Man-erisms

Long-chinned Gubbins

When you think about it for any real length of time, what do the merits of Arnold Schwarzenegger's much-vaunted professional muscley guy career come down to? The two Terminator films - and that's it. You could also argue the worth of Predator, but that would ruin my argument, so we won't do that. So, is it any real surprise that these were his two best films - films which revolved around the central premise of him being a cold, emotionless machine of few words? If ever there had been an example of playing to an actor's strengths, then surely they are the stupid great comedy arrow suspended from the sky, that's pointed down and flashing at the sign that says "Boogaloo". Probably. But aside from that, it seems that previous writers of science fiction ordained 1984 to be a year of some cosmically cataclysmic importance, envisioning it as either a bleak totalitarian police state, or a critical point influencing the future of the human race. But hey, it wasn't so bad really, was it? Okay, so the world was cursed with bumbling cowboy idiot actor/President Ronald Reagan, the poisonous Margaret Thatcher and the height of the New Romantic movement - but nothing as bad as all those guys said would happen. If they were all so clever, why didn't they write a book predicting a future where The Human League get to number one and Boy George is considered to be the epitome of fashion? No, wait, that's just too scary...

INT. OIL REFINERY

JOHN CONNOR: Quick, Good Terminator! We have to hide - the bad Terminator is coming to get us!

GOOD TERMINATOR: Pasta la vespa, baby.

JOHN CONNOR: What? What are you talking about? Come on!

GOOD TERMINATOR: I'll be back.

JOHN CONNOR: Enough with the catchphrases - we have to go!

GOOD TERMINATOR: N-n-n-niiiice to see you, to s-s-see you nice! Good game!

INT. OIL REFINERY

JOHN CONNOR: I'm really glad you were able to be re-programmed, Good Terminator. Now, stand on one leg.

GOOD TERMINATOR: Please, no.

JOHN CONNOR: Do it!

GOOD TERMINATOR: Ohhh...

JOHN CONNOR: Now act like a monkey, and run around scratching yourself.

BAD TERMINATOR: Hahaha! Look!

GOOD TERMINATOR: Shut up. Ooh! Ooh!

INT. SKYNET BASE

JOHN CONNOR: Come, Terminator - we have to save the world from nuclear war! Plug yourself into the Skynet mainframe!

GOOD TERMINATOR: Oh, wait... I can't do that yet. I can't. I need to download a patch off the Internet first.

JOHN CONNOR: What?

GOOD TERMINATOR: My soundcard isn't compatible with Skynet's mouse driver software.

BILL GATES: Hahahahahah!

INT. SKYNET BASE

JOHN CONNOR: I've been thinking, Terminator. You're basically a robot covered with living flesh, giving you permanently tensed muscles, right?

GOOD TERMINATOR: Correct.

JOHN CONNOR: So... how does that work exactly?

GOOD TERMINATOR: What do you mean?

JOHN CONNOR: You know what I mean.

GOOD TERMINATOR: No, I don't. I... oh. Oh, I think I understand now.

INT. OIL REFINERY

SARAH CONNOR: That silly robot is never going to find me in here. It's the best place ever to hide!

TERMINATOR: Exterminate!

SARAH CONNOR: Gosh! What a suprise! The Terminator had disguised itself as a baby fox. Are you a good Terminator or a bad Terminator?

TERMINATOR: I'm the good one.

SARAH CONNOR: How can I be sure?

TERMINATOR: I'm wearing clown shoes.

INT. OIL REFINERY

SARAH CONNOR: Gosh! It's just as well I've got a good Terminator to protect me from the bad Terminator.

GOOD TERMINATOR: I'll be back.

SARAH CONNOR: Where are you going?

GOOD TERMINATOR: Just over here for a bit. Is that all right?

SARAH CONNOR: I suppose so. But why are you going over there?

GOOD TERMINATOR: Because... you see... it's... I'LL BE BACK.

Do you have any Man stuf? Do you know any of the much-sought-after Man's Daddy Jokes? If you do mail me with it right now, man.

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