Digi-U-Like
The Pointless Quote-O-Page
The quotes continue, man...
"Current stock is either being removed from shelves, labelled as non-Sony authorised, or guarded by a stork called Lilith Pear, who bites the hands of anyone who looks as if they might be interested in the £65 console."
"Children: this isn't a trick we suggest you emulate at home. Unless, like, you really feel like it."
"Because what if you were the real James Bond? We wouldn't want to be the ones to 'blow your cover'."
"It's a piece of gaming history that you can carry in your pocket without having to eviscerate Shigeru Miyamoto's torso."
After being accused of bias against Sony, Sega & Nintendo: "Hooray!"
"Sony is reportedly courting the likes of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to embrace the new technology - though personally, we think it's a really rubbish idea."
"A must-buy for your 'pocket chum'."
"It's the first threat to the Game Boy's handheld monopoly since the Game Gear and Lynx coughed their faces off."
"Ross, you're always hanging around our letters pages. Haven't you got something better to do?"
"Electronics Boutique - the games chain with a name like a perfume shop for effeminate robots..."
"That's the sort of name for a game which makes us laugh. See: ha ha... ha-ha!"
"Yes the game vibrates, but so does our washing machine, and you don't see us giving that 90%+. The bonus here, we suppose, is that you can hold it against someone's face while you're on a bus to give them a 'start'. But we don't really want to do that."
"The best quote ever" - Biffo; from Shigeru Miyamoto: "I know about Seaman and I know about Cabbage. Since Cabbage has been delayed it might have been a good idea for Mr Saito to have released Seaman on the Nintendo 64."
"Hey - you could stand this in a cardboard box and make your own arcade for gerbils!"
"Because we're lazy drunkards, we can't really be bothered to investigate the history of handheld gaming."
"'Wife'? 'Birth'? You, 'Hussey', are obsessed with marital relations."
Zombie Dave on his millennium plans: "Rrm hrvrng srcks frr thrr Mrrlrrnrm."
Re: fudger@york: "We can't do that, man, though your name makes us wonder how nice a fudge-filled Yorkie bar would be. Mmmm. They ought to make those."
"You know: right round like a record, baby."
"At every turn the Saturn was punched in the neck by the PlayStation, until there was nothing left to punch."
"As history starkly records, Sega's Saturn failed to produce any Sonic games until late in it's life, when they pulsed out of it's mouth in the form of a stinking, yellow froth."
"Every new games system needs it's mascot: the Nintendo machines had Mario, the PlayStation had Jonathan Brazil The Funkster, and the 3DO had Marcel du Cluck-Ckuck-Cluck III."
"And we all know what happened with that, fatty."
Re: Kenneth Manson: "Don't get too wound-up, Charlie-boy."
"Back in 1987 Nintendo had begun it's jackbooted domination of America, with it's games führer Mario leading the charge on his NES."
"Hydro Thunder will cause your jaw to hang open like a leech's suck-wound."
"But wait. Like a bunch of drunks in charge of a time machine - we're getting ahead of ourselves."
"Sega was determined that it's next hardware release would be a fresh start for the company, thus re-establishing it as a giant 'space raven' feeding upon the atomic heart of the games market."
"The Dreamcast - an initially rubbish name, which like Salvador Plankton, get's better the more you hear it."
"Put yourself in SNK's position: this isn't so much a David v Goliath situation, as akin to attempting to destroy a planet with a digeridoo and a couple of conkers."
"It's impact on penny arcades akin to Adam taking the apple from the Garden Of Eden, and using it to make cider, and then getting drunk and trying to impress Eve with a grotesque display of 'dirty dancing'."
"What do you mean by that exactly? Mr Biffo's eyes have lit up..."
"'If music be the food of love, let's eat it,' the Bee Gees once sang with their hideous, prominent teeth gnashing away at thin air."
Zombie Dave on the 'land on your own moon' song by that putrid girl from the PS ad: "Rrrrl mrrrrn mrrrr rrrrz rrrt hrrrr."
Zombie Dave on a neighbour: "Mrrr nrrrbrrr rrrz rrr prrzz rrtrrzd."
