Man-erisms

Long-chinned Gubbins

How can you tell when a once-great show needs a humane blow to the cranium with a twelve bore shotgun? Usually about a series or so after said programme is magically transferred from BBC2 over to BBC1, when it finally dawns on them that they've got a hit on their hands. As is the case with The X-Files. Yes, the film was good, but the TV series has become about as engrossing and believable as old episodes of Space 1999, or Fatty Rogers. And I'm not talking about the cultish early episodes - the real slap-your-grandmother-with-a-wet-fish-bad later ones. You can understand the fact that The X-Files won't die - it's a popular show, and (used to be) very good, but you get the feeling that Chris Carter and whoever the hell else writes it now, have just run out of ideas and started putting the sort of plots in that wouldn't get into a third-rate Japanese anime series. Starring Shampoo. So read on, as we discover all-new ways in which to desecrate the memory of a once-great show...

INT. SCARY WAREHOUSE. NIGHT

SCULLY: This place is abandoned, Mulder. We won't find anything here.

MULDER: Won't we, Scully? Won't we?

SCULLY: What's that you're holding?

MULDER: It is... an alien skull!

SCULLY: It looks more like a basketball to me, Mulder.

MULDER: It is... an alien skull!

INT. SCARY WAREHOUSE. NIGHT

SCULLY: According to these papers, this place used to store medical supplies.

MULDER: But what kind of medical supplies, Scully?

SCULLY: Wait - theres some kind of strange residue on the floor, I... oh, Mulder, couldn't you have gone before we left?

MULDER: You were the one who forced me to down a flask of tea.

INT. MULDER'S APPARTMENT. NIGHT

MULDER: Look, Scully - aliens!

SCULLY: I know, Mulder. You're watching Star Wars on video.

MULDER: Are you crazy, Scully? This is concrete evidence that intelligent extra-terrestrial life exists.

SCULLY: It's a film, Mulder - look there's Yoda.

MULDER: Yo... da? How do you know his name? Perhaps you're one of them! Die!

INT. MULDER'S APPARTMENT. NIGHT

MULDER: This video tape is all the evidence I need to reveal to the world the existence of alien life.

SCULLY: You're going to prove the existence of extra-terrestrial life with a bootleg copy of The Phantom Menace?

MULDER: What are you talking about? This tape contains detailed footage of alien life forms and vehicles.

SCULLY: Sigh... Where did you get it?

MULDER: ... At a car boot sale.

INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS. DAY

SKINNER: I'm suspending you two for blowing up the Statue of Liberty.

SCULLY: But, sir, it had nothing to do with me. Blame Mulder - he kept saying he was going to kill a giant alien. I thought he was talking in metaphors.

SKINNER: Is this true, Mulder?

MULDER: Hic... I rilly rilly lurve you.

SCULLY: Sorry, sir. Mulder is drunk.

INT. MULDER'S OFFICE. DAY

(Mulder and Scully sit staring into space. Mulder occasionally scratches his face.)

MULDER (Sighing): It's not the same since we solved that UFO conspiracy.

SCULLY: No.

MULDER: Do you want a cup of tea?

SCULLY: Yes, please.

MULDER: Oh, wait. I forgot to get any. Do you want some Um Bongo instead?

INT. MULDER'S OFFICE. DAY

(Mulder and Scully sit staring into space, impossibly bored).

MULDER(Sighing): What do you want to do today, then?

SCULLY: I don't really mind.

MULDER: Shall we go to the park?

SCULLY: We went to the park yesterday.

MULDER: Oh yeah, I remember. That dog jumped in the pond. Ha ha ha! And then he got that man wet. Ha ha ha ha!

INT. MULDER'S OFFICE. DAY

MULDER(Sighing): What's going on then?

SCULLY: What do you mean?

MULDER: What shall we do today?

SCULLY: I don't know.

MULDER: Do you want a cup of coffee?

There is a pause of several minutes.

SCULLY: ...Go on then.

INT. MULDER'S OFFICE

SCULLY: Mulder, what are you doing?

MULDER: I've had enough of no one believing my crazy theories. I'm sick of people thinking I'm a crank, so I'm burning our X-Files case files here in the bin.

SCULLY: Are you sure they're our case files, Mulder? They look like bank statements. And can you explain this book on your desk - How To Be A Tax Exile?

MULDER: You misread it. It's er... How To, ah, Be A Taxi... um... X-File?

INT. MULDER'S OFFICE

SCULLY: Mulder you look so worried. Are you in some kind of trouble? Why are you hiding under your desk?

MULDER: It's old Mr Peterson.

SCULLY: Mr Peterson?

MULDER: He runs the sweet shop on the corner. I kicked my football through his window and now he's mad at me.

SCULLY: I... don't understand.

MULDER: What is there to understand? If Peterson catches me I'll get spanked.

INT. MULDER'S OFFICE

SCULLY: Mulder, I'm going to get a coffee. Do you want one?

MULDER: I beg your pardon, matron?!?

SCULLY: Do you like it sweet and hot?

MULDER: Oo-er, missus!

SCULLY: One lump or two?

MULDER: Fnarr fnarr! Oy oy!

SCULLY: Mulder, isn't there some other way to suggest a simmering will-they/won't-they sexual tension between us?

INT. MULDER'S OFFICE

SCULLY: Mulder, I'm quitting the X-Files. I've had enough.

MULDER: Enough of the constant brushes with death? Enough of having your perceptions of reality shattered by constant exposure to supernatural phenomena, high-level government conspiracies and murderous mutations?

