Man-erisms

Long-chinned Gubbins

What is it with those heavy-handed imperialistic idiots in Hollywood? They seem to relentlessly scour every conceivable media all over the world for decent ideas for films for them to plunder. It doesn't even seem to matter to these greasy, perpetually coked-up plagiarists, that what they're turning into their latest popcorn-spattered gorm-me-do is already a popular franchise in another territory. They assume that their punters are all stupid (which, to be fair, is probably true of most of the idiots that go to see these celluloid labotomies), and so pervert the original premise of the film and repackage it for maximum green back-stained effect. Such as is the case with Godzilla. Okay, so the original Japanese series wasn't exactly Citizen Kane (or even Citizen Smith, for that matter), but they still had to go and wipe their disgustingly unctious fingers over the licence, changing Godzilla from good-natured lizard-guy with headache, to malevolent, people-cussing sub-din' freak. The pigs. And now look what they've gone and done. They've gone and released a putrid, weeping sore of a sequel. Go on! LOOK!

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

SCIENTIST: It's finally safe to walk the streets of New York City now that the monster Godzilla is dead.

SOLDIER: It sure is... wait - what's that rumbling sound?

SCIENTIST: Gasp! It's Godzilla, and he's bigger than ever.

SOLDIER: Wait a minute. He's trying to tell us something by tapping his big feet on the ground... What's that you say, Godzilla? Old Man Parker has fallen down a well?

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

SCIENTIST: This is awful. Godzilla has gone on a rampage and destroyed half of downtown Manhatten.

SOLDIER: Maybe Godzilla is just misunderstood.

SCIENTIST: Hmmm... You could be right. I think I know just how to stop his rampage of destruction.

SOLDIER: How?

SCIENTIST: We destroy him with a massive pile of explosives!

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

SCIENTIST: I've been thinking, and it seems to me that Godzilla is just a little misunderstood.

SOLDIER: You're right. Perhaps what he needs is counselling.

SCIENTIST: I agree. I'm sure his antisocial problems stem from a lack of parents, what with him coming out of an egg and that. Why don't we build a big rubber mummy Godzilla to lure him out?

SOLDIER: Yes! And then we can blow them up!

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

SCIENTIST: I think we can stop Godzilla's rampage by distracting him with a pop concert.

SOLDIER: What do you mean?

SCIENTIST: Well, I've written a rap which might just be what Godzilla needs to hear. It goes a little like this:

My name is Goddy Z,

And I wanna be,

The biggest lizard mutha in NYC.

SOLDIER: Oh man... that's so cool.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

SCIENTIST: Oh, it's too bad that Godzilla had to die. He was such a nice giant monster.

SOLDIER: Yes. Apart from all the times he killed people, he was very kind.

SCIENTIST: He's so big, though; what are you going to do with his corpse?

SOLDIER: We'll probably blow it up like they do with whales.

SCIENTIST: Wales?

Do you have any Man stuf? Do you know any of the much-sought-after Man's Daddy Jokes? If you do mail me with it right now, man.

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