This issue: Capricornus and Aquarius prove the most unreliable star signs and are relegated to the "Beezer Homes Zodiac". Taking their place we have Crater (The Cup) and Corvus (The Crow).

Once again ancient historians disagree as to how Crater and Corvus came to be amongst the heavens. The most widely held view is this. Each of the Greek Gods had a bird as an attribute and the Crow was the attribute of Apollo. Once, when all the Gods were preparing to sacrifice, Apollo sent the crow to fetch fresh water from a sacred spring. Unfortunately, on the way, the Crow espied some ripening figs and decided to wait for them to ripen fully. After a few days the figs ripened and the Crow ate them. Then suddenly stuck with fear, he snatched up a Water-Snake (The Hydra) and flew back to Apollo. Once there he blamed the water snake for drinking all the water from the spring. Apollo, however, had been around Mount Olympus a few times and knew a pork pie when he heard one. He punished the crow by making him thirst whilst figs are ripening on the vine. Also, in order to provide a clear warning about sinning against the Gods, Apollo placed the image of the Water-Snake (The Hydra), the Water-Cup (Crater) and the Crow (Corvus), amongst the stars, depicting the latter as if prevented from ever approaching the Water-Cup.

Another version has that the Crow espied Coronis, who was the mother of Apollo's son Asclepius, being bedded by Ischys and told Apollo. Who, infuriated at being cuckolded, slew Ischys with his arrows, and changed the crow's colour from white to black. There's a moral in that tale . . . somewhere.

Crater has an interesting alternative story too. In the city of Eleusa, (which was somewhere near Troy so, good luck finding it) during the reign of King Demiphon, an unexpected and brutal plague befell the city. As was the wont at the time, Demiphon consulted an oracle, who suggested that a maiden of noble birth must be sacrificed each year to prevent the plague. Demiphon, choosing the maidens by lottery, sacrificed almost all maidens of noble birth save his own. Eventually, one of the nobles, named Mastusius, had the courage to say that his daughter would not be a part of the lottery unless Demipohon's own daughters were also included. The King was angered greatly and selected Matusius's daughter without lottery. Mastusius responded calmly and pretended to be happy that his daughters sacrifice had save the city from another year of plague. However, secretly he thirsted for revenge. Some time later Mastusius invited the King and his daughters to a feast. The King, lulled into believing Mastusius to be friendly sent his daughters on ahead. Mastusius of course slew them and after mixing their blood with wine offered it to Demiphon upon his arrival. He promptly discovered his error and had Mastusius and the wine thrown into the sea. The port of Eleusa later became known as Crater (Wine-Cup) to remind people that nobody profits from an evil deed.

Crater (14th Sep - 15th Sep)

Likes:

• Fluorescent Beverages
• The Partridge Family
• Lloyd Bridges

• Dance Music
• B Movies
• Jeff Bridges

The smallest sign in the "New Improved Zodiac TM", but easily one of the most troublesome. Why? Because, simply put, Craters are world class complainers. Nothing ever suits them. The soups too cold, the beers too hot, the suns too bright, the ‘zines too late. Personally I hate the whinging bastards with a passion only exceeded by my hatred of loss adjusters and other Golgafrinchams. Just to prove that Craters can whinge about anything I once heard one say that he's had a bad blow job. Surely some mistake.

Corvus (16th Sep - 2nd Oct)

Likes:

• Little House on the Prairie
• Double Glazing
• Mark Twain

• Alcohol (sick bastards)
• Chocolate
• Shania Twain

Nearly as annoying as the whining Craters are the world worst sports the Corvuses. God if there's one thing worse than a sore loser it's a crowing winner and these tossers certainly know how to crow. Shame that most of them only ever achieve one good thing in their entire pathetic lives and then constantly harp on about it for ever afterwards. Actually, it's probably this continuous gloating over some childhood victory that diverts most of them from ever trying to do anything decent with their lives. Still, if you are a Corvus then I'm sure that your colleagues at the KFC will never tire of the story about how you, at the ridiculously young age of seven, once won a Butlins talent contest with a touching rendition of "I'm a Pink Toothbrush". Because, I know I never would.

Elsewhere - In brief

• Pisces (15th Mar - 26th Mar) Sell all your shares. Sell the house. Put everything on the 6 dog.
• Aries (19th Apr - 13th May) Stop the continuous self abuse; because you will go          . See told you.
• Taurus (21st May - 30th May) Buy me a beer you tight fisted sod. It has been your round since 1989.
• Gemini (20th Jun - 16th Jul) Feed the cat.
• Cancer (22nd Jul - 1st Aug) Oh dear. Check your insurance now. No, you have my word on this one, you can't leave it until tomorrow. Trust me.
• Leo (19th Aug - 13th Sep) Do not go on holiday to Teignbridge. It's a shit hole.
• Crater (14th Sep - 15th Sep) Stop whining or you'll get a slap.
• Corvus (16th Sep - 2nd Oct) Rebel now. You can't do it, but it could be fun to try. Resist or serve.
• Virgo (3rd Oct - 30th Oct) People will be talking about you a lot this month. Why they should bother eludes me for the time being, but I'm sure that I can read about it in the News of the World later.
• Libra (31st Oct - 22nd Nov) We're here and you're there. Let us keep things like that please.
• Scorpius (23rd Nov - 29th Nov) The 14th, 16th, 18th, and 25th thru 30th are all good days to start a fight and I know you need to know these things.
• Sagittarius (25th Dec - 18th Jan) It's spongy, everything is spongy. You have been warned.
• Beezer Home Zodiac (The rest of the year) A disappointing season. Must try harder.

Confused by all this talk of extra star signs? Enlightenment may be found here, but don't count on it.