Digi-U-Like

"You may think that's a glib statement to make, but then you're not pilled-up Jacobites, like what we are."

"Eat THAT, so-called Planet of the Apes."

"Like Nintendo's Game and Watch anthology Game Boy Gallery, the immediate effect of this Activision anthology is to remind you how poo games used to be."

"Every so often she says stuff like 'You'll ruin your eyes' and 'Dad is drunk'."

"See now how we raise our arms in despair, dear."

"Do you remember Kickstart with Peter Purves? It was a TV show which showcased the dirt bike antics of filthy young men."

"The bane of Mr Cheese's social life before he discovered the common, Championship Manager is the undisputed football lover's wolf."

"It's just stats, transfers and tactics from here until Noah stops. And now, he won't ever stop!"

"Mr Biffo was tantalised to note that the homage even stretches to your heavy breathing after 10 blokes shoot at you."

"It wouldn't be fair, though, to pretend that these are more than asthmatic popcorn vendors at the main event: the destruction of men's lives."

"We can understand how upsetting it is for the Americans not to have any history of their own before about 1976, but we wish they would stop wiping their pallid, streaky jowls over ours."

"It's as simple as a really stupid man."

"Ancient Rome is a perfect scenario for a good sim: pan-continental empire, big fights, authoritarianism and people making themselves sick."

"As you progress, aircraft and boats become available, adding yet more layers to this multi-textured jeremy."

"Whereas janitors may enjoy wandering along corridors you probably won't"

"Doom, Doom, Doom. Sigh. Doomy, Doomy, Doom-Doom-Doomy-Doom. No, we're not singing a new 'ragga' song."

"It's just that some kids are older than others and don't get offended by swear words or scenes of extreme violence."

"Command & Conquer united young and dead alike in passion for its blend of cunning combat strategy and running churchgoers down with big tanks."

"Ah yes - the American Civil War. The Southern states fighting for the right to eat fried chicken without the fear of persecution by liberals."

"You can still only face in one direction, your rider is still afflicted with arthritis..."

"Some 18 years ago, when we first cast our fiery beads over Marubeni's Bugs Bunny licence, we nearly pulled our hoods over our heads."

"Time Gate will, like a gathering of naughty bears, arouse love and punching in equal numbers."

"'Look, dad - it's the PlayStation doing an impression of a Konami platformer on the SNES. Do you love me, daddy?'"

"Buy some vodka instead."

"Not appropriate for anyone over the age of 10 - but then neither is burglary!"

"And you can kick urinals off the wall!"

"Power cuts? That'll teach you for living in the late seventies to early eighties."

"We feel slightly better, and often manage to get drunk."

"Which only goes to prove the old saying: 'Pompt de div nation'."

"'Oh oui, du grand foot'!"

"And - ha-ha - the levels are themed around popular movie genres (no, not that sort, Mr Hairs)."

"Pop goes the weasle."

"It really made us laugh - especially Mr Hairs. Knocking young lads off always makes him 'crack up'!"

"Egg-stream spurts"

"You know the Bomberman story by now. If not, well, you're a buzzed-up bundle of K-links. That's a real big insult."

"Suits her bum, oh man!"

"But then again, no one listens to the opinions of drunks anyway."

"Fee Fi Fo '96"

"It's not often a PVC quoit scrapes over an abscess"

"Mandrake Kangaroo"

"When Virgin took us on holiday to LA in 1994, one of the sights to catch our eye was the huge dent we made on the roof of our rental car by driving into a barrier in the Disneyland car park."

"Biffo prefers shooting Craps"

"It's almost illegal! But not in the same way as arson. Or 'clipping'."

"North Atlantic, Far East, Gulf - these are just some of the places we don't want you to visit."

"USS Smoke-on-the-water"

"We are on pills."

"But that cannot be allowed to be true!"

"Das Boot boys"

"Not unless you are a) Pistol Pete b) an Amiga or c) the Marquis de Sade."

"We were humbled to the state of breakdown. Just like in Hawaii 5-0!"

"Every back-handed lob dips in behind you... steady on, Mr Biffo, we're only talking about tennis!"

"Hmm.. an Amiga game relying on social interaction. And before you ask, your life-sized cut-out of Cat from Red Dwarf doesn't count. Joke!"

"'Super Tennis Champs isn't so bad, if you've got two joysticks and a mate to play with', says Mr Hairs, though he may be a little confused."

"Any game with players named Kras, Buzz and Synex must be congratulated on something."

"'It's also easier with a two button stick', Mr Hairs adds, and you know what? He's right again."

"Soup or ten years?"

"HIgh egg stain"

"Blistered kettle"

"We expect many of you to be young and therefore stupid"

"Joan Solwell"

"Pinball '95 might seem worthy, but when its charms are held up to its buttocks, a hooter goes off."

"And what in Peter York's name is 'Fast Mode/Safe Mode' supposed to mean? Perhaps we should have asked Mr Biffo."

"Lssssth."

"Not smooth enough, Raymond"

"Shark-shaver's fault"

"Shove your Autoplay, Lech."

"These are the size of bus windows, and traverse the screen with all the suave nonchalance of a palsied blackbird on ether."

"Come on, son. Take off that cyberpunk adventure tabard and let's see you for what you really are: a welcoming hot-roy (a Doom clone)."

"Cybermen: you know, Dr Who."

"An amusing image fills the cover of this game: that of a leering Alan Sugar reflected in the back of a giant spoon. "

"Have you ever been in a lift when hallucinogenic gas is pumped in and the doors open and all these people get in but they look like grey monsters and you're screaming and, and... ?"

