Man-erisms

Long-chinned Gubbins

The Daddy jokes continue...

Q: What do you call a TV show about the sad plight of a poor wasp who has become wedged in small gap?
A: Hole-bee Pity (Holby City)!
Q: What do you call a TV show about a Welshman's vintage model railway set?
A: Hugh's Steam Trains (You've Been Framed)!
Q: What do you call a man who gets cross when he is prevented from Frenchying some asphalt?
A: Kiss Tar-Rant (Chris Tarrant)!
Q: What do you call a man who cleans up the autumnal mess in his garden - but only in the hours between dawn and dusk - only to find it getting stuck in wet asphalt?
A: Day-Leaves Tar-Have-It (Dave Lee Travis)!
Q: What do you call a man who can drag 2,240lbs, but only when he's underwater?
A: Pull Mer-ton (Paul Merton)!
Q: What do you call a man who stole 2,240lbs of OUR wasps by dragging them out of our waspery?
A: Anger-us Bee-ton (Angus Deaton)!
Q: What do you call a woman who drives a car filled with a sticky viscous liquid made by bees and who thinks it's wonderful?
A: Glory! A Honey-Ford (Gloria Hunniford)!
Q: What do you call a woman who drives a car onto 2,240lbs of instruments used to unlock doors?
A: Car-on Key-ton (Caron Keaton)!
Q: What do you call a man who wears a pair of stupid glasses made out of picture surrounds?
A: Frames See Quirk (James T Kirk)!
Q: What do you call a man who sees some asphalt near a wharf, and rings his parrot to tell it?
A: Dock-tar Phones Macaw (Doctor "Bones" McCoy)!
Q: What do you call a man who performs a lewd joke, illustrated using a gammon steak?
A: Ham So-Low (Han Solo)!
Q: What do you call a woman whose children have children, and whose surname is Murphy, but whose second husband is one Mr Parkinson?
A: Gran Murph'-Parkin' (Grand Moff Tarkin)!
Q: What do you call an Essex girl who owns a mobile hotdog and shoe polishing business?
A: Sharon's Van Frank 'n' Shine (Baron von Frankenstein)!
Q: What do you call a young horse with a disease which causes horrible lumps to appear on its scalp?
A: Foal Head-Mounds (Noel Edmonds)!
Q: What do you call a man who is in mourning because someone he loves was killed by a clothes peg blown into their face by a freak tornado?
A: Grief Peg-Wind (Keith Chegwin)!
Q: What do you call a book about a pair of shrieking cows who teach their family to dance?
A: Two-squealer Rocking-Herd (To Kill A Mockingbird)!
Q: What do you call a book about a blind sculptor who makes statues of people's faces by videoing them, and then playing the video back and touching the screen?
A: Play-vid Copy-feel (David Copperfield)!
Q: What do you call a book about a computer operator whose workstation is plunged into darkness by the Millennium Bug?
A: Brian, The Glitch, And The Lightbulb (The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe)!
Q: What do you call a book about the actor Ving Rhames having his seaside picnic spoiled by insects?
A: Rhames And The Pie-Ant Beach (James And The Giant Peach)!
Q: What do you call an android adjudicating officer who decorates the sycamores in his garden with girls' toys?
A: Ro-Judge Doll-Tree (Roger Daltrey)!
Q: What do you call a little, round, green man who posts garden tools to his friends?
A: Pea Trowel-Send (Pete Townsend)!
Q: What do you call a couple who enjoy day-trips to France to purchase metal girders?
A: Ferry and I-Beam (Terry and Irene)!
Q: What do you call a man who does dirties on large-nibbed felt-tipped pens?
A: Marker Fouler (Mark Fowler)!
Q: What do you call a man who makes shirts for a living, and makes a shirt for someone, but forgets to put the arms on, and promises that he'll do it later?
A: Sleeve Owing (Steve Owen)!
Q: What do you call a man who keeps his Chinese condiments in a replica of the Afterlife?
A: Soy Heavens (Roy Evans)!
Q: What do you call a book about a Welsh SAS soldier who hates womens' underwear and thinks he's a Roman Emperor?
A: Bra-foe Huw Nero (Bravo Two Zero)!
Q: What do you call a book about a woman who likes to build things over rivers and who calls her milkman to check on delivery times?
