Man-erisms

Long-chinned Gubbins

Hollywood has always been sequel-mad. Right from the earliest days of the many "Bela Lugosi's dead" Dracula and Mummy films, the quest for an easy profit has driven many directors and studios. Jan "Speed 2 was a legitimate project" de Bont springs to mind. But hold - surely they should've called them The Mommy? I mean, how can "they" realistically justify applying the mutation to one word and not the other?

The answer is that in general, Americans are self-important, pretentious, culturally imperialistic gun-happy idiots who resent both "us", and that we created "their" language, and want to change it beyond their perception of it's "Hello, I'm English, and as such am both extremely posh/an 18th Century aristocrat, and regard Americans with contempt and derision due to the fact that they put some of my tea in the water once. Plus, we didn't have democracy until after you decided to, even though there's been a parliament in Britain since the mid 17th Century. Also, being English, I am really evil, and as such must play the part of the bad guy in all American-made films ever" origins. The stupid Pilgrim-idiots. Or at least that's the impression that they give. And they have no sense of irony. Oh, and they probably smell real bad, too. Ahem.

Of course, not all Americans are rubbish - George Lucas, Michael Stipe and Charles Manson for example, are all most excellent. Steven Spielberg's pretty good, too, but even he has succumbed to sequelitis, as The Man has shown by revealing that the Bearded One is working on a sequel to his 1982 BT-advertising, small brown alien film, E.T. :

INT. ELLIOT'S HOUSE. DAY

ELLIOT'S MOM: Why the long face, honey?

ELLIOT: I wish ET were still here.

ELLIOT'S MOM: Here - have this.

ELLIOT: A present? Oh wow! Let me take a look inside! What the...? It's ET, but... he's dead, mom.

ELLIOT'S MOM: I'm sorry, honey. I forgot to put airholes in the box.

ELLIOT: It's okay. We can still have fun. Wheee! Ha ha! ET go high! Ha ha!

INT. ELLIOT'S HOUSE. DAY

ELLIOT'S MOM: Honey, I wish you wouldn't drag that dead alien around with you.

ELLIOT: But, mom - this is ET!

ELLIOT'S MOM: I know who it is, but he's starting to smell.

ELLIOT: It's okay, mom. Any day now he's going to come back to life!

ELLIOT'S MOM: I don't think so, honey. For a start, his head has fallen off...

INT. ELLIOT'S HOUSE. DAY

ELLIOT'S MOM: Honey, the man from the FBI is here to see you.

AGENT SPROUT: Hello, Elliot. I hear on the grapevine that you're looking after a dead alien.

ELLIOT: It isn't true! I'm not!

AGENT SPROUT: No? Then what's that rotting, ET-shaped carcass draped across your shoulders?

ELLIOT: That's... my... hat?

INT. HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM. DAY

TEACHER: Elliot! Haven't I told you about bringing that thing in here?

ELLIOT: But Mr Brown - this is ET!

TEACHER: ET went back to space, Elliot. That's a dead cat.

ELLIOT: No it isn't. It's ET. Look - he's talking... "ET phooone hooome".

TEACHER: That's you moving it's mouth with your hands and putting on a stupid croaky voice.

Do you have any Man stuf? Do you know any of the much-sought-after Man's Daddy Jokes? If you do mail me with it right now, man.

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