The quotes continue, man...
"Do the locomotion."
"Not Incredible Space Hulk."
"If M C Escher had been a game designer and not a fart, this is the game he would have designed."
"We remember the game being demonstrated to us a while back., by a little guy who clearly had as little idea as us as to what he was supposed to be doing."
"Not since the Yosser demo on the old BBC has a game been based around headbutting."
"Don't get us wrong - it's a fun game. But so is throwing batteries into a fire. But don't you do that, now."
"We're about as criminal as they come, what with our network of illegal gin houses and knocking shops."
"It would be great if the Devil wasn't the incarnation of ultimate evil and was just some dead goat in a field, because then there wouldn't be any evil in the world anymore. Alas, the Devil exists, and he really is a git."
"Activision is fast becoming the most versatile and prolific Jeremy in the games industry. Following auspicious beginnings as a close friend of the Atari VCS, and then a quiet decade spent barking at pigeons and being drunk on Strongbow in parks, the firm's kicked the booze, washed it's gob and put on a decent pair of pants."
"You are a fat idiot, aren't you, son?"
"You'll be laughing on the other side of your gob when someone strangles a tramp with a Nintendo 64 joypad lead."
"We read your letter twice, and both times our brains couldn't be bothered to make sense of it."
"The Brazilian machine was shaped lile a potato and was called Space Device 47."
"But that's like saying that DNA tests have proven Mr. Tickle to be Elvis Presley's son."
"Yes, and you could call them 'The Super Squads'!"
"Well done, best yet!"
"You'll never get in, love. Our bunker is stuffed to the guts with bisto and orange fruitangs."
"OK, man! If 'Crump' is really your surname, it is possibly the best surname of all time."
"But that's like saying James Cameron will be arrested if new evidence was suddenly discovered to the effect that the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg and sink, and in fact made it to New York as planned with everyone onboard alive."
"Perhaps you could develop a game wherein a couple of naked dead guys drive a car."
"M1 Tank Platoon isn't particularly pretty, but neither are tramps, and you can have all sorts of fun with those guys!"
"Same as God has no control over illegal cock fighting arenas."
"Yes! The Man's Daddy is a funny guy!"
"We do this because we hate you."
"Man's Daddy has to go away now, and he's never coming back."
"Incredibly, not a single one of them is an onion salesman. 'Les pompt de onion le sales de non! Pompt de free!' they kindly told us."
"Together the pair take on the red menace of a cybernetically-resurrected Chairman Mao, who plans to spread his evil Communist doctrine throughout the free world by infecting us all with a Communist Nano Virus."
"Hardy, we're amazed that you seem to have an opinion on everything; even things that you don't understand."
"Nintendo just rang to tell us it is going to kill you for saying that."
"How do you manage to make such astonishingly wrong-headed comments every single week, Hardy?"
"The only reason we publish your letter here is that we initially thought you'd written 'Stereotypical Salamanders'."
"One time we drew a rude picture in a notebook on the Sega PR man's desk when he wasn't looking."
"That's fine talk coming from Satan."
"Don't be stupid, man - we're the most important thing on television."
"But it sounds like rubbish."
"We all bow down to the twin gods of Chris Morris and Victor Lewis-Smith, man."
"Don't be coming round here with your dull-speak, man."
"...curiously, the hand held web browser only comes with a grainy monochrome screen. That's no good is it, lads? Eh, lads? Eh, eh? Lads?"
"Merci le zuttie pompt-froong!"
"Where Nintendo and Sega fought a clean fight, Atari's sly attempts to knock them out with a dead ram backfired, and the firm ended up eating the ram."
"You're the biggest monkey in town, Morris - you're Morris The Monkey."
"Because they hate you."
"Yes. We're just like Star Trek. May The Force be with you!"
"That's like telling David Beckham to French kiss a monk."
"You're probably better off with the devil you know. Unless that devil really is The Devil, and he wants to marry you; that would be an awful thing to happen to you, or anyone else."
"Unlike our own dear Mr. Udders, who has many friends he has to 'blow up'."
"But we still think Sega should have called it Super Toy 47."
"No: spend your money on gin. Enjoy..."
"Don't call us puerile, man. Sophistication is in the eye of the beholder. Poo poo, wee wee, etc."
"Not nude pictures, if that's what you're getting at."
"Unfortunately the reports of hardcore nudity are unconfirmed."
"No. We came straight to Digitiser from the drying-out clinic."
"Oooh, a female that's slightly off-centre and obsessed with snakes. Would you like to have dinner with us?"
"You don't know how lucky you are, you pigs."
"We think all the 'chicks' you mention should feature in the film. And in one scene - an action scene - they should meet and throw water and feathers at one another. While running. To music."
"But we only get letters from morons."
