Man-erisms

Long-chinned Gubbins

You have to wonder about the state of mind of the fans of the first Superman comics. In any other case the burly, gravy-stained hands of 1920's American youth would've burnt any literature wherein the principle character strode around town wearing a pair of tights with his underpants on the outside. One can only assume that the Wall Street Crash had a profound affect on the logic centres of said coal-smeared ruffians. How else could they have allowed such a deviant practice to represent the concept of freedom and justice in their financially knee-capped society? Whatever the case, no one bothered to question why such an All-American Hero as Superman was so keen on promoting such a decadent lifestyle. There weren't even any cries of: "Rrrrggg! Back to Russia!" aimed at the Commie Scum. Which is why we can now look foward to a fifth instalment in the adventures of the Marxism-spouting crossdresser...

INT. DAILY PLANET

LOIS LANE: Oh no! Lex Luthor has gone crazy and is smashing computer screens with the palm of his hand!

LEX LUTHOR: Hahaha! Watch me go! Hahah!

CLARK KENT: Hold on, Lois. I'll just see if Superman is in the broom closet.

(He enters the closet, and emerges instantly as Superman.)

LOIS LANE: What were you doing in the broom closet, Superman?

SUPERMAN: Er... I was doing a blow off.

INT. DAILY PLANET

LOIS LANE: Supermaaaan! Hellllp!!!!

SUPERMAN: What's wrong, Lois?

LOIS LANE: I was writing an article on "womens' problems", and my PC froze up.

SUPERMAN: Have you tried pressing control-alt-delete?

LOIS LANE: But if I do that I'll lose my article.

SUPERMAN: Always keep a back-up, Lois.

LOIS LANE: Oh, you're so spunky, Superman.

INT. DAILY PLANET

SUPERMAN: I heard your screams across the city, Lois. What's wrong?

LOIS LANE: Screams? But I was laughing.

SUPERMAN: Laughing? What about?

LOIS LANE: Look - Jimmy Olsen has drawn a funny picture of you wearing big underpants outside your tights.

SUPERMAN: These aren't underpants. They're my... space... shorts. And these are... super, uh, supertights.

LOIS: OK. Now justify the cape.

INT. DAILY PLANET

LOIS LANE: Superman - come quick!

SUPERMAN: I got here as soon as I could, Lois. What on Krypton is wrong?

LOIS LANE: I'm writing an article on an old lady who is refusing to let her diseased pony be put down by the council, but I've used "diseased" twice, and now I need a new word.

SUPERMAN: Have you tried "happy"?

LOIS LANE: Thank you, Superman! Now I can finish my piece and invoice the Daily Planet. You're my hero!

INT. DAILY PLANET

LOIS LANE: Superman - help me!

SUPERMAN: What's wrong, Lois? You look like you've seen a ghost.

LOIS LANE: Worse than that, Superman - my microwave oven is broken.

SUPERMAN: Is it still under warranty?

LOIS LANE: I have the receipt if that's what you mean. I only bought it a month or so ago.

SUPERMAN: You'll be pleased to hear that you're fully entitled to a refund.

INT. DAILY PLANET

LOIS LANE: Help me, Superman! I'm being chewed upon by this alligator.

CLARK KENT: Can I help, Lois?

LOIS LANE: No. I need Superman. He's the man for me.

CLARK KENT: Heh. Is he now? Well, we'll see about that, Lois. Observe.

LOIS LANE: Clark? Clark, why have you removed your shirt and trousers?

CLARK KENT: Oh. Oh, God - I forgot I sent my costume to the dry cleaners.

INT. DAILY PLANET

LOIS LANE: Clark, have you seen Superman anywhere? I need his help.

CLARK KENT: I may have done. What do you need him for?

LOIS LANE: I've just heard on the wire that Paris has been invaded by robots. Now do you know where he is?

CLARK KENT: Maybe. But if he saves Paris will you give him a kiss?

LOIS LANE: What?

CLARK KENT: It's a simple question!

INT. DAILY PLANET

SUPERMAN: Here I am, Lois! What did you want me for?

LOIS LANE: What? I needed your help three days ago. Since then my apartment has burnt down. Where have you been?

CLARK KENT: Well, y'know, Aquaman was getting married and I went on his stag weekend to Dublin.

LOIS LANE: And that's more important than saving my apartment is it?

CLARK KENT: Oh come on - that's not fair. They had a stripper!

INT. DAILY PLANET

SUPERMAN: What are you doing here, Lex Luthor, you fiend?

LEX LUTHOR: I've come to destroy you, Superman. I've come to destroy you using... this!