Re: "bigal": "You ought to change your screen name, man, or you're going to start getting unwanted attention in chat rooms. It can be read two ways, you know."
"Don't cuss our heritage, man."
"Wait up: those guys aren't Germans!"
"Yes, but learning to use the PC is like trying to learn to ride a horse which has broken knees."
Zombie Dave: "Shrrv rrt rrrp yrrrrr chrrrrrf."
Zombie Dave on "fish": "Frrshrr lrrrg rrr smrrrlrr frrnnrr."
On skateboarders: "They also grow 'half-beards' which have no moustache, and say stupid things like 'Gnarly, dude' and 'Ollie blunt!' Skateboarders are idiots."
"That's the best song ever!": "I like Digitiser/I read it every day/I'm sure it makes me wise/I know it makes me gay (happy)."
"Waiting seems like a stupid thing to do. It's cutting off your nose to spite your face, and then eating the nose."
Zombie Dave on the French: "Thrrr frrrgz crrrn frrrrg rrrt rrrf."
Zombie Dave on the colour of his "controller": "Mrrrrr crrrnttrrrlrrr rrrz prrrrprrl."
On Rayman 2: "Le pompt de dompt de do. De dompt dompt la dompt? Non! Le aw-hee-aw-hee-awww. Oui! Le aw-hee trompt-da-bon-bon!"
"Oui! Je nais pompt de dompt!"
"Except you can't fiddle with the drivers."
"Average graphics and dodgy handling make Jack a sad boy."
"Also: pictures of naked priests!"
On Lara Croft: "What has she got going for her? A pair of shorts, expanded chest, and a couple of pistols. She may be cool, but she's about as charismatic as smallpox."
"This time last year, the botched Japanese launch of the Dreamcast seemed to be the final nail in Sega's idiocy coffin. This time two months ago, with the delay to the European Dreamcast launch, it looked as if that coffin had been exhumed and dumped in the sea."
"We really wish we'd seen that, but at the time we were busy being gagged and violated by armed intruders."
"S. Twain is an anagram of W. Stain."
"No. Apparently we're biased against everyone and every game we do/don't express an opinion on."
Zombie Dave: "Mrrr grrrn hrrrz rrr smrrlrr frrnrrr."
"We're excellent!"
"In the words of the traditional festive ballad: 'Christine is coming, and she's goosing her own fat'. We don't know what that means, but we do know that Santa is filling his sack, and preparing to empty it's contents down your chimney."
"There is, quite literally, something for everyone. Yes: even social deviants!"
"Then we saw that old granny spy on the news, and realised we'd probably have to seduce her, and we didn't relish that prospect no matter how drunk we might be on vodka Martinis."
"After appearing in an appalling N64 incarnation, Mission: Impossible has now stitched it's malformed head to the PlayStation."
£918M: "Think of the gin that would buy..."
Zombie Dave on Sonic: "Srrrnrrrrrg rrrrz rrrrr frrrrgwrrrt."
"The games are colourful, perfectly playable, and only marred by a short lifespan. But then, perhaps we shouldn't have tested them out on a 48-year-old chess grand master."
Re: Raymond Calthorpe: "That's quite some name, son. Are you a perfumed dandy?"
"Do you understand how it works yet? Or would you prefer to be shamed further?"
"Toilets are funneee."
"My, what a lot of things have happened while Gossi was among the shoes."
"That's 'cinematic' as in 'it has a plot', and not the Wing Commander definition of 'cinematic' as 'it has no game'."
Quiz Box 59: "Q: Indiana Jones and The Infernal... a) Machine, b) Tomb, c) Arthritis."
"Divvies are well catered for, as you can tinker with the goodness of your opponents, making them as useless as phantom pregnancies."
"If we have reservations - and we do - put it down to personal taste. But then, we like to eat raw foxes."
"Mercifully, Psygnosis has once again switched on it's goodness machine, and caught the lighning in it's proverbial bottle. Unfortunately, the bottle was already filled with dog dirt."
"Question: What noise does a cat make when it's going down the motorway? Answer: Pooooooon!"
'Bearded' 'woman': "Beard me do, love!" 
"Nevertheless, we have our reservations at The Scepitcs Hotel."
