Man-erisms

Long-chinned Gubbins

One of the proudest footnotes in Digi history is the traditional Christmas Pant-Oh. Every year since they went live, over the chrimbly-period Digi have run a pantomime which is usually a spin on your average well-known fairy tales. Except that they tend to star washed-up actors that were strangely popular in their day, oddly named secondary cast members, as well as the ubiqoutous characters out of EastEnders. It's always something to look forward to. In the proudest tradition of the likes of the classic "Honey, I Shrunk The Dwarves", Super Page 58 is delighted to bring you now... The Digitiser Pant-Oh...

SCENE 1: THE CASTLE

Yound Hansel and his sister Gretl are cooking a big pie with their mother.

HANSEL: Mother, we don't really want to cook this pie. We want to play.

MOTHER: There's no time for playing, children, I'm going to cook you in this pie. Cook you and then eat you.

GRETL: What did you say?

MOTHER: I said I love you.

HANSEL: Are you going to cook us and eat us mother? Is that what you said?

MOTHER: I did say that, yes, but I meant it metaphorically. When I say "cook" I mean "stifle" and when I say "eat" I mean "sell you to the butcher".

GRETL: Your words make little sense, mother. I thought you loved us.

MOTHER: I do, my dear. But I can't afford to keep you any longer. I'm going to swap you for a Tamagotchi. The butcher has a turtle one.

SCENE 2: THE WOODS

Young Hansel and his sister Gretl are running through the woods.

HANSEL: Phew! That was a close one, but we eventually escaped that crazy momma.

GRETL: I got very scared when momma began swinging her foot, and banging her fist on that tray. Hansel: I was more scared when she threw that bowl of spiders at us, and threatened to make us eat the tray.

Suddenly a Puffy Jacket erupts from behind a tree. It is drinking from a can of Strongbow, has a mobile phone in his pocket, and his college folder is under his arm.

PUFFY: Mind the sneaks, man.

HANSEL: Hello.

PUFFY: Whass happenin'?

HANSEL: We're lost in the woods, for we are The Babes In The Wood. Do you see?

GRETL: Can you help us?

HANSEL: We're lost.

PUFFY: What did you call me? Are you looking at my woman? I'm gonna smack you in if you look at my woman.

HANSEL: What's going on?

PUFFY: Just one call on this phone, man and you're gonna go down. I just gotta call my man Derek and he'll be down here and smack you up bad, man.

HANSEL: What have I done?

Suddenly, the Puffy Jacket goes away, because he's got a geography lecture to go to. Hansel and Gretl find themselves outside a little house.

HANSEL: Look at this house, Gretl. It looks like it's made of...clay!

GRETL: You're right. I'm so hungry, do you think it would be alright if I ate a bit?

HANSEL: I'm sure it'll be fine. Look, I'm eating a pipe, a roof tile and part of the front porch.

SCENE: INSIDE THE CLAY HOUSE

It's very warm and cosy. A Playstation is hooked up to the television, and an old woman snoozes in front of it.

HANSEL: Look - an old woman.

GRETL: Let's steal her money and use it to buy cigarettes and alcopops.

HANSEL: No, Gretl. Not only are we under age, but theft is technically illegal. Even theft from old people who will be dead soon anyway.

Suddenly, the old woman wakes up, and runs at Hansel and Gretl, screaming.

HANSEL: Look out!

They dive out of the way, and the old woman runs into the wall.

WOMAN: Ouch! I'm sorry, I thought you were a couple of social workers.

GRETL: Old woman, we're so cold and hungry, can we stay here with you for a while? We can entertain you by dancing like giraffes, if you'd like that.

WOMAN: Of course you crazy kids can stay here. I even have a bit of a treat in store for you.

HANSEL: Really? What is it?

GRETL: Tell us, old woman. Please tell us - we'll be ever so good.

WOMAN: Three words - Actua Golf 2.

GRETL: Sacre bleu!

HANSEL: Let's get outta here!

THE END

INT. THE HOME OF LARA CROFT

LARA CROFT'S BUTLER: Gor bloimee, it's Chrissy-mess Eventide, and Miss Lara Croft ain't bought no presents for her family, gor bloimee. Oi say, Miss Lara, what is you going to get your family for Chrissy-mess?

LARA CROFT: Hmmm.

LARA CROFT'S BUTLER: Does yooo want oi to get their prezzy-ents this year?

LARA CROFT: No.

EXT. SNOWY WASTELAND

SALESMAN: I am a sinister salesman looking to flog my wares to passers-by. Here comes a likely-looking "customer" now... hello, miss. Would you like to buy some sporks - they're a cheap plastic fork/spoon combination, often found in roadside cafes.

LARA CROFT: No.

SALESMAN: Oh go on - they're magic.

LARA CROFT: Hmm.

INT. THE HOME OF LARA CROFT'S NEPHEW

LARA CROFT'S NEPHEW: Hooray - it's Christmas morning and time to open my presents from my Aunt Lara. What have you got for me this year, Auntie?

LARA CROFT: Hmm.

LARA CROFT'S NEPHEW: I'm unwrapping the presents now... still unwrapping... just finishing the unwrapping, and... sporks? You bought me sporks?!?

LARA CROFT: Hmm.

EXT. SNOWY WASTELAND

LARA'S NEPHEW: Hurry up, Aunt Lara, or we'll never find me a decent Christmas present. Buying me seven sporks indeed... who do you think I am? Oh no - look out! A fox! Shoot it Auntie!