"If 'Fluid' was a person, his name would be 'Valentine du Pont', and he would drive around in a car shaped like an amethyst, and eat quail's eggs and peacock feathers for breakfast."
"We haven't seen the ads, since we had TV priveleges removed following an ill-placed chant about Marxism."
"Alas, as happens all too often with experiments, the monkey dies and the laboratory walls get covered in slime."
"We once knew a woman with Wild Arms - 'Old Wild Arms' we called her, though 'Old Stink-breath With An Ugly Face And Thick Copious Body Hair And A Big Fat Backside' would've suited her just as well. We would watch for hours as this peculiar creature stood in the middle of the estate, flailing her arms around her head like some sub-human dynamo."
"First-person and third-person combat with trolls and demons nestles comfortably beside the usual adventure nonsense like a hedghog in bed with a peach."
"Says you, Poland-boy."
"We enjoyed it. But then we enjoy smashing plant pots with sticks."
"We wouldn't call £30 extortionate. But think of the amount of gin you could buy with that."
"The racing genre is like a freak show: you're always promised new and wonderful experiences, but when you pull back the tent flap all that's in there are a couple of hens up a pipe."
"Rollcage is no hen-pipe: it's a genuine freak. A 'monkey-hen', if you will."
"Zmbr Drrvv srrzzz shrtt thrrr frrgg rrrpp."
Zombie Dave: "Hrrr shrrrd drrrctt prrrnrr mrrrvrrz."
"You know you want it, you filthy boy."
"We're so excellent!"
"Or if your family are all drunk, you could log on to the Net and play with a family of real Nicaraguans."
"Knocking a board over is a lot more satisfying than hitting your PC with a shoe."
"Even so... pigs are good. Correction: pigs are excellent."
"Batman rocks!"
"Hello, I'm Stevie Wonder. I just called to say I love YOU!"
"It's a fairly safe bet that you don't play games because a Mafia hitman has threatened to assasinate your family if you ever stop."
Snake1: "Umm-baba. Umm baba is nada goodie"
Snake 2: "Hello, dad!"
"ET gets naked!"
"Bang! Wheeeee! Click-click... click."
"From a distance, monkeys are excellent: they look like little humans, going about their business doing funny stuff. But when you get up close to the monkeys, they're even more excellent!"
"Perhaps they're all out looking at those porn files. To see if... any of them... have used their... things. Etc."
"...Nnng... nnng... poo... poohead."
"What are you talking about?"
Grant Mitchell: "I, Mitchell Of Pub, declare my intentions of hate towards thee."
Mark Fowler: "I, Fowler Of Market, deny thy wrath, rascal."
"QUESTION: Do you want a new coat for Christmas, love? YES: 241 NO: 77"
"Apparently the next Indiana Jones film is going to be called 'Excellent Jones'."
"We're out of things to say now. We'll fill the remaining line or so with this suggested marketing slogan for grape salesmen: 'They're Grrrape (great)!' "
"And the language teaching facility allows plenty of scope for abuse: 'Tree', 'Ball', 'Git'!"
"Naturally, the battle to grab the publishing rights to the first games based upon rubbishy-named The Phantom Menace has been as visceral and bloodthirsty as a fight between D. Vader and a man with a sackful of bricks."
"You can smoke fags while playing games at home."
Zombie Dave: "Rrrr drrrnnlrrdd rrrdd prrrcttrzzz"
"It's 'Bully's Special Prize'!"
"We like 'PlayStation: ORBISON'."
"If the firm chooses not to go down this path, then it truly is 'insane in the membrane'."
"But then, we once bet £5 that Elvis was hiding in a bush, and it turned out to be a dead tramp."
"At least it didn't make us 'rally cross' (really cross)."
Zombie Dave on alt.digitiser: "Rrrzz fffrrl rrrff ffrrggrzz."
"So many racing games crawl, spider-like, across our bulging brains, that they tend to blur into one gelatinous mass which vaguely resembles a big, grey pudding."
The Digi subs strike again! This is how the above quote was originally intended to be viewed (thanks to Mr Biffo for pointing it out)...
"So many racing games crawl, spider-like, across our quivering lips, that they tend to blur into one gelatinous mass which vaguely resembles a big, grey pudding."
"Can you imagine how absurd it'd be if footballers invented their own slang?
Q: 'How did you play today, Alan?'
A: 'The conditions were totally minky, Brian, but we did real clarky.'"
"Don't knock the Soviet Union: if Alexy Pajitnov hadn't been a starving, vodka-soaked beetroot farmer he'd have never had the incentive to program Tetris. PLEASE NOTE: It is unknown whether Alexy Pajitnov was a starving, vodka-soaked beetroot farmer."
"Go and get your hair done - you'll feel much better about the world if you have a perm."