"Neither as frightening - nor as bad - as a pilled-up Texan coming at you waving a bamboo reed."
Re: "pant-soilingly scary" Resident Evil2: "You're just using it as an excuse to cover up for your feeble bowels."
"We guess it's better than being in the genre of movie we once found ourselves in, following a weekend on tequila."
"Youth is no excuse, Dixon."
"We once saw a ghost. Oh wait... mum says it was just a goat."
"You should see the way we drag ourselves around the floor when we're legless. It's even worse."
"We bet you've often felt more than just a little 'giddy', man."
"Woolworths is playing Little Saint Nick over the PA and there's a half-naked Santa mannequin being erected in the window of BHS - it must mean Christmas is lurking in the wardrobe."
"Everyone should own one - same as everyone should own a couple of goats."
"The minute you hit 15 people start giving you queer looks if you so much as make an explosion sound with your mouth, while simultaneously indicating the size of the explosion by slowly moving your arms apart."
"Call us concerned citizens if you will, but how many young Mario fans have, over the years, themselves attempted to 'get super' by eating special mushrooms they find while, say, wandering through the woods?
"How many have then believed they could fit through pipes, or fly? Too many."
"You students make us sick."
"They arrive in the US today aboard a Pokemon-branded jet, replete with Pokemon-themed stewardesses, and a big crow which has been trained to hiss: 'Prrkkkrrrmrrrrn. Prrrkrrrrmrrrn.'"
"Had the Mega Drive not been blessed with FIFA Soccer et al, it's likely the SNES would have punched it's mouth in."
On interview with Silicon Dreams' David Rutter: "Rutt-on!"
"Here's a really funny story. We were waiting for a train with a friend one evening when we pointed to a drain on the opposite platform, and told him there was a rat in it. 'Oh yeah', he remarked. Except: there wasn't a rat in the drain! Haha! We laughed for hours! ...You probably had to be there."
"We saw the Supergirl film the other day, and the special effects were far from realistic, but, man, that's one scary movie!"
Nintendo's 'unwholsome' Pokemon: "It's like the hapless idiot who stumbles into the roughest bar in town hoping to use the toilet, and ends up inadvertently helping to rob a bank."
"Also, Tarzan has a really big nose. Perhaps they should have called him Noze-man! Haha."
"...and a clutch of bonus levels see him swimming down river, and riding on the back of a big bird (sadly, not THE Big Bird)."
"Tarzan killed by frog? Tarzan not understand."
"Nevertheless, swinging can be fun. Do you see?"
"Then again, we've had some major rucks with our friends down the park over which brand of gin is best."
"Personally, we play games straddling a giant plaster pig and thereby defy all categorisation."
"...it must mean that Christmas is lurking in your coalshed with a hammer."
Zombie Dave on the DVD add-on for the DC: "Rrrl brr rrbrl trr wrtch rrrd flrrmz!"
Zombie Dave on the DC's zip drive, allowing the storage of "data": "Drrtrrr? Yrrr mrrrn prrrrnrrrrr!"
"Let's hope Nintendo punched each and every one of the counterfeit fiends hard in the mouth."
"A court-authorised sting operation, undertaken recently in New York City nabbed unlicensed products ranging from t-shirts, cuddly toys and stickers to trading cards, hats, dingle-danglers, ponk-honkers, frinton-lardleys, possetts, and brown yuts."
"In reality, that was, at best, a lazy description, but then we're lazy (specifically: drunk) kind of guys."
Re: 'Frankly, I am disappointed with Nintendo': "Well, maybe Nintendo is disappointed with YOU!"
"Like a bunch of stupid schoolgirls arguing over who'd win in a bloody, bare-knuckle contest between S Club 7 and The A Teens, Capcom likes its crossovers."
Re: 'N64 helped shape the market': "Yes. It has helped it go 'pear shaped'."
"We used to have a neighbour called Mr Benson. Did you used to live next to us, and get drunk and say: 'Don't lecture me son', when we asked what you thought you were doing trying to get into our back garden at midnight?"
Re: 'Is the DC Millennium compliant?': "No. It's going to break and set fire to your house on January 5."
