"This continues for some hours until you either a) successfully land a fish, or b) (more likely) go and do something less boring instead."

"Had they allowed us to fire a shotgun into the water we would've been happy."

"Muhammed Ali, Joe Frazier, Sugar Ray Leonard, Sunbeam Starfish and Falafel Halal Falalfallafal are just some of the fighters to choose from..."

Solid Snake: "He was also really good at breaking necks."

"Practically every classic game to have dribbled out of Nintendo's pulsing snout has been tickled by Miyamoto's possibly bristly chin."

"Call us 'graphics slappers' if you will..."

"In much the same way that we like the taste of creosote, once again, our tastes have steered from the path of considered wisdom."

"If Gumpei Yokoi is John Lennon, and the Game Boy is Revolver, then by comparison the bloke who invented the PlayStation is Cliff Richard, and the PlayStation the album which has Wired For Sound on it."

"The Game Boy is the console which everyone from Daddy Cool to Grandad Smelly can play, without feeling odd or violated."

"If Capcom has a long-term strategy, it's either very clever, or very rubbish."

Biffo's Christmas: "Apart from the inevitable flu, it wasn't bad. We got a home brew kit!"

Nintendo's 'unpredictability': "One minute it's doing a really funky dance and everyone is applauding; the next minute its trousers have fallen down, and it's smashing the place apart with a champagne bottle."

"Unfortunately, the N64 is all but dead; it's only Baron von Nintendo's sinister electrical reanimation experiments which causes its limbs to jerk so."

DK64: "On paper it's the best game ever. In reality, we wanted to eat that paper and then vomit over Rare's head."

"We're really stupid; if nothing else, keep it simple for us, loves."

"Gauntlet was a classic. This 'improved' version is akin to sticking a couple of brooms on the arms of the Venus di Milo. Legend? 'Scrag-end', more like."

"If you're after a decent N64 platformer go for that... Or just close your eyes and invent one in your head. That's what we like to do. But then, we're on medication."

"As a result, you'll spend your time considering the other stuff your £60 could've bought. You know: gin."

"Oh man; we hope we never get as cynical as you are!"

Re: Harry Steele: "Our dog is six years old now. Does that mean we have to put him out for the binmen, Tommy?"

"Someone must really love you."

"What a shame it's a steaming pile of badness."

"If GoldenEye was a masterpiece of sauve, stealth-based subtelty, then Tomorrow Never Dies is Robin Williams with a trumpet."

"MGM Interactive has tried very hard to cut Tomorrow Never Dies from the same cloth as GoldenEye. However, in the process of cutting the cloth, the developer somehow 'soiled' it with a foul-smelling fluid."

"It begs the question: were the pyramids really worth all that effort? They're just pointed yellow things, man."

"The ancient Egyptians were death-obsessed nutters who used to build stupid pyramid things."

"While we're sure that ancient Egypt had its share of stand-up comedians, radicals and freaksters, it's the mad pharoahs that everyone remembers."

"You stupid pharoah."

"So, the aim of Xena is to rescue her 'special friend' Gabrielle (presumably, not THAT Gabrielle) from the clutches of an evil someone or other."

"...must be overcome if you're ever to smell your friend again."

"NUON has been in development for several years at VM Labs, which was formed by staffers from the fallen Atari and 3DO empires. Therefore, it's bound to be a big success."

"The console-type system - which may eventually resemble a PC with a couple of wooden spoons sellotaped to the sides (but probably won't)..."

"Perhaps the reason is that everyone in this country knows that baseball is essentially the game of rounders, but with slightly more stupid trousers."

Psychic powers: "Yet it is intoxiholeokinesis (the ability to fit through otherwise impossible gaps while drunk), which we are particually adept at."

On Psychic Force 2012: "We see a... tall... dark stranger... putting this game in the bin. Do you see?"

"Unfortunately, it's only about as essential as contracting malaria."

"Acclaim is keen to milk its South Park licence until its udders wheeze."

"Oh my God they killed the game's overseas sales potential! Etc..."

"NBA Inside Drive 2000 is a further attempt by Microsoft to turn us all into overweight American sports fans."

"It's just the nature of the beast. Unfortunately the beast in question is a 'skankuss'."

"One day someone will write a thesis on why so many games fans are so chronically insecure. The thesis will end with the following sentence: 'In summary they are stupid idiots'."

"The PC isn't so much a 'Frankenstein's Monster', as a 'Herman Munster'."

"...the madness of Christmas will truly have its heavy fingers around our throat."

"George Lucas must be turning in his grave. Assuming he sleeps in a grave."

"...their names, and their gameplay, are carved upon the muscles of our heart."

"We bet you're real excited now."

"Speak for yourself; we've not eaten anything but vitamin pills since January 1st."

Pong: "...may have been the first game ever or something, but it's about as much fun as being trapped in a lift with Jim Davidson."

"We're no longer the only drunks on the street, and our attempts to look cool by hanging around the bus station pale in comparison to the professional thugs who have claimed the area as their own, illustrating this reality by swearing into their mobile phones."

"Everything has an explanation, man. Even Ricky Martin and 'Lolly'."

"Yes, but the PC games did well in spite of the PC being about as reliable and user-friendly as a vacuum cleaner made out of a live skunk tied to a bullrush."

Super Smash Brothers: "It's a bit like watching a load of Blue Peter presenters going at each other with baseball bats."

"But even in a dim light, shop mannequins look like beautiful women, and you'd have to be funny in the head to want to marry one of them."

