Man-erisms

Long-chinned Gubbins

It's no secret that monkeys are excellent. In fact, monkeys are so excellent that it's hardly surprising they're as popular as they are with us sniggering human types. As a by-product of this, it seems that if you want to be successful in this world, a monkey tie-in helps no end - just look at 60's proto-boy band, The Monkees. Would they have even been half as successful if they hadn't gatecrashed the simian party, riding the coattails of those most excellent primates? Sure, they may have been "cheeky", but they weren't really monkeys, and probably only adopted the name to get people to notice them. Would Vic Reeves have ever deemed them worthy of a cover version had they been called something else, like, say The Stoats, or Crumpet? It's questionable at best, and no way would he have got those kerayzee guys of EMF on board. But everyone loves monkeys, so they were sold - that's just the way of things. By the same token, Planet Of The Apes was a born winner from the moment that French dude thought up the title. Numerous sequels - and now even a jumped-up "re-imagining" from goth boy Tim Burton later - and it's clear that everyone loves monkeys - even when they're riding around on horses, tying us up and "beating us off", and stuff. It seems we can forgive them even the worst acts of oppression against us, because they're just so darned funnee when they do it. Why, even gun-toting NRA-hick Charlton Heston's a sucker for a bit of monkey tongue. A flick through the script extracts from the new film may give some clues as to why we're all such fawning fans of the little cheeky-faced hairy guys...

EXT. APE VILLAGE. DAY

HUMAN: Damn you dirty apes. You won't put me in a cage, like some... ape.

KING MONKEY: Hahaha! Humans are so funny! Look at him jump around!

HUMAN: Stop it! Stop pointing at me and stop that laughing!

MRS MONKEY: And you know what the funniest thing on TV ever was? That teabag advert, where all those humans sat around drinking tea!

KING MONKEY: Hahah! It's the taste! Hahahaha! Brilliant!

EXT. APE VILLAGE. DAY

HUMAN: Would you apes let me out of this cage, please?

KING MONKEY: What for?

HUMAN: So I can run around doing hilarious human stuff.

KING MONKEY: Well, OK. But you have to promise not to attack us or run away.

HUMAN: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

KING MONKEY: OK. There you... OW! Hey - you punched me in the mouth, and have now run away!

EXT. APE VILLAGE. DAY

HUMAN: Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape!

KING MONKEY: But I never touched you!

HUMAN: No, but that's what I would say if you ever touched me.

KING MONKEY: WellI'll just have to make sure I never do that, then.

HUMAN: Yeah, you do that.

KING MONKEY: Good. I will.

HUMAN: Good.

EXT. APE VILLAGE. DAY

HUMAN: So, how come you monkeys managed to take over the world?

KING MONKEY: We just entertained the human leaders, by larking around, and then sort of took control while they were too busy laughing.

HUMAN: That's real ingenious.

KING MONKEY: Yes, and it was my idea.

HUMAN: Was this your idea too?

KING MONKEY: You put that banana-skin toilet paper down, you animal!

EXT. APE VILLAGE. DAY

HUMAN: Oh, I really wish I could escape from The Planet Of The Apes.

KING MONKEY: I'm afraid that won't be possible today - or any day! You see, this planet - The Planet Of The Apes - is actually Earth, in the far future!

HUMAN: Pff. Yeah, right.

KING MONKEY: Behold the truth!

HUMAN: What the...? What are you doing? What's setting fire to my spare pair of trousers got to do with it?

EXT. APE VILLAGE. DAY

KING GORILLA: Graagh! All humans must be killed. Beginning... with YOU!

HUMAN: But you can't kill me just for being a human. I evolved from you!

KING GORILLA: I can do what I like. Prepare to die!

HUMAN: Don't you mean prepare to DANCE?

KING GORILLA: Cue the music! A-Oo-be-do! I want to be like you-be-do! I want to walk like you! Talk like you!

HUMAN: Ha ha! Monkeys are funny!

EXT. APE VILLAGE. DAY

KING GORILLA: So you're saying that you travelled here from the past, and that humans evolved from apes?

HUMAN: Yes, that's right.

KING GORILLA: But if this is your future, and humans supposedly evolved from apes, how come apes are now the dominant species on the planet? Bah! I've had enough of your stupid theory. Guards - tear his einsteins out!

HUMAN: Don't you mean "intestines"?

KING GORILLA: That's what I said. God!

EXT. APE VILLAGE. DAY

KING GORILLA: As you can see, human, we apes aren't so primitive. Observe my "futuristic" throne.

HUMAN: What, that rubber tyre hanging from a rope?

KING GORILLA: Yes. Look at this: whee! Haha! Wheee! I'm spinning around and around on my throne! Hahaha! This is brilliant fun.

HUMAN: Can I go now?

KING GORILLA: No. You must stay and watch me frolic some more.

EXT. APE CHURCH. DAY

KING GORILLA: Come, human, into the sanctuary of our most holy place. As you can see, we have placed statues of our greatest gods around the church.

HUMAN: Your gods? But isn't that...

KING GORILLA: Dunston, out of Dunston Checks In? Yes.

HUMAN: Pff. Next thing you're going to tell me that you also worship those stupid PG Tips chimps.

KING GORILLA: Blasphemy! How dare you mock our most revered icons?!

EXT. APE CHURCH. DAY

HUMAN: Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave The Planet Of The Apes now. It's been a lot of fun. Thanks for everything.

KING GORILLA: Remember, just click your heels together and say: "There's no place like home".

HUMAN: I'm afraid that won't be posible.

KING GORILLA: Why not?

HUMAN: My arthritis is playing up.

EXT. APE VILLAGE. DAY

HUMAN: You know, I'd been expecting the Planet Of The Apes to be a really scary place, but as it happens you apes are a lot of fun.

KING GORILLA: More biscuits?

HUMAN: No thanks - I'm stuffed.

KING GORILLA: Go on. Have a biscuit.

HUMAN: No, really. I couldn't.

KING GORILLA: EAT MY BISCUIT, SNIVELLING HUMAN, OR I'LL TEAR OUT YOUR... heh. Ahem, I mean... fine!

EXT. APE VILLAGE. DAY

HUMAN: So, what do you apes do for fun?

KING GORILLA: We go... disco!

HUMAN: You go to a disco? And where is this disco?

KING GORILLA: No go disco. We do disco where are now good.

HUMAN: Why are you talking like a monosyllabic idiot? Five minutes ago, you were conversing normally.

KING GORILLA: Don't tell me how to talk, you repellent baldie.

EXT. APE PRISON. DAY

HUMAN: How long are you going to keep me in here?

GORILLA: Until we decide what we're going to do with you.

HUMAN: And how long is that likely to take?

GORILLA: Eight minutes. We need to receive guidance from our god, Dunston out of Dunston Checks In. He will decide if you are to be executed.

HUMAN: Dunston?! Oh wow! Is he here? Please - can you get me his autograph?!

Do you have any Man stuf? Do you know any of the much-sought-after Man's Daddy Jokes? If you do mail me with it right now, man.

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