"It would seem that Miyamoto-san's magic has rubbed off on UK developer Rare. Don't think too hard about that."
"What's more, no amount of flatulence can make up for a bad game."
"GTA tried hard to offend, but was like a frustrated schoolboy trying to impress his mates by standing on a bench, shouting swear words and spitting."
"What will this naughty schoolboy do for an encore? Throw a protractor at his form tutor, perhaps?"
"We think there should be more brown consoles. Brown is an excellent hue."
Re: request for more wrestling game reviews: "Yes, but they make us have funny thoughts. Thoughts about sweating men pulling on our ankles."
"On-screen events will cause the booth to jostle viewers with under-floor hydraulics; trigger jets of tar to spray their mouths; or pump slurry up around their feet."
Pokemon movie's first w/e US takings: "It raked in around $32.4m, which is enough to build five and a half Bionic Men, or two hospitals."
"In addition, the race structure will be dramatically reworked and players will be able to trade boats. Perhaps for booze. We just don't know."
"Except most of you probably don't know who Purves is, do you? Blue Peter Presenter? Used to be in Doctor Who? Ohh... we are SO old." - [I remember him! He presented Paddles Up, too...]
"Anyway, Extreme Biker is a dirtbike, motocross romp with one eye firmly on the laws of physics and the other watching the rump of unreality."
"Nobody know that."
Re: Sean Murphy: "Are you Irish, by any chance?"
"We're not even going to dignify that with a response. Apart from calling you a fat idiot, of course."
"We attribute this to sitting behind Waqar Kahn during two years of history lessons, thereby having to spend more time chalking his back, or throwing his bag out of the window, than learning history.
"Unsurprisingly, the original Age Of Empires taught us more about the past than spamming Waqar Kahn ever did."
"It's also essential entertainment for those who, like us, believe Joan Of Arc was the first female welder, and want to learn a bit about history without being distracted by the boy in front. So to speak."
"Don't get profound with us, pig-boy"
"Christmas is nothing if not annual."
"Yes, it's wacky and slapstick, but so was Harold Lloyd. And he's dead now."
"Time Digital has named the Sega Dreamcast it's Machine Of The Year - narrowly beating competition from a machine which cleans spoons, and a sort of electric hair-stretcher thing."
"Then, when you tell him that you're bored hearing the same joke again and again, he changes the punchline so that the joke makes no sense; 'Why did the chicken cross the road? Carrots!'"
"Fortunately, there are no sheds in Suzuki Alstare, nor did we land on any crossbars. However, it did give us the runs."
Re: Robert Smith: "You be the judge, 'Cure-boy'."
"You could hide it in a big cardboard box, with the word 'PRAWNS' written on the side."
"The reason we love the Worms series more than any other is that it allows us to go into a games shop and ask of the gentleman behind the counter: 'Excuse me, sir, but do you have worms?' Ha ha. What a funny joke."
"...and so rude Dr Repitition doesn't take long before insulting the 'patience' and Nurse Boredom-Threshold."
"More than half a million Pokemon novels have been bought in the US by word-savvy read-o-youths."
"...said US industry analyst Sean McGowan, who may or may not have been in The Pogues."
"Good luck to them, we say. Stick it to da man!"
"You play a boy or girl trapped in some sort of ethereal dreamworld where nightmares are real. Fortunately, they don't get to encounter the naked dentist we dreamt about two night ago."
"Sleeping is probably the best thing ever."
"Once, we awoke after a night on the gin to find ourselves surrounded by horrible corpses. However, our nausea subsided when we remembered we worked as morgue assistants and had the night before been celebrating the birthday of the chief mortician. Ha ha."
On Nintendo's poor translations: "Monkey child no speak clear-oh. What mean you say that? Aieee: monsters from beyond the grave to eat us!!!!!!"
"Sega cuss you bad."
Re: Chris Moore - 'Where have all the Sega idiots come from?': "They were in our cellar, Roger."
"Yeah, but Star Wars had Jar-Jar Binks in it, man."
On Reebok: "Bok-bok-a-bok."
"In addition, the developer is rumored to be working on a massive online multiplayer Star Wars game, with a vaguely RPG flavour (RPGs, of course, tasting a bit like minted lamb)."