Man-erisms

Long-chinned Gubbins

The Daddy jokes continue...

Q: What do you call a dark Jedi Knight, who runs around going "Brrm! Brrm!"?
A: Car Vader (Darth Vader)!
Q: What do you call an insect who turns from a caterpillar into a patch of fuzzy foliage?
A: A moss (a moth)!
Q: Where do trees shop?
A: Roots (Boots)!
Q: What happens if you cross a church with a ferris wheel?
A: Revolving fonts!
Q: What happens if you choke on a chrysalis?
A: Bessie the Moth comes out of your nose!
Q: Where do crows go on holiday?
A: A "crow-liday" park!
Q: What happens if you cross an ostrich with a handbag?
A: You get an ost-bag!
Q: What did the big tumble dryer say to the little tumble dryer?
A: Sssssth! Ssssssthrrrrrr! Sssss! Ssssthrrrrr! Thrrrrrr!
Q: Where do policemen go on holiday?
A: Helmet Land!
Q: What happened when the man confused his dynamo with a cactus?
A: He got "spindle-hands"!
Q: Why do bats sleep on the roofs of caves?
A: Because they're blind and can't find their beds!
Q: What do you call a gorilla with no ears?
A: Gus Soundless!
Q: What happened when the Oscar statue was eaten by a skunk?
A: He won the Smellston Award!
Q: Why did the Mexican puff pepper up the mastodon's nozzle?
A: Because he thought it was a prehistoric baguette!
Q: What do you call a monkey with mustard on his hands?
A: Poupon 7!
Q: What happened when the policeman ate a spinning top?
A: He became PC Revolver!
Q: How many workers in a felt tipped pen factory does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one. The others have to get on with making the pens!
Q: Why did the orange stop?
A: It was swallowed by a vortex!
Q: What do you call a bird who is made out of tissue paper?
A: Rustle-Crow (Russel Crowe)!
Q: What do you call a man who gets angry when he sees super-computers, and spends his waking hours watching films on tape?
A: Cray-Grrr Day-vid (Craig David - the R&B sensation)!
Q: What happens if you cross a kangaroo with a flower?
A: You get a big, smelly 'roo!
Q: What happened when the artist set out to draw pictures of Australian mammals on bathroom fittings?
A: He did a 'roo in the toilet!
Q: What did the customs official find down the Australian animal smuggler's trousers?
A: There was 'roo in his pants!
Q: Why did the dessert-eating man burn his mouth?
A: He got his CUSTARD powder confused with MUSTARD powder.
Q: Why did the other dessert-eating man burn his mouth?
A: He got his DESSERT confused with a DESERT, and tried to eat the desert, and, unfortunately, the sand was very hot.
Q: What happened to the chef who served his guests a wasp pie?
A: SSSSSTUNGGGGG!!!!!
Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a pearly king?
A: A new type of mar-suit-pearl!
Q: How many moths does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Moths can't do that.
Q: What happened when the elephant tried to get inside a tumble dryer?
A: It died!
Q: Where does Leonardo di Caprio go for his holidays?
A: The Beach!
Q: What sort of hamburgers do policemen eat?
A: Big Cells (Big Macs)!
Q: What do you call a man with a cast-iron throat, that's covered in moss?
A: Thorax Steel!
Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cotton bud?
A: Leapin' buds!
Q: How many leapin' buds does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: N-n-n-nineteen!
Q: What do you call a Spanish robot with a swan's head?
A: Senor Cygnet Electro!
Q: What happens if a wagon wheel falls off a wall onto your head?
A: You get "wagon concussed"!
Q: What did the big blackbird say to the little blackbird?
A: "Burd"!
Q: What do you call a drunken lady who is so desperate for booze that she's taken to inhaling the fumes from a bottle of spirits, and has only small, chalky sweets to eat, which - OH! She has just dropped!
A: Gin-sniffer Low-Pez (Jennifer Lopez)!
Q: Who is your favourite James Bond actor?
A: Rory DeBarres!
Q: What do you call a bald popstar who has a fat wasp as a pet, whose pelt he keeps trimmed with a tiny lawnmower?
A: Mow-bee (Moby)!
Q: What do you get if you cross a policeman with a bungalow?
A: PC One-floor!
Q: What's your favourite sweet?
A: Refreshers!
Q: What happens if you thrust a hosepipe into a beehive and turn it on full blast?
A: The Jetson Wasps (Jackson 5)!
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers and a cape?
A: To freak out his opponent!
Q: What's your favourite drink?
A: Mushed yams!
Q: Why did the police sergeant swallow a twenty pence piece?
A: He was Copper Coin!
Q: Why did Picasso cut off his ear with a knife?
A: He was trying to slice his head!
Q: What's your favourite song?
A: In The Ghetto - by Elvis!
Q: What did the big policeman say to the little policeman?
A: Get out of my shoe!
Q: What happens if you cross-pollinate a mulberry bush with an old oak tree?
A: Mulbe-ston!
Q: What did the Eskimo have for his dinner?
A: Seal eyes!
Q: What did the fat barber say to the thin barber?
A: Stop hiding behind my stick!
Q: What happens if you get a wasp, stick it to the top of a spoon, and rub it against a window?
A: Bee-glazing!
Q: What is your favourite magazine?
A: Power Zone!
Q: What did the Eskimo use to stop ants getting into his igloo, and crawling on his seals?
A: Seal-ant (sealant)!
Q: What did the big zookeeper say to the little zookeeper?
A: Stop going in that thimble!
Q: Where do Eskimos go to toilet?
A: Eski-holes!
"Once upon a time Luke Skywalker had a job in a shop that made signs using big letters. His boss was Ben Kenobi. Once Luke had to put away the unused letters.
"Unfortunately, there were so many spare letter 'U's that he couldn't get the drawer closed. He asked his boss, Ben Kenobi, for advice. And do you know what his advice was? Force the 'U's, Luke! Do you get it? It sounds a bit like 'Use the Force'!"
"One day, the Invisible Man was painting his fence, when another man, Richard, came along. From Richard's point of view it appeared as if the fence was painting itself!
"While this in itself is very amusing, the really funny thing is that the Invisible Man then started painting Richard's trousers, and also threw a bucket of gunge, and a piece of coal at him! Hahah! Brilliant!"
Q: What did the big fisherman say to the litte fisherman?
A: Stop hiding in that bucket!
Q: What happens if you cross-pollinate a tulip with a dandelion?
A: Dande-lips!
Q: What did the Zulu warrior have in his packed lunch?
A: Dande-lips!
"There was this Eskimo who went into a fish and chip shop and ordered cod and chips twice.
"Well, the person that worked in the fish and chip shop wasn't very happy when - after handing over two portions of fish and chips - the man threw them back at him. He'd actually ordered 'cotton clips', but the person serving him had misheard! Pretty funny, yeah?"
Q: What happened when Batman's car broke down?
A: He phoned Robin, but Robin was out with his mates, and Batman had to flag down another car - and it was being driven by Superman!
Q: Which bird sounds like a carrot?
A: A carro' (a crow)!
Q: Why did the elephant bark?
A: He was a dogruss!
Q: What happened when Superman blew on a whistle?
A: He blew so hard that the little dried pea thing inside burst! Yes IT ACTUALLY BURST!
Q: Which bird sounds like a load of fire-retarding bubbles?
A: A foamer!
Q: Why did the orphan mewl?
A: The beadle had knokced over his gruel!

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