"Violet Berlin once told Mr Biffo that he looked like George Michael."

"Airwolf is 'The King of Helicopters'."

"Your confrontational, metaphorical theorising has confused and scared us."

Re: Ronnie Wealleans: "That's quite some surname, son. Was the registrar drunk when he wrote out your birth certificate?"

Re: "What is Mr Biffo's official job title? Is it 'Baron of the universe'?": "No, it is just 'Baron'."

"You see, Team Buddies is a cute, colourful game that younger players would've embraced, were it not for the fact that its cutesy characters spew four-letter words faster than Sweary Joe The Sweary Crow."

"As she sets off to rescue a village of flares-wearing dullards..."

"And no, that isn't the fevered wrongness of a ginned-up tramp."

"Mixing different types of the same thing is real big fun. Say you mix a cow with a giraffe - you'd need a ladder to squeeze its udders."

"NOTE TO ALL GAMES COMPANIES: make more money by being less stupid."

Re: 'Wines & spirits are the best thing ever': "Especially when taken together in a big clay jug."

"No one cooks better than your mum - and we should know!"

Re: Chris Shephard: "That's just stupid talk, Cybil."

"We're assuming that Sony's PS2 business plan was written up by Drunkston P.Drunk."

"Sony has begun acting like a van-full of drunk infants since the thing was released in Japan back in February."

"So why are we a-quakin' like shiverers?"

"By keeping PS2 publishing restrictions looser than a stoat's gusset, Sony is effectively stuffing a drawer-full of socks down its throat before it's even had a chance to breathe."

"It's wrong from scabby toe to putrid head."

"It was enough to make us grin like gibbons."

"Here's the basic idea... you must raise little monsters from babies, and train them to kill each other in fights. You know, a bit like they do in the East End of London."

"Hidden & Dangerous has you controlling a small squad of troops as they attempt to cuss the Nazis...."

"...You can bark simple orders to your nearest team-mates, such as 'Follow me', 'Stop', and 'Shoe-horn'."

"Genetics is a wonderful thing, but most scientists would baulk if you attempted to graft a shrew on to a wolf."

"They could get Al Pacino to play 'L-Shaped Block."

"Yeah, but at least Street Fighter had that Minogue woman in it."

"Rather than confront us with the prospect of a game fronted by a nude Keith Chegwin - in space..."

"...And you get the obscure ones where you have to build a foyer out of fruit before a timer runs out."

Board games: "There's something to be said for sitting around a table and hissing at your relatives."

"...All featuring spontaneous events (day turning into night on the hour and the players suffering from Vitamin C deficiency on the pirate side)."

"Nostalgia, like the power of love, is a curious thing. It make-a one man weep, and another man sing."

"He can swim, climb, glide, jump and fizz; everythign that every other platformer star has ever been able to do, basically. Except - he cannot fizz!"

"Dave Mirra Freestyle BMX has you performing cycling tricks in concrete halfpipes, muddy wastelands, and The Street (NOTE: not Coronation Street, though that would be cool)."

"Gigawing, you skanked us up big time."

"Get this, Rossy: according to some guy on alt.digitiser this week, all your letters are made up by us."

"Punch them - PUNCH THEM ALL!"

"But let's hope it doesn't turn anyone into a real murderer, like other games do!"

"It was like our second worst nightmare made flesh!"

"The Sims appealed as much to the sadist as the voyeur. Oh, the joy of psychological torture. At last a game where you could imprison someone in a windowless room!"

"So then, The Sims. Truly a game for the borderline psychotic."

"And, if you had the cheat, you could play with Spider-Man. What more could any guy want?"

"...The way they wet themselves when you trapped them in a room with a sink but no toilet..."

"Now look: we've started to vent bile... TO PHYSICALLY VENT BILE."

"It took the stale and rotting look of the racing genre and set fire to its stinking crust."

Huge Game Boy arcade cabinet: "In anyone's terms, this was akin to strapping an oak to a bonsai tree to make it bigger."

"...Rounds things off better than a 'Buff-a-tronic' machine."

"This is the last thing we had to write before our Christmas break. Do you think anyone will be able to tell?"

"That it's probably the best multiplayer PlayStation 2 game available, makes us all the more crazy (in an angry sense - not a 'we bark at pigeons' sense)..."

"Though it may resemble a 'skank's breadbin'."

"Have we mentioned how much we like monkeys yet?"

"You can't go wrong with monkeys, whether they're sitting next to you on the sofa, throwing coke cans at the TV, or swinging around on a rope, picking at their groin. Monkeys are great."

"Indeed, if the PlayStation 2 were an entertainer, it would be Jane McDonald."

"Coming at this early stage in the PS2's life, it's akin to Jane McDonald endorsing a book about sexing gerbils, printed on human skin."

"However, putting the letter 'T' after the word rabbi may also seem like a good idea on paper, but it doesn't automatically make him a rabbit."

