Man-erisms

Long-chinned Gubbins

It can't be easy for the cast of Star Trek. They were just beginning to claw back some of the popularity that the series lost after the release of Star Wars, when what happens? George Lucas goes and puts out another Jedi-fest, thus once again stealing the Trek thunder. But, there is a good reason for this: it is that Star Wars is excellent, and that Star Trek smells of decaying crayfish. You see, Lucas had the right idea: the idea to kick puffins in the stomach! (lie). He waited 16 years before the next installment of his One-Big-Film-In-The-Shape-Of-Nine saga, whereas there seems to be a new Star Trek film every seven seconds. This somewhat denies it the mystique that Star Wars enjoys, with very little anticipation of the next feature because of their huge frequency. And you know what? It doesn't look like letting up, as The Man brings us a sneak preview of the thirteenth and ninth films in the franchise:

INT. USS ENTERPRISE

SPOCK: Captain, I'm picking up something on the monitor.

KIRK: What... is it... Spock?

SPOCK: It's some kind of grey, greasy residue, smeared across the screen.

KIRK: Don't... touch... it!

SPOCK: It's all right, Captain. I'm using a tissue.

KIRK: That... is... all... right!

INT. USS ENTERPRISE

KIRK: Mr... Spock. I... need... a... sens... or... read... ing.

SPOCK: Sensors show that the ship is under attack from some kind of sentient space doughnut. Captain? Why are you dancing like that?

KIRK: I... just... want to... disco.

SPOCK: That is illogical, Captain.

KIRK: I... just... want to... disco. To hell... with... orders.

INT. ALIEN PLANET

KIRK: Mr... Spock. What... can... you tell me... about this... place?

SPOCK: My tricorder reading shows that this is the planet of the space monsters, Captain. We'll probably see one in a minute. Oh look!

SPACE MONSTER: Hello, everyone.

KIRK: Hell... o... space... monster.

SPACE MONSTER: Heh. He speak so funny!

EXT. CAVE - ALIEN PLANET

SPOCK: Captain, I do not wish to alarm you unduly, but there is something on your face.

KIRK: My god... Spock... what is... it? What is... it?!? Get it... off... before... it... kills... me...

SPOCK: That is unlikely, Captain. I believe it is nothing more than some toothpaste resulting from your careless brushing this morning.

KIRK: I... hate... you... so... much.

ON THE BRIDGE OF THE USS ENTERPRISE

PICARD: Mister Worf. Status report.

WORF: I'm feelin' fine, Captain.

PICARD: What?

WORF: The sun is shinin' and I'm feelin' fine!

PICARD: That sun is about to go supernova! We have to stop it!

WORF: Don't you worry about that. Do you want one of my Scotch eggs?

INT. THE BRIDGE OF THE USS ENTERPRISE

PICARD: Mister Worf, fire a warning salvo across their bow.

WORF: Who do the what now?

PICARD: Fire photon torpedoes!

WORF: Right... remind me again which button does that.

PICARD: I don't have time for this!

WORF: Don't you talk to me in that tone, you baldy posh captain.

INT. THE BRIDGE OF THE USS ENTERPRISE

PICARD: Mister Worf, how many photon torpedoes do we have remaining?

WORF: What's the magic word?

PICARD: What?

WORF: A "please" wouldn't go amiss.

PICARD: Please.

WORF: What was the question again?

PICARD: I hate you, Mister Worf.

INT. THE BRIDGE OF THE USS ENTERPRISE

PICARD: Mister Worf, what is the status of the transporter room?

WORF: It's in a terrible mess.

PICARD: Did it take a direct hit?

WORF: It's not so much that. There's just mess all over the carpet, crisp bags, chewing gum...

PICARD: DID IT TAKE A DIRECT HIT?!?

WORF: Ooh - get him!

INT. THE BRIDGE OF THE USS ENTERPRISE

PICARD: Mister Worf, open hailing frequencies to the Romulan vessel.

WORF: Which button does that again?

PICARD: Just do as I say!

WORF: Um... right... it's this one!

PICARD: Mister Worf! You've just destroyed the Romulan ship!

WORF: I thought that's what you told me to do.

INT. THE BRIDGE OF THE USS ENTERPRISE

PICARD: Mister Worf, contact the surface and tell them to prepare for my arrival.

WORF: What shall I tell them you'll be wearing?

PICARD: What?

WORF: Will you be wearing a wig, sir?

PICARD: How dare you!

WORF: Oop. Touched a nerve there...

Do you have any Man stuf? Do you know any of the much-sought-after Man's Daddy Jokes? If you do mail me with it right now, man.

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