"We're not saying Sega is stupid (except: we are)."

"It attempts to combine the charms of Mario Kart with Ridge Racer - funnee combined with seriousee."

"Konami's Metal Gear Solid is the best selling game to date, with 220,000 copies falling into the trembling, chocolate-stained hands of UK PlayStation owners."

"Listen up: we have run out of patience with games that stink out our kitchen."

"Perhaps they'll 'hoe' us down. Oh-ho!"

"And anyway, those farm robots didn't scare us, man."

"If KKND Krossfire were a horse, it would've been smeared across the backs of envelopes long before now."

On the naming of games chain Game: "It must've taken weeks of careful deliberation and market research to devise a brand name which so accurately informs the consumer of the store's stock. Alternatives, discarded by Game at the 11th hour, included: Games; Shop; Computer Games; Computer Game; Computer And Video Game; Computer And Video Games Shop; Computer And Video Game Shop; Thornton's; Senor Lopez's History Of Erotica Wax Museum; Billy's Shop."

Future sport: "Uh... what about some sort of game where players have to kick hard boiled eggs at a target? Yes that would be most excellent!"

"...but we think we'll stick with our eggs/target game: Super-do 47."

"For anyone below the age of 25, Daley Thompson was at one time the greatest living athelete in the world, able to leap small buildings in a single bound, and probably smash brick walls down with his bare fists. Mr Biffo thinks he once saw him in a park. But it might've been John Conteh."

"Waiter, my flies are undone!"

"Is that French or something - you know, like FIFA stands for 'Le Frenchie Ist Frenchie Ar-ee Ar-ee-Orr', or something?"

"...but who wants to control a snowboarder which resembles the deranged etchings of a cabin-fevered cartographer?"

"Also: what is Big Air? Is it some sort of reference to flatulence, or trapped wind? Or is it just some meaningless phrase dreamed up by the spin-doctors of youth in a half-cocked attempt at grasping the zeitgeist? Yes."

"Don't worry: like Carmageddon before it, you'll be able to download a 'gore and swears' patch from the Internet, thus making a mockery of our inconsistent censorship laws. Yesss!"

"Facial hair is great."

Sega's DC launch bungling: "Picture a newly-crowned king greeting people, and saying 'Hello. I am the best king ever' - as his trousers and pants keep falling down."

"Especially when you realise that the geography bears about as much resemblance to the real London as it does to a couple of nests up a flue."

"But you've got to wonder if there's something wrong with us (that's 'us' collectively as a society, not 'us' singularly as gin-soaked, stretch-marked hacks)."

"What are you talking about?"

Geri Halliwell still in game: "But gamers were indeed treated to the final, posthumous performance by the hoarse, clod-hopping, chicken-in-a-basket council estate mother-style pop star."

"Actua Ice 2's gameplay straddles the 'simulation' and 'arcade' donkeys with effortless grace, like a wayward ballerina let loose in a knackers yard with a bottle of hallucinogens."

"Like some aged lounge lizard, puffing away on an expensive cigarillo, Actua Ice Hockey 2 is polished, witty and charming, but you wouldn't necessarily want to kiss it on the mouth."

Zombie Dave on Lara Croft: "Thrrdz thrr brrrd wrrz thrr tttrrrdz."

"He's a sort of Tony The Tiger on steroids. Where Tony would say: 'Hello, son, would you like to taste my delicious breakfast cereal', T'Ai says: 'Hello, skank, I'm going to hit you really hard and break your face.'"

"So, the scrolling beat 'em up. Isn't that something of a dead genre? You know, like the 'honkey tonk mother strut 'em down' genre."

Zombie Dave: "Lrrrg rrrr grrrrv rrr shrrrrrrd."

"It sort of looks quite nice, with some bold visuals, but to the untrained eye so do bonfires, and you don't want to go putting your hair in there now."

"We're too full of cakes to make any sort of qualified statement today. We really like cakes."

Zombie Dave: "Wrrrrd rrr lrrrd rrrf frrrgn crrrr."

Zombie Dave: "Thrrrd grrrvz mrr rrrn rrrrrrrkshn."

"Agreed: Star Wars Lego is possibly the best thing ever."

"You know you're getting old when you start to question why Spider-Man doesn't just shut up and get on with apprehending the Green Goblin, instead of jumping around and cracking jokes. And why doesn't he ever call the police? Spider-Man is an idiot."