"Representatives from - among others - EA, LucasArts, 3DO and Konami, debated the issue of whether violent games are funny or a cause for concern."

"Like hooded men with hammers, some games just creep up on you."

"Serious Sam is like a foul-mouthed dustman at a royal garden party."

"In other words, no matter how hard you try you can't shoehorn a gateau beneath a warthog's eyelids."

"...Didn't so much miss the point as accidentally reverse over it in their car."

"Unfortunately, this is as likely to happen as Roly the dead dog suddenly bursting out of Dot's eye."

"RIIICKY!"

"Now is the time to consume chocolate eggs!"

"Further confounding those who consider the format deader than Eddie Deadson - the real dead dude - yet another Sega save-me-do has been unveiled for the Dreamcast."

"Its looking as if this will be one to file in the drawer marked 'Holliers Sausage Company Ltd Tax Returns 1987-1992'. Hello?"

Zombie Dave on French Customs official seizures being made up by 42% Pokémon goods: "Yrrz. Rnd thrr rzzzd wrrrz drrrldrrz."

"It's like watching a laboratory monkey repeatedly grabbing a banana that's been wired into the mains."

Fear Effect 2's main attraction: "Also: unzipped leather catsuits!"

"If it were a car, it would be made out of chalk and its wheels would be on the inside."

Army Men: Green Rogue: "But you had to wade through bizarre 'adventure' sections that sat with the rest of the game about as easily as a monkey might sit in a giant bottle of monkey poison, while a drunk tramp hammers on the glass, waving a pickaxe."

"Even if, in our humble opinion, Daytona USA 2001 was about as much fun as a church disco."

"If Sony didn't want the PS2 to be slated, it shouldn't have invented an 'Emotion Engine' that's only capable of provoking one emotion: apathy."

"We hope we've got the name of this game right. You see, we couldn't be bothered to write it down, and we can't check because we've sold our copy to a shop."

"However, to date the Japanese games industry's vaguely xenophobic anti-Xbox rhetoric has demonstrated one thing: that the games industry is a symbiotic circle, a living, pulsing organism that collapses whenever you kick its legs out from underneath it. We wish we knew what that meant."

"Heck, they're like the M25 - had it been designed by Robot Jones: The Stunt-Course Designing Android."

"Robot Jones would approve."

"And for that, we'd like to stuff Stunt GP down our shoes."

"Ugly would be one word for it. Another would be Chusstanto."

"But as Batman says: 'Ooh! GET this, you cow! Whoooops!"

Army Men: "...now evokes pity for those responsible rather than disbelief."

"Publishing giant Eidos continues to stumble around like a drunk tramp after falling off a ghost train."

Sonic 3 reprised: "But to us it was akin to eating an air sandwich with a nude playing card stuck in the top."

Sonic & Knuckles: "...exploring the original game by playing as Knuckles, the wall-climbing echidna. Whatever one of those is (probably a type of crow)."

"Yes: in corporate terms it had become a 'shaven sloth'."

"Further signs that Sega was starting to become complacent and take its success for granted, Sonic 3 may have sold like the proverbial 'monks-on-a-stick..."

"Sega continues to back out of Europe like a lost pony reversing out of a glue factory."

"There's a road near us called 'Spartus Road 37'. Or at least there would be if that were true."

"You're confusing the personal computer with the Super System: Codename #95."

"We've not liked passwords ever since we were thrown out of MI6 for revealing that the director's screensaver password was 'Chewbacca'."

"That's nothing. We know the inventor of reversible sedgewicks."

"Because the inventor of reversible sedgewicks hates you."

Sonic Adventure 2: "But the camera system's messed-up. They should have used reversible sedgewicks."

The Game Boy Advance's initial sales: "It's a bigger hit than the reversible sedgewick!"

"Nintendo's Game Boy Advance continues to sell like the proverbial 'gold-plated reversible sedgewicks' in Japan."

Re: Tomb Raider - 'I don't care what the critics say, I think it looks good and can;t wait to see it': "That's what the cromagnon said about the sun just before he went blind. Do you see?"

"However, we have suddenly become gripped with a hollow ache of sadness in our soul, and can no longer continue to detail the gameplay."

"It's awful from fetid head to decomposing foot."

"Here's something really funny to do: go and visit one of those open-to-tourists mines in Wales and stand outside shouting 'Scab!' at all the visitors. This is what Digitiser's Mr Biffo did on a recent Welsh exursion - and he's still laughing."

"Though a million pounds isn't quite as much money as it was, say, a decade ago, having that much in our back pockets would certainly help grease (seduce) the wheels (ladies) of life (down our gin den)."

Zombie Dave on Street Fighter: "Rrr crrn lrrk rtr Chrrn Lrrz frrrnrr."

Zombie Dave's favourite type of painting: "Rrr lrrk prrrntrrrnz rrv frrrrrnrrrz."