occurs? Also, when a lorry full of chickens overturns on a motorway, and we hear about it on the news, are the "chickens" actually human cowards?
Have you ever noticed that when you throw an egg at your cat, you can only actually hit it in the face about three out of ten times? And have you ever noticed that some doctors are shorter than you? I ask you - how are you supposed to have any respect for someone who’s shorter than you are? It’s madness I tell you! Cu! Cu!

Man's Daddy's Jokes

The master himself - The Man's Daddy appeared to us completely unannounced one day when we least expected it. Over the next week his incredible skill for telling disjointed jokes that made no sense won him quite a number of followers. People wrote in asking for more, but after appearing just a few more times he was gone, with Digi insiting that "The Man's Daddy has to go away now, and he's never coming back." Of course this turned out not to be entirely true, as early in 1998 he made a most-welcome comeback appearance, and has reappeared sporadically ever since. Hurray for The Man's Daddy!

Unfortunately the following jokes are mainly from The Man's Daddy's return apperances from '98 to present, with a few exceptions from the good people that have sent some to me. If you know any of the old ones, then let me know, or there will be... oh, I can't be bothered.
Q: What do you call a man with a cat for a car, and a dog for a truck?
A: Dom' pet vehicle-er!
Q: What do you call a man with one arm and no sternum?
A: A Dalek!
Q: Where does Santa Claus live?
A: A Swigloo!
Q: What do you wear to a ball?
A: A footman's wig!
Q: What do you call a man with bread and butter pudding on his head?
A: Pudding Gentleman Type B!
Q: What do you wish for?
A: That your dad was as fun as me!
Q: Why do bees buzz?
A: Because they're not properly tuned in!
Q: How do swans float?
A: They're full of gas!
Q: Why does Batman wear a cape?
A: For when he's out "capering" and buying "masking tape"!
Q: Why do Scottish people have ginger hair and pale skin?
A: Because they're evil mutants!
Q: Where does Grant Mitchell keep his gun?
A: Up his sleevies!
Q: Why do burglars wear striped sweatshirts?
A: So they can pretend to be alien bumble bees if they get caught!
Q: What sort of noise does Medusa make when she blows off?
A: Sss-ttrrtt-trrrtt-sssss!
Q: What sort of noise does Grant Mitchell make when he blows off?
A: Parp!
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Because in the winter, in the north, a giant robot called the Bird-Killer comes out and tries to kill the birds, so they fly south to evade it.
Q: Why are monkeys so cheeky?
A: They just are.
Q: What do you call giant bats?
A: Super Beast 47!
Q: What do you call a man with spaghetti all over his belly?
A: Silly-Belly Spag-Bol!
Q: Why do so many old people wear cardigans?
A: To stop 'em shiverin'!
Q: What do elephants eat in a posh restaurant?
A: Trunkuss soup!
Q: What do you call a scientist with a white face and dark brown fingers?
A: Doctor Pudding!
Q: What magazine do puffins subscribe to?
A: Puffer-Time!
Q: Why do woolly mammoths have tusks?
A: They're knitting needles!
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a dart and a mat with a tan?
A: Catdart Mattan / Katherine Hepburn.
Q: What do you call a guy with a car for sale?
A: Four wheel-away!
Q: What do three horses say to each other?
A: Neigh, neigh, and thrice neigh!
Q: Why does Superman wear his pants outside his trousers?
A: He's a pervert!
Q: What do ducks eat in a Chinese restaurant?
A: Peking Duck (it's not really duck)!
Q: What were the members of Radiohead doing hiding in the boot of a car?
A: They were kidnapped and tied up by a stalker, but he went out to get a packet of fags and they managed to escape. They fled to a supermarket car park where they hid in the boot of a car in case he came looking for them.
Q: What do you call a Cowboy who wears a bowler?
A: Bowleroo!
Q: What do you get if you cross a vicar with a bowleroo?
A: Rooster Hour!
Q: Where does Neil Armstrong go on holiday?
A: The London Planetarium!
Q: What are the main ingredients of shepherds pie?
A: Lots of sheep in a circle!

Biffo has brought it to my attention that the above joke was "censored" for broadcast by the Digi sub-editors. The "Special Edition" is below:-
Q: What are the main ingredients of shepherds pie?
A: Sherrif's hair and poo!
Q: What do ghosts have for breakfast?
A: Grave(stone)y!
Q: What is Count Dracula's favourite food?
A: Shepherds pie!
Q: What sort of choc biscuits do penguins eat?
A: Pen-tasters!
Q: Where do tortoises go during winter time?
A: Marlowe Zoo!
Q: What do you get if you cross a crow with a space hopper?
A: Crow-stuss!
Q: What time is it when an elephant explodes in your garden?
A: Time to laugh!
Q: Who is the presenter of TV's "Question Time"?
A: Mr P. Zenter!
Q: How did the scientist break his time machine?
A: He attacked it with a hose!
Q: How did Sting get his name?
A: He was involved in a "sting" operation along with some beekeepers.
Q: How did Michael Stripe out of R.E.M. get his name?
A: He wore a lot of striped cardigans.
Q: Where do dodos live?
A: Graves!
Q: What is the king of the pigs called?
A: King Pig-u (Pingu)!
Q: What is a vicar's favourite magazine?
A: Priest Control!
Q: Who does Paul Weller look like?
A: My friend's dad!
Q: What did Father Christmas say when he got stuck up the chimney?
A: I'll be alright.
Q: Why do you always think about skinheads in the bath?
A: It's because skinheads are looking in the window.
Q: Why did the bison do tricks?
A: It worked for Trick-fards!

The jokes continue, man...

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The Humility Bit:-

Thanks to everyone that's mailed me with their lovely support, and especially to those that have sent in some of the Man's Daddy jokes that you've just read. Look: Jonathan Cundey, Marc Billyack, J. Will and S.C.Virgo - thanks for helping to stuff new material down the slacks of this site. Why, it's so touching it almost makes me want to clasp my sternum!

Do you have any Man stuf? Do you know any of the much-sought-after Man's Daddy Jokes? If you do mail me with it right now, man.

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Copyright © Chris Bell 1997-2007. All Rights Lovingly Fondled.