Man-erisms

Long-chinned Gubbins

How old is Andrew Lloyd-Webber exactly, and just why isn't he dead yet? He's been alive for far longer than Robert Maxwell got, and where's the fairness in that? It seems that the puffy-lipped old composer of those most irritating of stage shows, the musical, must share part of the same DNA sequence as Don King, who seemingly hasn't aged since J. Edgar Hoover choked on his new g-string panty set. Perhaps he's some kind of stupid-looking vampire dude, and feeds off of the boxers that he keeps in his commercial fist-guy dairy. That would certainly explain the hair, and that. Anyway, like some human cockroach thing, Andrew Lloyd-Webber lives on and continues to write his stupid, presumably acid-inspired stories, with the latest at least having the welcome plus point of featuring an excellent monkey. Robert Maxwell was funneee...

INT. COTTAGE

THOMAS: Oh, woe is me. I'm all alone in the big old world. If only I had someone - specifically a monkey - to keep me company. Wait! I hear the postman approaching!

POSTMAN: Special delivery for Thomas.

THOMAS: It's the monkey I dreamed of!

MONKEY STEVE (sings): I'm a monkey/Yes a monkey/I've hair on my face/That's my monkey boat-race/I've hair on my face/And I'm dressed in a lace/Shirt and pants that are simply ace.

INT. COTTAGE

THOMAS: I'm off to the big city, where me and my monkey buddy are going to make a fortune as movie stars!

PASSER-BY: What's that you say? Movie stars? It just so happens that I'm a wandering director, and you guys would be ideal for my next project!

THOMAS: It's finally gonna happen!

MONKEY STEVE (sings): Me and Thomas/Gonna make a movie/Gonna be stars/Me and Thomas/Gonna get some money/Gonna spend it on suspenders and bras.

EXT. BUSY ROAD

THOMAS: This is it, Monkey Steve - me and you are heading to the big city, where we're gonna be movie stars!

ROAD USER: Movie stars you say? Boy, can I have your autograph?

THOMAS: Sure thing! I think I'm gonna like being a movie star!

MONKEY STEVE (sings): Me and Thomas/Heading for the city/Signing our names for the people on the street/Me and Thomas/Heading for the studio/Which may or may not be somewhere in Crete.

EXT. MOVIE STUDIO

THOMAS: Well, here we are, Monkey Steve. We're at the movie studio which is gonna make us big stars.

WOMAN: Stars you say? Wow! Can I marry you, soon-to-be-famous guy?

THOMAS: Yes.

MONKEY STEVE: (sings): I loved Thomas/He used to be my chum/But now he's gonna get married/And put a baby in her tum/Me and Thomas/We used to be hot/But that double-crossing marry-boy gonna find himself shot.

EXT. MOVIE STUDIO

THOMAS: Hooray! I'm famous, I got money in my pocket, and I'm going to get married to a beautiful woman!

WOMAN: I do.

THOMAS: Now for the honeymoon!

MONKEY STEVE (sings): I'm gonna get that Thomas/For leaving me behind/He says he doesn't love me/But I think that he will find/A new respect for Monkey Steve/When I destroy him with my mind (I have psychic powers).

Do you have any Man stuf? Do you know any of the much-sought-after Man's Daddy Jokes? If you do mail me with it right now, man.

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