Man-erisms

Long-chinned Gubbins

Why do they still bother? That's right: the game-license movies. In the beginning the weasely, besuited money men with the burst nasal blood vessels were finding the newly-discovered resource of computer gaming to be chock full of potentially lucrative franchising opportunities. The very fact that Super Mario Brothers was the first of the Devil's sputum to reach us, can only strengthen this view. All they had to do was slap the Mario brand on the abomination and sprinkle in a number of semi-familiar elements, and they had what they saw as a surefire blockbuster. Except: it wasn't.

This turned out to be because the general public for once exercised a modecum of brainage. They realised how much of a pig's rump of a film it was, and stayed away in their droves, with the promised sequel yet to materialise. However, this in no way provided the tourniquet needed to stop the rushing flow of P.Stringfellow-ugly game/film hybrid freaks, with the likes of Double Dragon, Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat all being forced down our convulsing gullets. And still they come. The Holly-guys still seem keen on turning Doom into a film-me-do, despite it's aborted-feotus appearance, while the only ray of hope comes from the fact that George Romero is supposed to be "doing" the Resident Evil feature.

Meanwhile, the push for the Tomb Raider adaptation has been speeding ahead with "gusto" aplenty, and we now see the final draft of the screenplay for this block-shifting, puzzle-solving mammary-fest...

INT. CURIOUSLY ANGULAR UNDERGROUND CAVE

(A young woman with an overly-endowed chest, wearing absurdly tight hotpants, slides into view down a perfect 45-degree solid granite slope. At the bottom of the slope is a small medical kit. She shuffles astride it and bends down to pick it up.)

LARA CROFT: Hmm.

(A leopard bounds out of the darkness. Lara produces two pistols, and performs a backflip. Disastrously, she lands on the slope, and slides down into the path of the leopard.

(The leopard runs into Lara's legs, causing them to expel jets of crimson blood. Lara tries to back up, but gets confused, and is trapped in a corner. She performs a forward somersault, turns and shoots the leopard dead.)

LARA CROFT: Unh!

(She approaches a large gate in the wall of the cave. She stands before an oversized keyhole, momentarily unsure what to do.)

LARA CROFT: No.

(Lara runs towards a deep chasm. As she approaches the edge, she jumps and stretches her arms out in an effort to reach the opposite side. She misses, and falls.)

LARA CROFT: Eeeeeeeeeeeee!

(She lands in a crumpled heap among bleached skulls. Seconds later, she's back again at the top of the cliff. Her second attempt to cross the chasm succeeds. She steps through an arch, and the screen fades to black.)

INT. ANCIENT TEMPLE

(Fade in. Lara appears before an ancient underground temple. Suddenly, she is attacked by an eagle.)

LARA CROFT: Unh!

(She produces a shotgun and kills the bird. She runs behind a pillar and discovers several shotgun bullets on the ground. She retrieves them.)

LARA CROFT: Hmm.

(Lara enters the temple.

(The entrance to the temple is blocked by a huge concrete cube. Lara pushes it forward.)

LARA CROFT: Unh! Uh-unh!

(The shifted block reveals a previously hidden passageway, leading to a room containing curiously-marked floor panels. Lara steps on one, and it collapses, sending her plummeting into a set of underfloor spikes.)

LARA CROFT: Eeeeeeeeeeeee!

(Fade in. Lara reappears before the mysterious room. Having worked out the correct sequence in the room, she crosses stepping only on safe panels.

(As she reaches the other side, the exit slams shut, and a golden statue of some guy with a spear comes to life. Lara somersaults around the room, occasionally colliding with objects, and finding herself facing walls, while simultaneously trying to shoot the golden idol.)

LARA CROFT: Unh!

(After several futile attempts to kill the golden idol, Lara starts running around the room looking for some sort of switch, or something.

(Unable to do so, she freezes motionless, while the letters "Q.U.I.T" appear, and hang mysteriously in mid-air for several seconds before being replaced by a Windows 95 desktop.

(Cue end credits.)

Do you have any Man stuf? Do you know any of the much-sought-after Man's Daddy Jokes? If you do mail me with it right now, man.

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