"Cohesive narrative? Adhesive narrow-pigs, more like."

"Side-kick defective."

"Question: Who says 'Tie my kangaroo down sport - the sport golf'? Answer: Golf Harris."

"Question: What game do bits of bread play? Answer: Loaf (golf)."

"P.G. Wodehouse."

"Firelighter collector"

"No. You've murdered your parents, forged the Luncheon Vouchers, joined the Moonies: now play the media's favourite subliminal message-doused kid-rotting PC experience."

"Endorfun/End of fun"

"Fade To Black picks up the story of Colin Stagg (Conrad Hart), who is once again required to make everything get better by disciplining aliens."

"Why? Simply put, we're drunk."

"Yes: down the pub"

"We don't know why this is only being released here now - maybe the boat with all the games on it got boarded by pirates, and then the pirates got lost."

"Intimate Cornball."

"Badgame AD1996."

"But that doesn't mean anything!"

"Although we like to pretend the funny world of sitting around rolling 900-sided dice and decorating daft little lead orcs is a closed book to us, Mr Biffo's shamed past just won't shut up."

"But that needn't matter - not today! Today, we embrace a game that manages the impossible: it makes an engine out of rubber"

"The half-pixel option for 486 owners is like having to bathe a tramp."

"Pomp de la pomp de pomp pomp"

"You just can't cope, son"

"Stupid prix"

"Cheryl Baker? No: h-a-r-e. Ha ha ha."

"Hasn't he got a funny name, everyone? It's because he's Polish, of course!"

"Johnny Bazookatone doesn't really want to kiss all those new wave, new generation, 32-bit gentlemen. Which is a bit stupid, really."

"As soon as a new one falls into our basket, we whip it out and smash it straight into an easel."

"Soleil-a St Claire"

"Hair-breaky harpoon"

"Johnny Slayer's not special"

"Yes! Or you could listen to Johnny Hates Jazz!"

"Yes. But that's like putting some lipstick on a dead tramp and calling him a supermodel."

"Go away"

"We really hate you, man"

"You've got a great name, man. It's just a shame you're from somewhere called 'Bognor'."

"We wish everything to do with American Football could be stuffed into a picnic egg and be eaten up, but that probably isn't going to happen."

"Miss American Pie (Football)"

"Question: What's the best joke ever? Answer: Gand-eaters!"

"Anne of Great Navals"

"Phone neighbours"

"This isn't Sesame Street, you know."

"Like in that Steve Martin film, 'Faster, Pussycat, Kill! Kill!'."

"Beowulf the book joke"

"Kra-zy horses: wargh, wargh"

"Wife of weed?"

"Damn you alcohol! Damn you and your intoxicating properties!"

"Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies? Sturat N Hardy - he ate all the pies"

"Hockey, hockey, hockey - oui, oui, oui!"

"It's so lovely that we actually cried krill!"

"But that's no crime as evil as, say, using a 'scarface' mask to frighten a hermit - in fact it's probably a good thing. Like giving cash to the hermit!"

"Chop chop - tree now drop!"

"Shinobi X-cellent joke"

"Maybe it's because of the cat called Spazz."

"Every time we receive a new RPG we're sure it'll be the giant strawb that snaps the monkey's back."

"Rain man joke"

"Hoffman/Cruise joke"

"Some wearily 'zany' cartoon Professor Giggle-Maths teaching kids division by parping a horn whilst the Grammar Cat scratches verb endings on its stomach."

"And if your children's brains are hot and powerful, you can upset them by switching between Mr Kingsley and a strident Bavarian."

"Kokama: by the Beach Boys!"

"But please - please don't upset world opinion or island happiness by making too much of a mess. Or pretending to be the grandson of the bloke who punched Houdini in the stomach."

"One might be good at negotiating with the locals, another at making them worship a plastic model of a skier."

"Mr Cheese is on holiday today, leaving us free to denounce him for the filthy and stupid pig he is."

"The Game at Poo Corner"

"Here is our latest joke: 'Here comes old Wing Arms, again!'. It isn't a joke with a punchline, it is a new sort of joke: the kind of joke that is a pithy comment. In this case it refers to the title of the game Wing Arms, and the humorous possibility that someone with the nickname 'Wing Arms' is approaching."

"Hello, Wing Arms!"

"Regal (Chivas Regal) (whisky)"

"Remember when CD-ROMs first came out? We don't - we were in a Bangkok jail."

"Mr Biffo's Incredible Machines has been delayed pending a court ruling."

"Sim Za-la Bim!"

"And you can play a gorilla if you have the proper code, Mr Simons."

"Chicken in a basket joke "

"Dirthgerm Fin"

"If only Mr Biffo could have confined his activities to a Widget Workshop, he might be a free man today."

"Science is like a lewd furnace: proud."

"If you like dub and are kept awake at night by the thought of Big Brother tying your dog's string to his fascist-mobile's bumper, you might buy this."

"The film licence is a curious thing - it makes one man weep; makes another man sing! Do you see?"

"Not now, Mr Biffo."

"Months on, we still get the odd mealy-faced lament from 3DO owners affronted by a shocking review which damned Need For Speed to death with the fearsome oath 'You just drive about, man'."

"Well, no wonder Mr Biffo stopped seeing him!"

"It's like a dream Mr Hairs once had."

"Nero the Wide."

"Secret of Barrymore."

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Copyright © Chris Bell 1997-2007. All Rights Lovingly Fondled.