Man-erisms

Long-chinned Gubbins

What's the problem with film makers these days? There's that stupid bunch of Norewgian dog idiots running around everwhere, self-righteously prattling away about how their films are so much better than anyone elses ever. They base that assertion on the fact they were filmed using an old Cinecamera with gravy smeared over the lense, and a Spider-Man tape recorder they got for Christmas when they were seven, instead of selling-out and actually making a good film. Then you have "grounbreaking", "visionary" and other over-inflated adjectives used to describe those such as the two guys who "directed" (in the loosest possible sense) The Blair Witch Project. Surely it's a bit much to laud them as bright new talents, when almost anyone with a passing interst in films - or scaring their little brother at night with ghost stories and a big stick with a bogey on the end - could've made that film. There was no script. There was no characterisation. And there was no plot beyond "they get lost in the woods and scared shitless by crying children". Normally a film of such 6th form drama student leanings would never have caused as much of an ejaculation of critical jism (hype) as Blair Witch did, and it would be eternally consigned to the arthouse cinemas of the world, only to be watched by people like Tom Paulin and that fat bloke off of Late Review. So why was it such a phenomenon? Some people say the inventive way it was promoted on the Internet. But it was probably just because everyone thought that close-up shot of the girl's face with that snotty nose was real funny...

EXT. THE WOODS

FRANK: These are really scary woods.

SHEILA: They certainly are. Just look at this here - a scary pile of stones!

FRANK: Stones? Noo! Nooooo!

SHEILA: We're all going to die, I tells you - die!

FRANK: Arrrgh! Stones!

SHEILA: Somebody help us, please! There are stones in this wood! Aaaaah (etc.).

EXT. THE WOODS

DAVE: Oh no! We've somehow become lost in the woods!

SHARON: Yes, and to make matters worse there are strange noises all around us... strange scary noises, as if somehow the wind was blowing the branches of the trees!

DAVE: Trees? Branches? Wind? Nooo! We're all going to die, I tells you!

SHARON: Yes! Help us!

DAVE: Somebody please help us! There are scary tree noises all around us!

EXT. THE WOODS

DAVE: (EXPLETIVE DELETED) witches!

SHARON: I've never (EXPLETIVE DELETED) so many (EXPLETIVE DELETED) horrible (EXPLETIVE DELETED) thing!

DAVE: I (EXPLETIVE DELETED) know what you (EXPLETIVE DELETED) mean!

SHARON: (EXPLETIVE DELETED)!

DAVE: Yes - (EXPLETIVE DELETED)!

SHARON: I'm going to (EXPLETIVE DELETED) the (EXPLETIVE DELETED) at the (EXPLETIVE DELETED) restaurant!

EXT. THE WOODS

DAVE: (EXPLETIVE DELETED) these woods!

SHARON: I (EXPLETIVE DELETED) have never liked (EXPLETIVE DELETED) seeing witches (EXPLETIVE DELETED) the woods!

DAVE: I and my tent are (EXPLETIVE DELETED) on fire again!

SHARON: (EXPLETIVE DELETED)!

DAVE: I (EXPLETIVE DELETED) agree!

SHARON: Look at the (EXPLETIVE DELETED) state of this (EXPLETIVE DELETED) carpet I bought!

Do you have any Man stuf? Do you know any of the much-sought-after Man's Daddy Jokes? If you do mail me with it right now, man.

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