"MvSF features a different roster of combatants, which includes the likes of Spider-Man, Captain America, Captain Orange County, The Hulk, Captain Tri-State Area, The X-Men's Wolverine, Cyclops and Doctor Froth, and Captain Carnaby Street."

"Like our own evolution, which saw man split into two distinct lines - the excellent homo sapiens and the rubbish homo erectus (Ha ha! What's the matter, tree-man? Too stupid and ugly to get your opposable thumb to work?) - the FPS genre has been cleft in twain."

"It is unknown whether the monkeys are 'cheeky'."

"Old people are funny."

"The Hulk in a cape is an excellent thought. We'd also like to see Superman in nothing but torn purple underpants."

On Sony's dominance and complacency: "It's a bit of a tortoise and hare situation, except in this instance the hare is so busy turning around to swear and laugh at the tortoise, that it runs the risk of getting run over by a big lorryload of drunk, joy-riding geese."

"We really wish animals could drive cars. There's probably nothing funnier than watching a monkey or a dachsund reversing into a parking space. We don't know why this would be funny, but it is: there's something inside all of us that finds anthropomorphism excellent. Who hasn't watched the PG Tips adverts and laughed until they bruised their throats?"

"Hooray for capitalism!"

"Are you, in fact, a 'crazy damn person' if you think that way?"

Zombie Dave on Star Wars: "Drrrd Vrrrgrrrr rrrz rrrr wurrngrrr."

"Jiminey Cricket is an idiot."

"Our inability to understand sport has been well documented in the past, but confronted with cricket, our brains shut down completely. Perhaps this is because our brains comprehend cricket as a stupid, pointless thing."

"And once this trend really picks up steam, it will be like trying to stop the moon with a pair of ladies' tights."

"A Dreamcast Seaman bundle is on the way, which comes with the game, a microphone headset, and a limited edition see-through console, which Sega describes as 'jewellery white'."

"Barring the name, and a title page image, this has about as much to do with Miss Kournikova as it does with Taggart."

"She probably feels bad that we won World War II and the 1966 World Cup."

On the Episode 1 game's release before the film: "It has no doubt tainted our eventual viewing with the stench of pickled eggs and dog mess."

"Ninjas are idiots."

"Chewbacca? He's basically Lassie with a gun. And he's an idiot."

"Also, the trash compactor sequence in Star Wars was stolen from that bit in Trainspotting where Ben Kenobi falls down a toilet."

"It showed how scared Nintendo was of it's rivals. The firm came across like some schoolyard youth insisting to a gang of Nike-wearing toughs that he had a pair of really expensive trainers at home, when in reality all he owned was a pair of soft-boys' sandals."

"That's what they said about the Six Million Dollar Man, and where the hell is he now?"

On Sony's robot dog: "It shouldn't have been a robot anything. It should've been a monkey - a real monkey - in a box."

"This is because rich people deserve to be humiliated."

"We're really glad we're not pirates. With all the scurvy and rats and stuff, we bet going to sea in those big boats was about as rubbish as it gets."

"Hopefully, the PlayStation 2 will provide the catalyst for developers to stop acting like stupid lazy idiots."

"Descent 3, as with it's predecessors, is the most tunnel-y of all games. It truly is a 'tunnel fun-all'!"

"Everything has a future, man - even dead guys get to rot in Hell."

"Zombies are rubbish, really. As scary as it is that they're reanimated, these flesh-eating corpses mostly stumble about like aimless drunks at closing time."

"We've always had our doubts about board games getting made into computer games. It seems to us a wholly wrong thing to do, like taking a gazelle out of the wilderness and forcing it to live in a pond in someone's back garden."

"The gazelle wouldn't enjoy it much, and you'd probably feel a gnawing sense of guilt as you watched the gazelle making a futile attempt at settling in."

"Hasbro's Upwords is the worst sort of gazelle (board game conversion): the sort that isn't even aware it's living in a pond (computer)."

"For instance; if he has spelt out 'dog', you might put a 'c' over his 'd' to make 'cog'. If he has made 'hiss' you could add your 'p' to make 'hisp'."

"No, really: it's a lot more exciting than it sounds. Except, of course, that it isn't. Hisp."

On N64 Quake 2: "The gameplay lacks any sort of subtlety, coming across as the digital equivalent of an anachronistic heavy metal band, who release a single called 'It's Cool To Defy Your Parents'."

