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TOP
Bridge
Miscellany
Miscellaneous Stuff
A few famous sayings and an added comment in brackets
Bridge Probabilities?
Bridge Mathematics
Card Sense
Phantasy Bridge
Vulnerability from board number
How Many Aces and Kings?
Worst Bridge Hand
Definitions
Bridge
players never die
Humour
Definitions
Snappy One-liners
Deep Truths
Rhymes for the Times
Miscellaneous
Stuff
This little oddity was discovered in Mr. Bridge's free magazine:
If you lose your place when dealing the cards, continue by starting with
yourself and deal the remaining cards anti-clockwise. Everyone ends up with 13
cards.
If you wish everyone to have the same cards they would have been dealt if you
hadn't been distracted, then deal as above but from the bottom of the deck.
§ ¨ ©
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In how many ways can you score 710 in duplicate Bridge?
1NTxx (V)
1NTxx + 1 (NV)
2Cxx + 1 (NV); 2Dxx + 1 (NV)
2Cxx (V); 2Dxx (V)
3Sxx (NV); 3Hxx (NV)
4Cx + 2 (V); 4Dx + 2 (V)
4Cx (V); 4Dx (V)
4S + 3 (V); 4H + 3
4NTx + 1 (NV)
5S + 2 (V); 5H + 2 (V)
Answer is 17
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In how many ways can you score 1470 in duplicate Bridge?
1Sxx + 2 (V); 1Hxx + 2 (V)
1Sxx + 5 (NV); 1Hxx + 5 (NV)
2Sxx + 4 (V); 2Hxx + 4 (V)
3Dx + 4 (V); 3Cx + 4 (V)
4NTxx + 3 (NV)
4NTxx + 1 (V)
6NT + 1
Answer is 11
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Maximum number of bids in a legal auction is 319.
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H and AP are playing multiple teams and an opponent opens 1C and follows with
a loud sneeze.
"Bless you," says his partner.
"Director!" yells H.
H repeats the auction so far, including sneeze and response, and demands that
the opponents reveal any agreements they may have.
The T.D., straight faced, asks opener the meaning of ‘bless you’ in this
sequence.
"Void or singleton club" is the prompt reply.
Turning to H, the T.D. says, "It’s O.K. this convention is fully
authorised by the Laws and Ethics Committee and requires no alert"
He departs the table chuckling.
§ ¨
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Overheard:
"Our bidding is like a Rolls Royce; fast, smooth, dignified………and
expensive!"
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"Since the average person's small supply of politeness must last him all
his life, he can't afford to waste it on bridge
partners." - Alfred Sheinwold
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"You work out who has three diamonds and then play for the hand with the
doubleton to have the queen." - Andrew Robson (tongue in
cheek)
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1. Who are the one-eyed Jacks?
2. Which monarchs have no moustache?
3. Which Queen looks to the right?
4. Which Jacks look to the right?
5. Which King looks to the right
6. Who is the one-eyed King?
7. Which King has an axe?
8. Which plain cards are not symmetrical?
9. Which monarch has four hands?
Answers
1. Majors
2. Jack of Clubs, King of Hearts, the four Queens!
3. Spade
4. Black
5. Spade
6. Diamond
7. Diamond (others have swords)
8. Sevens (Ace of Spades?)
9. King of Hearts
§ ¨
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We do not stop playing because we grow old.
We grow old because we stop playing.
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What is unusual about these results of a league of 8 teams?
Each match is IMP's converted to VP's on a 20-0 scale.
| Heat |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
Total VP's |
Position |
| Team 1 |
18 |
5 |
16 |
9 |
9 |
8 |
3 |
68 |
6 |
| Team 2 |
11 |
9 |
17 |
11 |
11 |
11 |
11 |
81 |
=2 |
| Team 3 |
2 |
17 |
5 |
3 |
9 |
9 |
0 |
45 |
7 |
| Team 4 |
5 |
3 |
9 |
9 |
20 |
12 |
20 |
78 |
4 |
| Team 5 |
11 |
11 |
11 |
11 |
11 |
11 |
11 |
77 |
5 |
| Team 6 |
15 |
15 |
15 |
15 |
3 |
9 |
9 |
81 |
=2 |
| Team 7 |
9 |
17 |
3 |
17 |
17 |
17 |
17 |
97 |
1 |
| Team 8 |
9 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
0 |
3 |
9 |
33 |
8 |
If each team gets a bonus of 30 for winning a match and a further
bonus of 23 for winning all its matches, the above table becomes:
| Heat |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
Bonus |
Total VP's |
Position |
| Team 1 |
48 |
5 |
46 |
9 |
9 |
8 |
3 |
|
128 |
6 |
| Team 2 |
41 |
9 |
47 |
41 |
41 |
41 |
41 |
|
261 |
3 |
| Team 3 |
2 |
47 |
5 |
3 |
9 |
9 |
0 |
|
75 |
7 |
| Team 4 |
5 |
3 |
9 |
9 |
50 |
42 |
50 |
|
168 |
5 |
| Team 5 |
41 |
41 |
41 |
41 |
41 |
41 |
41 |
23 |
310 |
1 |
| Team 6 |
45 |
45 |
45 |
45 |
3 |
9 |
9 |
|
201 |
4 |
| Team 7 |
9 |
47 |
3 |
47 |
47 |
47 |
47 |
|
247 |
2 |
| Team 8 |
9 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
0 |
3 |
9 |
|
33 |
8 |
Team 5, who didn't lose a match, rises from 5th to 1st.
Is that justice?
Of course you could just introduce a rule that any team that won all it's
matches is automatically declared the League winner irrespective of VP
total. But where is the fun in that!