A: Bridge-it Phones Dairy (Bridget Jones' Diary)!
Q: What do you call a cow who is a lawyer-for-hire who stands in a hole in the ground from which people usually drink, and goes to toilet in it?
A: Law-rent Loo-Well-In Bovine (Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen)!
Q: What do you call a sulking man who inhales a load of skin flakes?
A: Dust-in Huff-man (Dustin Hoffman)!
Q: What do you call a man who bites a female sheep expecting it to taste like gammon, and then when it doesn't he punishes his male child?
A: Ham-Ewe-Hell Smack-son (Samuel L. Jackson)!
Q: What do you call a man who passes an English exam by making a new word by adding the fifth letter of the alphabet to the end of the word "spit"?
A: E-on Right (Ian Wright)!
Q: What do you call a man called the male equivalent of Leanne, who is in love with a female seagull, and hums her a love song as he presents her with a gift of a vehicle?
A: Lee-hum Gull-her-car (Liam Gallagher)!
Q: What do you call a man who doesn't believe in Satan, and drives around in a car with a female seagull?
A: No-Hell Gull-her-car (Noel Gallagher - Liam's brother).
Q: What do you call a man who has no lower part of his face, and won't stretch out on the floor?
A: Jaw-non Lay-non (John Lennon)!
Q: What do you call a woman who wants to make an omelette, but drops her only egg down a drain?
A: Yolk-go Oh-No (Yoko Ono)!
Q: What do you call a man who dresses his window ledges - believing them to be female - in underwear, and who has recently been given a building to keep horses in?
A: Sill-vest-her Stall-own (Sylvester Stallone)!
Q: What do you call a man who has to have microphones everywhere he goes, otherwise he'll gnash his teeth?
A: Mic-all Bite (Michael Knight)!
Q: What do you call a man who eats a Greek sandwich on top of a large mound?
A: Hill Chew-Pittas (Phill Jupitus)!
Q: What do you call a man who is waiting for the formation of an office dedicated to overseeing the distribution of firm seating?
A: Chair-hard Dept. Due (Gerard Depardieu)!
Q: What do you call a Frenchman whose girlfriend, Dee Dee, has bought him a hat from Brazil that he's not very keen on?
A: Le non du Dee's Cap Rio (Leonardo DiCaprio)!
Q: What do you call a computer-generated man who can't decide what vehicle to use to visit the Queen?
A: Tron Mall-go-which (John Malkovich)!
Q: What do you call a cute girl who wins a prize for using a roundabout more times than anyone else?
A: Win-on-a Ride-aaah (Winona Ryder)!
Q: What do you call someone who owns an antler-bearing ruminent mammal, and is being viewed by close-circuit television?
A: Camera-on Deer-has (Cameron Diaz)!
Q: What do you call a man who has a stinking male child, and a female child called Amanda, who owns a four-wheeled road vehicle?
A: Smell-son Mandy-car (Nelson Mandela)!
Q: What do you call a man whose life is made a misery by his own idiocy, and has just cleaned himself?
A: Dense-hell Washing-done (Denzel Washington)!
Q: Why did the wasp sting the delivery boy?
A: Because the boy was a stingston!
Q: Where do seagulls go during the winter?
A: The Valley Of Bronson-warm!
Q: What do you call a man with a beard down only one side of his face?
A: Halfen Fuzz!
Q: What do you get if you pump a Cornish pasty full of helium?
A: A high voice-inducing cake!
Q: What do you call a man who thinks pigs are dogs, dogs are ice-creams, and ice-creams are icebergs?
A: Helios 7!

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The Humility Bit:-

Thanks to everyone that's mailed me with their lovely support, and especially to those that have sent in some of the Man's Daddy jokes that you've just read. Look: Jonathan Cundey, Marc Billyack, J. Will and S.C.Virgo - thanks for helping to stuff new material down the slacks of this site. Why, it's so touching it almost makes me want to clasp my sternum!

Do you have any Man stuf? Do you know any of the much-sought-after Man's Daddy Jokes? If you do mail me with it right now, man.

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Copyright © Chris Bell 1997-2007. All Rights Lovingly Fondled.