"...it's unlikely Nintendo will drop it now. But then, that's what they said about Airwolf."

Zombie Dave: "Srrrrd yrrrrrr hrrrrd rrrd, twrrrdz."

"What can we mean by all this seemingly pointless rambling? Like the day we told a policeman that 'Brown sky equals doc' trip' - we just don't know."

"Yes: we're so rubbish."

"Monkeys are funny!"

"Planet Of The Apes? There were no laughs in that. Want to know why? Because THEY WEREN'T REAL APES, damn them. DAMN THEM ALL TO HELL!"

"SHUT UP! All of you. Now!"

"Why are you so insecure? Anyone would think we'd dissed your girlfriend... Oh, now we understand!"

"Did you wet the bed?"

"Rubbish. The sweary, violent Kingpin is about as mature as your average swearing baby."

"What's approximately five inches long, light brown, and has a slot in the top? A shrew, of course (the slot is the shrew's mouth)!"

"Japanese punters will buy any old rubbish."

On the announcement that the makers of hoover-bag contents snack, Pot Noodle, are to release a "spider glove" cover for computer mice: "We've not made any of this up."

"The Mac is lovely, admittedly, but it isn't worth our while reviewing games for it, man. We'd rather spend those extra hours swigging gin in the park."

In reply to Scott Ross' rant about Fat Sow, referring to "her" as "The Stupid Idiot": "Fat Sow... is... dead."

"Evil is cool: why else would Darth Maul feature on so much Star Wars Episode One merchandising? Unfortunately, evil is also bad, which is why most of us wouldn't slap a nun, no matter how much we may want to."

"No one knows what Q*Bert was supposed to be - not even his creators. But we think he was probably just a little orange guy."

"Now here comes the 'but', as the streaker said to the policeman."

"Shut up, fascist."

"Other games magazines may pretend to be hip, but we don't mind admitting that our own Mr Biffo is now so old and out of touch that he wears an Elizabethan ruff when he goes to the pub, in an attempt to woo ladies."

"Growing up is awful, kids."

Secret Lemonade Drinker: "Moc-moc-a-moc! Ich liebe dich, lemonaden."

"IT'S ABRAHAM LINCOLN!: 'Shalom.'"

"Mind you, we can't get into our local Electronics Boutique because we've been barred for lowering the tone."

Original, unedited version of the above: "Mind you, we can't get into our local Electronics Boutique because we've been barred for waving a broken bottle at the manager's wife."

"...for all it's component parts, the finished product fails to gel. You know: a bit like if Frankenstein made his monster out of sausage meat, chewing gum and pork ribs."

"The sooner people get over the fact that there's nothing wrong with earning money, the sooner we'll all become fat capitalist pigs."

"...but heck, piracy is great. No wait - not that sort of piracy, man. Oh no!"

"It's difficult to believe, but once upon a time Sega was the biggest fish in the pond, able to draw the likes of Right Said Fred and Tucker Jenkins to it's game launches."

"But who buys a game for the three-minute intro sequence? Big idiots with ugly faces, that's who."

"Unfortunately, where GoldenEye was all loveliness and excellence, Mission: Impossible was dog sick and pig phlegm."

"Our own Mr Biffo has felt the bitter sting of being picked last for games at school, and then being laughed at by the PE teacher because he fell over a bin. But he got his revenge, oh yes. He revenged that ginger pig up good..."

"The public are all idiots. They'll happily swallow whatever filth is spoon-fed into their mouths."

Zombie Dave on Sega: "Srrrgrrr rrrz prrblrrr brrrrgrrrrrrd."

Zombie Dave on Namco's games for the DC: "Lrrrg thrrrrdrrl frrrrgn hrrrlp."

"At least with the old table-top RPGs you could throw Wotsits at the other players if things got bad."

Zombie Dave on games corportations: "Crrrprrtrrrrlrrrrsd frrrrgwrdz."

Zombie Dave on their plans: "Mrrrr frrrrrrgn mrrrnrrr frrr thrrrm."

"Don't you ever make us do that again."

"And on a few occasions we were impressed enough to gurgle like a stupid baby."

"No we don't. We give love a bad name, which is why we've been banned from the local singles club."

"It's potentially more fun than body-popping."

"A shambolic embarrasment that would've been outshone by the frantic scrawlings of a hepped-up five-year old."