"Unfortunately - and we're sure you knew this was coming - it plays like a bicycle with kippers for wheels."

"Your mind will bleed with the confusion."

"It's a bit like discovering that soccer hardman Vinnie Jones used to be a Thai pole dancer called 'Leggs' Akimbo, and worked in a Bangkok nightclub called The Purple Lotus."

"Lara Croft is about as charismatic and iconic as, well, a bit of wet bread glued to a couple of Slinkeys."

Zombie Dave on what you should focus on: "Thrr shrrd frrcrrz rrn mrrr rrrssrhl."

Re: Tom Musk: "What an excellent name. Are you, by any chance an adult film star?"

"You have to admire the amount of research which went into Gabriel Knight 3. However, there was probably a lot of research which went into the devlopment of atomic weapons, and what good have they done?"

"As an alternative, we nominate our own song entitled Pinball Super Fun. It goes something like this:

"You don't want to know what we like to smell the inside of."

"Frankly, it didn't get the support it needed from Nintendo, who scared away third-party developers by pulling funny faces and going: 'Goorrrh! Gooo-gooh!'."

Extract from Ring-Sir!, 21/1/00: "US: It's got Lara Croft in it, except this Lara Croft has got the head of a cow. I call her Ms Bovine. She hits clam shells with her beak. The name of the game? Beakus Strike!"

Zombie Dave on swans: "Rrrrd lrrrg trrrr zhrrrrg rr srrrn."

"...according to DFC Intelligence (which may, or may not be, a genetically engineered 'super-brain' that lives inside the sun)."

"It's considerably less scary than a fun fair attendant with a flick knife."

"Should any developer refuse, Sony promises to 'knock its teeth in'."

"Alas, there are no inbred hicks in Namco's Ace Combat 3."

"Except that here they made our fingers stink like we'd just been gutting a couple of trouts."

"Don't buy this one, daddy."

Zombie Dave on Tim Henman: "Hrrrnmrrn? Frrrrsh-frrzrd frrrrgrr."

Zombie Dave on 'DVD': "Rrrv grrrt Vrrrr Drrrrr rrrv mrr rrn."

"When the PlayStation originally squatted above the games market, the first golden egg it fired onto our heads was the classic Ridge Racer."

"...made us feel like gnats awarded the challenge of incapacitating a caffeine-fuelled dockworker."

"This is a Grand Canyon of a game, making other racers look like shallow, jobbie-filled rock pools by comparison."

"You can stuff cakes in the 'norns' ' mouths, or dress them up like idiots."

"You can't do much, short of playing pretend ball, and dressing them up. Shaking them around by their collars is fun though. Pigz especially."

R Smith: "Hello everyone, I'm Robert Smith of The Cure. Don't forget to buy our new album Bedsit Loneliness Despair Darkness."

T Yorke: "Hello. I'm T Yorke of Radiohead. I've just been feeding my pig some antibiotics."

Bjork: "Snet snet Bjork! Fzang! Bong! Vedley snet! B-b-b-b-bbbsaah!"

Re: 'Boardgames aren't dying; they're changing': "Yes, but are they changing like caterpillars do, or are they changing like corpses do?"

"Perhaps we should've asked, 'Will videogames kill foxy boxing?' "

"Except: it's rubbish."

"By the end of the session our eyes were bright pink, and we'd bitten our tongues off."

"You can, as they say, have too much of a good thing. Just ask anyone who's ever had too much of a good thing - they'll tell you what we mean."

"Good idea, poor execution. You know: like inventing a gallows made out of gingerbread."

"For all its classic status, we always thought Track & Field was a stinkuss."

"Put it down to different strokes for different folks, perhaps (or just put it down to the fact that we've got rubbish fingers), but we'd rather get our physical jerks elsewhere. You know: by opening a bag of crisps and shoving them in our fat gobs."

"...but after two hours play our minds were already wandering back to the gin."

"Which in turn must make the people responsible 'guff-monkeys'."

PS2 change the world?: "It's just a little games machine, man. It's hardly Chairman Mao."

"But then again, the entertainment industry is made up of insecure skanks. If you want to change the world, you should send them all to the moon, dude."

Re: PS2 change the world?; 'Only if Sony decide to offer something that is genuinely ground-breaking': "Do you mean like a big funnel and scales on the top, for the sorting and weighing of penny chews?"

"We want a TV games show presented by, uh, a cow or something. Yes, a cow called Bovus 3. Bovus 3 would review the games live, saying stuff like: 'I don't like this' and 'Bad graphics'."

Re: Sony living on past glory: "Yes: like Kid Creole."

Re: John O'Reilly: "'Oh really'?"

Le Chef: "Le pompt du violate le fun."

"Happy birthday!"

"See how we shrug our shoulders so?"

"Orc-me-do!"

"We really hate you skanky, elitist 'early adopters'. You need a smack."

"Also, none of the characters in He-Man had romantic liasons or fractured psyches; they just hit things with their swords and strutted around in outfits that would have been deemed obscene in the real world."

"Go on: write in and complain, you skanks."

"You know: sort of like in Knight Rider."

"Being really tall must have its advantages. You can step easily over low walls and dead horses with little problem, and you can reach high shelves easily without having to suffer the embarrassment of asking the newsagent to help you."

"Keep it simple for us skanks, you skanks."

"But hold, basket fans: it is also a skank-me-do."

"Beetle Crazy Cup is no more 'crazy' than, say, getting up in the morning, doing a few chores around the house before popping to Safeway to buy your lunch, then coming home, cooking the lunch in the oven, then eating the lunch."