Man-erisms

Long-chinned Gubbins

If ever you needed proof of the rule that in general, sequels are never as good as the originals; then surely the Jaws franchise is the proud termite atop the Mound Of The Cuss. Maybe it's something to do with those that followed the original not having a literary foundation on which to base their demented-idiot of a plot device that families of sharks carry grudges. And are willing to swim hundreds of miles to the Caribbean in order to wreak their creosote-reaking revenge on the kin of the "leggers" that did their cousins in. Plus the original had the attractive draw for filmgoers of the twin-headed freak of Steven Spielberg's direction and the "naughty bits" which were in the book, but not the film; the teasing pigs.

Still, not even the "let's kill the stupid fish with our excellent brain-frying radio" travesty of a fourth film was as unwelcome as recent "smart sharks" flick, Deep Blue Sea. I bet that won't get an excellent "3-D" sequel, which, with the advent of this latest Jaws sequel, will probably be revisited for the next sharkuss special...

EXT. BEACH. NIGHT

A BOY and a GIRL frolick on the sand.

BOY: Ha ha! This is real good fun!

GIRL: Wait. Do you hear something? It sounded like a shark.

BOY: It's just your imagination.

A huge shark slithers onto the beach.

GIRL: Aieee! A shark! It's slithering towards us on it's stomach!

BOY: That isn't a stomach - it's a million tiny legs, like a millipede!

INT. SHARK LAB

A shark EXPERT studies photographs.

EXPERT: This photo is of a shark. I just know it is.

ASSISTANT: Where did you get that? Those are my holiday photos. And that's a photo of Warwick Castle.

EXPERT: Look here - this is the eye of a shark, the teeth...

ASSISTANT: That's a portcullis.

EXPERT: We must alert the authorities. Jaws has returned to our shores!

INT. SHARK LAB

A shark EXPERT studies photographs.

EXPERT: We must alert the authorities. Judging from these photographs, our shores are plagued by a giant shark.

ASSISTANT: How can you tell that from a passport photo of your mother?

EXPERT: You see the lines here - the unmistakable lines of a shark's gill.

ASSISTANT: That's your mother's hat.

EXPERT: Mock if you will, fool, but I've seen these creatures up close...

EXT. PARK

EXPERT: Row fast, dolt! The shark is closing on us!

ASSISTANT: It isn't a shark. It's a duck, or something?

EXPERT: You won't be so smug when it bites off your leg.

ASSISTANT: It's bill wouldn't even fit around my ankle.

EXPERT: Sigh... They have detachable lower jaws, you know. That's why they're called "sharks".

INT. BEDROOM

ASSISTANT(sleepily): Wha? What's all that noise? Who dares wake me?

EXPERT: It's me, your employer the shark expert.

ASSISTANT: What do you want? It's 4am.

EXPERT: Look at this cool thing! It's Frankenstein's head. It was in a bin.

ASSISTANT: Urgh! That's disgusting. But what has that got to do with sharks?

EXPERT: Nothing really. I just thought it was cool.

Do you have any Man stuf? Do you know any of the much-sought-after Man's Daddy Jokes? If you do mail me with it right now, man.

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