"If Superbike were a person, he'd be a 60-year-old charmer sipping on a glass of champers, twirling his 'tache and purring at the 'luvvly laydeez'."
"It's a nice enough game, and that, but it's time that the charmer died."
"Did you know we'd say that?"
"It truly is a most excellent game."
"In an interesting coda to this story, Mr Biffo subsequently beat the sales assistant to death with his shoe for his ill-mannered pre-emptive insolence."
"But don't you hit people with your shoe."
"You're definitely getting better, Hardy. In fact: 'Kiss me (us), Hardy!'"
"We should get our own back by sending them some fox hunting games."
"Sadly, the game is about as fast as a choking duck."
"Rather like a deranged combat veteran with a bullet lodged in his brain causing him to imagine spectral cockroaches crawling across his skin, wherever we turn these days we seem haunted by snowboarding games."
"...this is a game that will appeal to only the most patient player. Or those with reactions dulled by way of a bullet lodged in their brain."
"We stopped buying games mags when it got to a stage where we felt it neccessary to buy nudey magazines to hide them behind."
"Yes. Country House was a really excellent song."
"Yes, you're all right: it would be sad. But it was also sad when Atlantis sunk, and who misses that now?"
"Sweeping generalisations are great!"
"We're too ill-informed to make any sort of rational judgement either way."
"Except they were easier to break."
"We sort of know what you're saying. It's something about stuff, right?"
"Don't ask us: we're full of gin."
"Oh, man - that sounds like a job for Knight Rider!"
"If George Lucas were a lolly, he'd be the best lolly of all time. We'd want to keep him in the fridge and never eat him - not ever. Not even if we were really thirsty and there was a drought and a cat burglar had stolen all our drinks and the lolly was the only thing in the house. No way."
"You see, George Lucas is a 'King Cone'."
"Running Wild is a racing game, but it's a racing game with a difference - somewhat akin to sucking water through a pair of ladies' tights."
"It's an unoriginal game masquerading as something original and new. Like a brown sauce bottle full of Evian."
"Apologies: we're rambling on account of being poisoned. That's the last time we give a tramp love bites."
"You know: like the man who thought it'd be a good idea to hollow out oven chips and fill them with peas. Him so funnee!"
"It sounds rubbish, but it isn't. In fact it's as mad and as great as going to a disco dressed as a brigand."
"Stupid-name, you have messed-up."
"And for your information we're not Communists: we're Cybermen."
Extract from Ring-Sir!, 3/4/99: "US: ...your TV show, Are You Being Served? is very popular in my country. John Inman is a big star. 'I'm freeee, Mrs Pussy!' Ha ha ha!"
"It needn't be said non-fans will enjoy it about as much as they'd enjoy drinking a glass of damp sand."
"...we live in a nation of football obsessives, who'd buy freeze-dried horse retinas if there was a picture of Terry Venables on the box."
"It was about as appropraite as calling The X-Files 'Nude Mountaineering Hour'."
"Truth be told, the setting of Fallout is about as original as a new baked flour-based snack called 'Yread'."
"The more you think about it, the more stupid it becomes. It's like when you start to think about noses. Once you look at your nose in a mirror, it suddenly looks ridiculous and out of place on your face. Then start looking at other people. The more you look, the more their noses become absurd. It works for eyebrows as well."
"Save your money for something more worthwhile - gin!"
"Give us gritty contemporary stories about a man called Dave, any day. Dave lives in a council flat with a dog called Gripper, and likes nothing better than a pint down the Nag's Head and a flutter on the donkeys."
"Oh no! Your wife has been kidnapped by the evil Lord Silver, who wants to 'marry' all the non-males in the land."
"If you want to get back at them you should just go and throw red paint at their offices, man. Except: don't."
"The Emperor's new clothes? The Emperor's matching peep-hole bra and panty set, more like!"
"That's nothing, man: we once saw a ghost. No wait - it was a donkey."
The Hulk Vs Superman: "If they were to have a fight, it'd probably be more likely that Superman had laughed at the Hulk's haircut."
The French Beatles: "Ahh, bonjour! Jai Paul de pomp-de-pomp, c'est Ringo pomp-de-pomp-pomp avec magic sack. Hahahah!"
"Non, non, c'est Paul de pomp-pomp-de-pomp avec magic sack. Mon dieu!"
"Right now the last thing Sega needs is having to replace several thousand games, while simultaneously rubbing 'skank custard' into the face of it's dwindling customer base."
"We don't know what's more frightening: that you're paraphrasing Star Trek lines at us, or that we recognise them."
"We really hope that Nostradamus is right and that the Apocalypse is due to occur in July. If so, we'd rather not live through it if it's all the same. By all accounts the future is going to be a load of rubbish."
"Know you this: we're too stupid/drunk to answer such a big question."