This page is currently growing bigger and more unmanageable than I originally imagined.
My apologies. Like all good companies, I will probably re-organise it soon.
At some point in the near future
I hope to add some (sensible) top tips.
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Don't miss it!
I'm a huge fan of Scott Adams, creator of dilbert, the hapless engineer who seems
to fall foul of every corporate bureaucratic nightmare there is. My allegiance is no accident: I've been there.
Perhaps as a result, I live my life, and do 'my business' by two guiding principles:
- Less is More (keep it simple).
- Never underestimate the stupidity of people.
This isn't meant in a belittling way - I mean, I include myself in all that.
But as Adams points out in The Dilbert Principle,
at some point in their life, on some topic - "everyone is an idiot".
But you're onto a winner
with my two principles, because if you believe in number 1, you'll have to do a lot less work. And if you believe
in number 2, you'll never be disappointed if someone (including yourself) lets
you down. [Clearly, this is especially true of higher management]
I have observed, however, that large corporations and institutions do not understand these principles.
Over-complication and over-estimation of stupidity are order of the day.
As a result you can find yourself in an an environment plagued by the
following sorts of beliefs:
- The more you document something, the higher its quality.
- Employees can't be trusted, unless there is policy to cover their actions.
[Any day now I expect policy on correct usage and disposal of waste paper to appear in
the toilet cubicles.]
- A happy workforce has wasted too much time telling jokes.
This is perhaps understandable, because of the laws of promotion:
- It is inappropriate to promote people with significant technical skill,
as their expertise is too valuable.
- A new manager should not be good enough so as to highlight
deficiencies in existing managers.
- Never promote someone, and risk your own job in the process.
Contrary to popular belief, the route to the top is not achieved through being
outstandingly competent. No, the route to the top
is by getting your current boss to promote you. And they are hardly likely to do
that if you are going to make them look stupid!
Consequently, we are governed, controlled and managed by, well as
Scott Adams would put it: "idiots".
Can do - Dog do...
If I hear the phrase "can do, will do" once more, then it's some severe rear-end damage with an A4 stapler that can, and will, be done!
I don't know who invented the phrase, but if you work it out, it's actually meaningless. Or pointless. Or both. Here are the cultures
that actually exist (in increasing levels of frustration):
- Can do, Do do
- Can do, Don't do
- Can't do, Don't do
- Can't do, Won't do
- Can't do, give up, punch the nearest person.
Change
Change is both the Friend and Enemy of the large institution. Now that's weird. It's the friend, because the ability to
make huge sweeping changes makes it obvious there must be someone at the top making some sort of decision.
It's the enemy, because it usually makes it obvious there's someone at the
top making stupid decisions.
They say "a change is as good as a rest". Most companies like a rest every six months. They've even invented several
euphemisms for it:
- re-organistion
- re-alignment
- strategic positioning
- focussing on core competence
- down-sizing
The driving force for "re-organisation" is usually something to do with "the market"
and all these other little competing companies that seem to go
around just doing what they darn well please. Personally, I can't remember a "re-alignment" that actually seemed to refect a change in
"the market". I was doing exactly the same job the day after as I was the day before. So were all my colleagues.
The only possible explanation I have for this relentless upheaval, is that it ensures the company
databases are always out of step, and therefore keeps Personnel Division (sorry,
Human Resources) in a job.
Competition and Internal Markets
In any competition, there are always winners and losers. That's what makes competition great for consumers. Good companies survive, and
bad ones die. That's the nature of a competitive market. A competition where everyone wins smacks of something very dodgy indeed.
This hasn't stopped some organisations creating internal markets where business units compete against each other,
in the vague hope that, somehow, they will all thrive and 'win'. How's that meant to work then?
Corporate Language
Corporate language is fundamental to business communication principles. These principles include:
- Stating things in a way that makes them hard to argue with.
- Stating things in a way that makes you seem important and knowledgeable.
- Making sure what you say can't come back to haunt you.
- Repeating what your boss said, but trying to disguise it.
- Inventing as many phrases for very good as possible.
- Using warm, fluffy words to fool employees into being happy and fulfilled.
In fact, corporate language is so imporant, we have developed a game around it.
Scott Adams also played his own game along these lines for real.
one day this will be continued, organised and made amusing.. Don't hold your breath though....
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