SUPERMAN: No! Kryptonite! Agh! Ack... I... wait a minute. That's not kryptonite. That's some sort of vegetable.

LEX LUTHOR: It's a cabbage. Take this!

SUPERMAN: Well, throwing it at me isn't going to do any good.

INT. DAILY PLANET

SUPERMAN: Lex Luthor? Here at the Daily Planet?

LEX LUTHOR: I'm here to reveal your greatest secret, Superman! I'm going to reveal your secret to the world! Ha ha!

SUPERMAN: What? No! I won't let you tell everyone that I'm really mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent!

LEX LUTHOR: You're Clark Kent?! Heck... I was just going to make up some lie about you wearing a bra.

INT. DAILY PLANET

SUPERMAN: What are you planning to do now that you know my secret identity, Lex Luthor?

LEX LUTHOR: I'm going to tell everyone! Haha! That'll learn you!

SUPERMAN: No, don't! Stop!

LEX LUTHOR: Hey, Lois - Superman is really Clark Kent.

LOIS LANE: Oh, and? What, I'm supposed to care am I?

LES LUTHOR: Hello, everyone!

INT. DAILY PLANET

SUPERMAN: Brrr. It's a bit chilly in here. Can you turn the heating up?

LOIS LANE: Why don't you put on some proper clothes, you big idiot?

SUPERMAN: Hey - don't cuss my costume. This is... Kryptonian heritage... things. Clothes.

LOIS LANE: You mean everyone on Krypton dressed like that?

SUPERMAN: Well, not everyone obviously. Just the real cool dudes.

INT. DAILY PLANET

SUPERMAN: Lois! Lois, help!

LOIS LANE: What's the matter now?

SUPERMAN: I got my cloak caught on this cactus - look. It's tearing the fabric.

LOIS LANE: Look, why are you always hanging around here anyway?

SUPERMAN: I'm not sure how to answer...

LOIS LANE: Just tell me straight.

SUPERMAN: No, I mean I wasn't sure which language to use.

INT. DAILY PLANET

SUPERMAN: I came as quickly as I could, Lois - what's the problem?

LOIS: I think there's a monster lurking under my desk.

SUPERMAN: A monster? Let's take a look... wait a minute - is this your monster, Lois?

LOIS: Yes.

SUPERMAN: You do realise that four atomic reactors melted down while I was here removing a dead squirrel from under your desk?

INT. DAILY PLANET

SUPERMAN: Hey, Lois - look. Look at me. I'm so buff.

LOIS: What are you doing, Superman?

SUPERMAN: Just watch. Look - I can flex my arms like so. And now I'm bending down so you can see the muscles in my thighs. Pretty sexy, huh?

LOIS: Look, I've got a lot of work to do, and anyway, shouldn't you be out saving the world?

SUPERMAN: That can wait. Look at how firm my buttocks are first.

INT. DAILY PLANET

LOIS: Hey, Superman - what are you doing hanging around outside the toilet?

SUPERMAN: Um, nothing...

LOIS: It didn't look like nothing. You were staring intently at that blank wall. Why were you doing that? And now why are you rubbing your eyes?

SUPERMAN: I just am, that's all.

LOIS: I know you've got X-ray vision, remember.

SUPERMAN: Um... gotta go!

INT. DAILY PLANET

SUPERMAN: Hello, Lois. You look busy.

LOIS: I'm writing an article on the discovery of penicillin. And I'm really busy, actually.

SUPERMAN: Right. So, you don't have time to go for a bagel?

LOIS: Not really.

SUPERMAN: Well, do you fancy, I dunno, going down the park later? I hear they've got some cool new swings.

LOIS: Please go away.

INT. DAILY PLANET

LOIS: Superman, come quick!

SUPERMAN: I came as quick as I could, Lois. Lucky for you I was already hiding behind the big potted plant near your desk.

LOIS: What were you doing there?

SUPERMAN: I was... saving... uh, fighting a... I was spying on you.

LOIS: Spying on me?

SUPERMAN: You won't tell anyone, will you? They'll throw me out of the club.

INT. DAILY PLANET

LOIS: Superman, help!

SUPERMAN: Here I am, Lois. What seems to be wrong?

LOIS: I've just been on the phone to our French correspondent. Apparently, a giant robot is terrorising Paris.

SUPERMAN: What awful news...

LOIS: Well, aren't you going to do anything?

SUPERMAN: What, you mean like start crying? Well, boo-hoo to them.

Do you have any Man stuf? Do you know any of the much-sought-after Man's Daddy Jokes? If you do mail me with it right now, man.

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