Puffy Spotting

Puffy Jackets congregate in large groups of at least four primarily in and around video arcades. They hang around outside and attempt to play the games within - always driving games and beat 'em up's - nothing else. They can also be found sculking outside any branch of McDonalds during college lunch hours.

The primary piece of clothing of any Puffy Jacket is, of course, the puffy jacket. There are two and only two types: ski jackets and "puffa" jackets. Be wary of each, for if they also display the following features they ARE puff-jak's.

Puffy Jackets are known to wear jeans or combat trousers at least two sizes too large, which they wear slung around their hips and highly baggy. This is coupled with brand training shoes (predominantly Nike), usually white, which they wear extrememly open with the laces untied and dragging about on the floor. This look is enhanced by an optional choice of headgear - either a baseball cap or one of those stupid "gangsta" rap tea cosy/balaclava-type affairs.

Their physical appearance is very similar. They range from the age of 16 to 25 (presumably after which they die) and no matter how old they are they ALL sport a bum-fluff moustache, which is of course because puberty cuts out at the age of 14 in puffy jacket development. Of course they think that this is really "cool, guy!" and so some attempt to grow goatee beards. All are unsuccessful and end up looking even more disturbing.

Occasionally puff-jaks can be seen carrying ruck sacks if they are of college age, but all carry around a mobile phone. It is always turned off because they cannot afford the bills, still living with their parents, but they pretend to speak into it nonetheless. These devices are constantly glued to their ears.

Puffy Jackets have a complete psuedo language, this is a guide to the known phrases. Approach with caution....

TRANSLATION:

TRANSLATION:

TRANSLATION:

TRANSLATION:

TRANSLATION:

TRANSLATION:

TRANSLATION:

TRANSLATION:

TRANSLATION:

TRANSLATION:

These are the only phrases which the puffys use that resemble English. They say many other things but at this stage they remain indecipherable.

The Puffy Hotline

This is the place where all known puffy sightings will hence forth be archived, in a sort of Doomsday Book of puffiness, in an attempt at defending innocent citizens from their scourge. If you've had a run in with a puffy jacket, if you've seen one and no one else can help - then maybe you should ring: The Puffy Hotline. Knowledge is power, but the puff-jak fools are particularly belligerent and aggressive - watch your back, Arthur...

Area of Puffy-Fallout: Donaghadee, N. Ireland

'I was once confronted by a group of 4 puffies, in a car. My good friend and myself were leaving a late night garage, at about 10:00 pm, when they drove by us. It was our home town, so we looked into the car, in case it was anyone we knew. The car skidded to a stop abruptly, and two people leapt from the car, sporting the afore mentioned puffy style jackets. The driver, obviously the more intelligent of the two, having mastered basic driving skills, (perhaps through a pellet release experiment?) asked "Do you wanna get in, and look out?" My friend, not having heard the 'puffy' properly, approached him, and asked "What?" (By this, meaning, of course, 'excuse me', and not 'do you want a fight?') The puffy repeated the question, and my friend replied "no, no thank you". They then left without a word. It was most confusing.'

- Ian Smith, aka Mung-o

Thus concludes this vital guide to puffy identification. Maybe now armed with this knowledge you will be able to stay out of their way. If you spot a large concentration of puff-jaks in your area then contact either Digi or myself under the Puffy Hotline, do not approach them unless you first use your liver to soak up the Digi strategies: here. That is all. Goodbye.

Back