FOX: Aiee! I've been shot by Lara Croft, and now I've died.

LARA'S NEPHEW: Well done, Auntie. That fox won't trouble us again. Now shoot some more animals. Look - there's a deer - a doe, a female deer - with murder in it's eyes! Shoot it!

INT. THE HOME OF LARA CROFT'S NEPHEW

LARA'S NEPHEW: Phew! That was a lot of hard work watching you shoot all those animals with your twin pistols, Auntie Lara. Did you enjoy yourself?

LARA CROFT: No.

LARA'S NEPHEW: In all the excitement, we forgot to get me another Christmas present. All I'm left with are these stupid sporks... but wait - something's happening to the sporks. They're growing - growing into mug trees... oh, this is the best Christmas ever!

EXT. CHURCH HALL

LARA'S NEPHEW: Thanks for agreeing to come with me to this Christmas concert, Aunt Lara. Now I can show everyone my seven excellent mug trees!

LARA CROFT: No.

LARA CROFT'S NEPHEW: Look, everyone - look at my mug trees. They grew magically from seven enchanted sporks.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Keep it quiet, lad - some of us are trying to listen to Cliff Richard perform Wired For Sound.

EXT. SNOWY WASTELAND

LARA'S NEPHEW: I really enjoyed that Christmas concert, Aunt Lara, and everyone seemed impressed with my presents. Now we can go home and decorate my magic mug trees with mugs.

LARA CROFT: Hmm.

LARA'S NEPHEW: This has certainly been a most exciting Christmas. In fact, I can safely say it's been the best one ever! Merry Christmas, Auntie!

LARA CROFT: No.

INT. LARA CROFT'S NEPHEW'S HOUSE

LARA'S NEPHEW: Gosh - what rotten luck! It looks like we've had a burglary, and the burglar is still in the house. Look - there he is on the sofa.

BURGLAR: Grrr. I'm Snow Brown, and I'm looking for my magic sporks, which were stolen from me yesterday by a sinister salesman called Dave.

LARA'S NEPHEW: Snow Brown? Why are you called Snow Brown? Oh, wait - now I understand. Urrgh!

INT. LARA CROFT'S NEPHEW'S HOUSE

SNOW BROWN: If you've finished making fun of my name, I'd like my magic sporks back - I tracked them to this address using my mutant abilities.

LARA'S NEPHEW: We'd like to give them to you, Snow Brown, but unfortunately they evolved into mug trees.

SNOW BROWN: I'm not really too bothered about that.

LARA'S NEPHEW: Well, I suppose I ought to let you have them then.

INT. LARA CROFT'S NEPHEW'S HOUSE

LARA'S NEPHEW: Though I feel like I've done my civic duty by giving Snow Brown his sporks-cum-mug trees, I now have no Christmas presents to play with.

BURGLAR: I'm sorry I had to take them off you son, but they're very dangerous, and not for the likes of you. Today they may look like mug trees, but tomorrow they could turn into, I dunno, a squid, or something. Here: have this half-eaten pork pie.

LARA'S NEPHEW: Hooray for Snow Brown!

EXT. EMERALD CITY

DOROTHY: Oh, Toto, look what's happened to the Emerald City: it's been wrecked!

TINMAN: Hello, Dorothy.

DOROTHY: Tinman! What happened here?

TINMAN: After you left, we all decided that the Emerald City was rubbish, and so we got drunk and went on a rampage.

DOROTHY: I can't believe you'd do that.

TINMAN: Well, I was really drunk. Also, the Scarecrow dared me to write "Dorothy is a ponce" on that wall.

EXT. EMERALD CITY

DOROTHY: Oh, Toto, if only the Wizard Of Oz was here - he'd change everything back to normal, and get us home.

TINMAN: Actually, we have a new wizard now, Dorothy. Here he is!

DOROTY: But I don't understand... it's just a fluffy pencil case sellotaped to a barrel, with a couple of grapes nailed on for his eyes, and two lengths of hose for his arms.

TINMAN: Ssssh! He's not deaf, you know.

EXT. EMERALD CITY

DOROTHY: So, Cowardly Lion, what are you going to ask the Wizard for this time?

LION: Um... a light bulb.

DOROTHY: Is that it?

LION: Er... what do you think I should ask him for?

DOROTHY: What do you want the most?

LION: Well, I really do need a bulb. Only, I can't read my pamphlets in bed without one.

EXT. EMERALD CITY

DOROTHY: What are you going ask the Wizard for, Tinman?

TINMAN: A kiss!

DOROTHY: Er... I don't think he'll give you one of those.

TINMAN: Well he did the other night.

DOROTHY: Er...

TINMAN: Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not even real. C'mere, you!

DOROTHY: Don't touch me.

EXT. EMERALD CITY

DOROTHY: Well, anyway, I'm going to have to back to Kansas now.

TINMAN: Why?

DOROTHY: I just am.

TINMAN: But I haven't even shown you my Scalextric yet.

DOROTHY: Your Scalextric?

TINMAN: Well, alright. It's not a real Scalextric. It's a train set. But it's still pretty cool!

More Wizard Of Oz scripts...

Do you have any Man stuf? Do you know any of the much-sought-after Man's Daddy Jokes? If you do mail me with it right now, man.

Back