SCULLY: It's not so much that. I'm just sick of someone who refuses to wear trousers around the office.

MULDER: Hey - you know the doctor said I need to get some air to my thighs.

INT. MULDER'S OFFICE

SCULLY: Mulder, I've just received a phone call from a man who claims to have seen a UFO.

MULDER: Really, Scully? I can't say I'm terribly bothered.

SCULLY: What? But you're usually so keen to investigate these paranormal cases.

MULDER: Yes, but I've come to realise that most UFOs are little more than funny shaped clouds and helicopters. Also, I've got the runs.

INT. MULDER'S OFFICE

SCULLY: Oh, it's real sad that Mulder had to leave The X-Files. Who will I solve mysteries with now? Wait a second - something's moving under that pile of paper... it's... it's a crow!

CROW: Howdie-doodie, little miss!

SCULLY: A... a talking crow?!? But I don't understand. I feel scared.

CROW: Don't feel scared. I'm your new partner - Colin The Talking Crow!

SCULLY: You're really X-cellent! Ha ha!

INT. MULDER'S OFFICE

SCULLY: It's a big shame that Mulder had to leave The X-Files, but now I have a crazy new partner - Colin The Talking Crow!

CROW: Caw blimey!

SCULLY: Hahaha!

CROW: Get this!

SCULLY: Ow - you bit my face! That really hurt.

CROW: Yes, I forgot to mention - I'm an evil talking crow.

INT. MULDER'S OFFICE

SCULLY: It's a big shame that Mulder had to leave The X-Files, but it's an even bigger shame that my new partner is an evil talking crow!

CROW: I hope you drown.

SCULLY: That's not very nice.

CROW: Neither is your hair, you repellent heifer. Or your face.

SCULLY: Stop being so nasty.

CROW: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Why don't you go and choke on a cushion?

INT. MULDER'S OFFICE

SCULLY: Oh, I really wish that Mulder hadn't quit The X-Files, and left me to be partnered with a talking crow.

CROW: An EVIL talking crow.

SCULLY: You're not so evil. You're just rude and obnoxious.

CROW: I am evil. Look.

SCULLY: Oh... my! That's the most horrible thing I ever saw.

CROW: Told you so.

EXT. FARM

SCULLY: Tell me again where you saw the UFO come down.

FARMER: It was in that field where I... why do you have a crow on your head?

SCULLY: He's my new partner. Now tell me about the UFO.

FARMER: I can't. The crow is putting me off, and... OW! He bit my neck!

SCULLY: He can't help it - he's evil. Besides, you probably goaded him into doing it by doing farmer stuff.

EXT. FARM

SCULLY: You know, I'm starting to like having you as my new partner, buddy.

CROW: You've changed your tune.

SCULLY: I know, but I've been reading a book about crows, and... well...

CROW: Well what?

SCULLY: I just think you're kinda neat.

CROW: I get it now. What's The X-Files without a bit of sexual tension, eh?

SCULLY: Hardly. You stink of cat musk.

EXT. FBI HQ

MR SKINNER: Scully - what's the meaning of this, bringing an evil talking crow into FBI headquarters?

SCULLY: Hey - he's not so bad.

CROW: Shut-up, you fat scab-bag.

SCULLY: Ha ha ha!

MR SKINNER: We can't have evil crows flapping around the place.

SCULLY: Why not?

MR SKINNER: Because it's stupid.

INT. FLYING SAUCER

SCULLY: I don't believe it, Mulder - we've both been abducted by aliens!

MULDER: Yes. Yes we have.

SCULLY: What's up? I'd have thought you'd find this really exciting.

MULDER: It's... it's the aliens.

SCULLY: They're hideous, multi-eyed monsters, with tentacles! So?

MULDER: I dunno. I just... I just wish they were funnier. You know: in the same way that monkeys are funny.

INT. MULDER'S OFFICE

SCULLY: It's a real big shame that you're leaving The X-files, Mulder.

MULDER: Yes, it's a shame, but my work here is done, Scully. It's time for me to move on.

SCULLY: Well, anyway, I bought you this present.

MULDER: Oh, Scully! You're too kind.

SCULLY: Nah. It's just a fountain pen.

MULDER: Er... this is my fountain pen. You got it out of my desk didn't you?

INT. SKINNER'S OFFICE

SKINNER: Ah, Scully. What's this I hear about Mulder leaving The X-Files?

SCULLY: Yes, it's true, sir.

SKINNER: That's a shame.

SCULLY: Yes it is.

SKINNER: Mmm.

SCULLY: Yeah.

SKINNER: Would you like a cigar?

SCULLY: Not really.

INT. SKINNER'S OFFICE

SKINNER: Now that Mulder's left The X-Files, Scully, I'm pleased to introduce you to your new partner: Davey Scoff.

SCULLY: Where is he, sir?

SKINNER: Well... he's right here. Right here by my chair.

SCULLY: I... I... there's no one there. You're... ow! You hit me!

SKINNER: Not me. Davey Scoff. Davey doesn't like being ignored, Scully.

SCULLY: I... I understand.

INT. SKINNER'S OFFICE

SCULLY: Sir, I'd like to complain about the new partner you teamed me with.

SKINNER: Stu Garvey? What's wrong with him, Scully?

SCULLY: Well, he's not a real person. He's a packet of digestive biscuits, which you Sellotaped the head from a Playmobil man to.

SKINNER: And?

SCULLY: And yesterday we got involved in a drugs bust, and I accidentally flushed him down a toilet.

Do you have any Man stuf? Do you know any of the much-sought-after Man's Daddy Jokes? If you do mail me with it right now, man.

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