Zombie Dave: "Drrrnt frrrgrrd thrr rrdrrrlt chrrnlz."

"Once, right, we saw this dog walk backwards into a tree. Ha ha! The end."

Zombie Dave: "Yrrr. Vvrrrrr frrrgn rrrndrrrssstrng."

Poirot: "Hello. I am Poirot. Le pompt de pompt le solve de crime!"

"We approached Premier League Stars like weary warriors returning from the crusades having slaughtered one too many heathen."

"Rumour has it that Electronic Arts had to build a new annexe on it's house just to store the profits from it's FIFA Soccer franchise. Also, the money is said to be guarded by a mutated albino narwhale called 'KRON-877'."

Zombie Dave on Seaman: "Mrr mrrrthr rrrz frrl rrrf thrrt."

"Or maybe that's just a load of stupid lies dreamed up by drunkards."

"But you can't drive your PC to the pub or off-licence, man."

"Alternatively, they could just get a load of Dreamcast balloons and let them 'razz off' in Bill Clinton's face on live TV."

"It's a bit like a Three Stooges movie. But with four stooges."

Zombie Dave on the 'Net: "Rrr rrntrnrt rrz rnlrr grrd frr prrn."

On the problems of the European DC network: "Ich liebe dich! Zut alors! Le pompt-de-pompt!"

"For instance, would digestive biscuits sell better if they were known as 'DY-G3Z-TV BZ-KITS'? Probably only to robots."

"Also, 'Wip3out' roughly reads as 'whip three out.' We think we understand..."

"You know: it's all puffy jacket and no pants."

"While it's not as exciting as, say, a big buzzer and some flashing lights, Sony is certain that this feature will revolutionise the games industry."

"It boasts analogue buttons, meaning that the harder you press the faster you will go. Oh man!"

On EX3: The Street Fighter: "...all mainstays of the Street Fighter series, including Ryu, Chun-Li, Blanka, Johnny Whistles, Cockle and Awsome 47."

"The publication rated 2,151 firms on their size, earnings capability, growth potential, and how sexy their CEO is in a damp T-shirt."

"Not that it means anything significant. We just needed to fill up the page."

"Actually, now that we're adults, that isn't funny at all. It's just spiteful. Well, maybe it is a bit funny."

"It's like asking: 'Do clouds make people want to eat more biscuits?' Maybe they do, maybe they don't - nobody knows that for certain."

"It's real bad that you liked Bros so much, man. Big Fun and The Reynolds Girls could kick their butts."

"Previously, Sega's Seaman was considered too strange for Westerners, but Sega clearly thinks that it's Seaman is good enough to put a smile on everyone's face."

"(Incidentally, if any developers are interested in offering him work, our own Mr Biffo has a vast action figure collection, will work for peanuts, and rewards benevolent employers with unspecified 'extras'.)"

Zombie Dave on a "gift": "Rrr grrrrft rrrf rr prrrrl nrrrrglrrs."

"This is Tetris at it's purest and therefore it makes us smile like artisans on absinthe."

"Trying to improve upon it by making it 'round' or 'wordy' was akin to using a purple felt-tip pen to write swear-words on Shakespeare's original manuscript of The Tempest."

"Hey - it's not all bad, man. At least we're not drunk today!"

"Mario Golf isn't the 'pipe of cuss' you might expect it to be. In fact: 'He got good golf'."

"However, we've yet to play the sort of golf game we really want to play, namely one in which you get to drive around the course in those little carts, and aim your golf balls at the faces of groundsmen for extra points. The name of this game? Ultra Golf 47!"

"However, with Mario currently entrenched in something of a 'Fat Elvis' period, relying on his name alone to draw the crowds, the scope is there for a new Donkey Kong game to clean up."

"The blame partially resides with Sierra's decision to reorganise itself into three seperate divisions, possibly known as George, Ringo and Melly."

"M. Mouse, D. Duck and G. Oofy join together to get drunk and throw bricks at each other."

"...and a lisping sap called 'Murray'."

"We'd like to say yes, but we don't even know what women are."

"Artist's impression of Peter Main as he may have appeared: PETER MAIN: 'Peter loves you!'"

Nintendo's Peter Main at a press conference: "...answered some tough questions following the presentation - some of them possibly asked by naked mutants!"

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Copyright © Chris Bell 1997-2007. All Rights Lovingly Fondled.