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Top
A
few famous sayings and an added comment in brackets
The longer you can defer judgment the more likely it is to be
accurate. But the more sides of a question you see, the less likely you are to
form any opinion at all. (and I still guess the KJ combination wrong).
The contemplation of truth is the chief occupation of wisdom. (and the truth is: if I get this KJ combination wrong I go down).
The thought of suicide is a great consolation: with the help of it one has
got through many a bad night. (I’ve had many a bad night then gone home to contemplate KJ
combinations).
Life is not a spectacle or a
feast, it is a predicament. (Actually, it is a KJ combination)
A man must swallow a toad each morning if he wishes to be sure of finding
nothing stil1 more disgusting before the day is over. (One of H’s pre-empts for example).
Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon how
children do not come into the world. (Bridge enlightenment is justified insofar as people cannot learn too soon
the joy to be derived from guessing KJ combinations).
Anytime things appear to be going better you are sure to have overlooked
something (Usually an outstanding trump)
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. (Any contract has hope if I’m defending)
When a man has reached a condition in which he believes that a thing must
happen because he does not wish it, and that what he wished to happen cannot be,
this is really the state called desperation. (I knew there was a word for it!)
§ ¨ ©
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You should forgive your partner’s occasional lapses in bidding, play and
defence…… but not before his hanging.
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If you are feeling good about your Bridge at the moment, don’t worry. You’ll
soon get over it.
To study Bridge best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
Life consists of not holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.
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Having
sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have
a good hand.
Woody Allen
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Top
Bridge
Probabilities?
The probability of anything happening in Bridge is in inverse ratio to its
desirability.
At matchpoints, if you detest the pair you are currently playing and can’t
bear to do badly against them, you will score two outright bottoms. The opponent
you really really hate will then explain, in the most condescending manner
possible, how you could have had two tops.
In a League Match that you are desperate to win and in which you are red hot
favourites, you will lose …….. heavily.
If the contract you are in depends on a finesse, it will be wrong. Having
gone three down, partner will point out another line of play that will work 100%
of the time.
The opponents will congratulate your partner on his perspicacity and flare
for the game.
You will inform him, for the seventeenth time that evening, that Bridge is a
stupid game and you are giving it up.
Your trump suit is AK863 opposite J954 and the opening lead is the 2 of
trumps.
You put in the 9, which is covered by the 10 (which you later discover is a
singleton, the lead being from Qxx!). They then defend extremely well to get you
one down.
Any other opening lead gives you a trick and the contract and yours is the
only minus score.
RHO points out that playing the J at trick one is the winning play and
maintains that it is the percentage action too. You try to explain (politely)
that if he played with a person instead of a turnip you would make the contract.
The play of the J is likely to lose to the singleton Q, thus costing a trick
(losing to 10xx offside), which you were otherwise destined not to lose and, if
he had something other than a bag of peanuts between his ears he would be able
to see this.
He hasn’t and he can’t.
You dare not ask anyone else’s opinion on this matter since to be proven
wrong would be unbearable. You spend the rest of your life worrying about it.
Afterword
Having read a short article concerning the merits of playing the J or 9 at
trick one, you inform the author that the J is best.
This is not a total disaster because you do enjoy hospital dinners.
§ ¨ ©
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Top
BRIDGE
MATHEMATICS
Bridge is not a mathematical game. It is a game of arithmetic. If you
understand the underlying theory of the statement:
ONE + ONE =
TWO
you have cracked it.
You know that: an opening bid + an opening bid = a game contract.
Even easier is: clubs + diamonds = minors.
Less familiar might be: immediate winners + extra tricks = contract.
Get the idea? Try: long suit in dummy + entry = Merrimack Coup.
My contention is that all bridge theory can be reduced to the form: 1 + 1 =
2, and to prove it, I give you a list of examples that are self-evidently true:
opening bid + overcall = penalty double.
Pre-emptive bid + partner’s 10
count = trouble.
2C opening + Yarborough = disappointment.
1 NT opening +
balanced 11 = 2NT minus 1.
Multi 2D + 5-0 in the majors = 6-0 fit.
1H + splinter = 5H one off.
2NT + my partner’s hand = 2NT minus 1.
2NT + your partners hand = 6NT made.
1 NT rebid + Crowhurst = 2NT minus 2.
1 NT overcall + red = minus 800.
6S + Lightner double = 6NT tick.
1NT + Lebensohl = 3C doubled two off.
honour lead + failure to unblock = painful post mortem.
trump suit agreed + grand slam force = ace and king missing.
restricted choice + queen falling = jack takes next trick.
suit contract + trump lead = dead queen.
false card + your ox = misdefence.
1C opening + 3 passes = R.H.O. has 5 clubs.
4H + Me = 5-0 trump break.
two-way finesse + avoidance = the other way would have worked.
Clearly I must have convinced you that bridge is a simple game of basic
arithmetic.
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Top
CARD
SENSE
Refers to a player’s inherent feeling concerning the play of a card or a
sequence of card plays during a deal of bridge.
The high frequency with which this feeling turns out to be correct, despite
the absence of any coherent plan, enables an inexperienced player to develop in
confidence and skill faster than those without it.
As experience grows the concept of card sense is less viable, good players
refer to it in the past sense because they now analyse and plan before playing
the cards.
Two people with similar potential as bridge players may develop that
potential at different rates because of the presence or absence of this
ephemeral facility with the cards.
Top
PHANTASY
BRIDGE
1. Five groups (A,B,C,D and E) of players will be produced with the aid of
the Current Performance List.
2. Each participant chooses two players from each group who they feel will
be successful, in Monday and Thursday Club duplicates, over the nominated
period of time.
3. Success is defined as coming in the top three positions of the N/S or
E/W ranking lists.
4. Points are awarded for success on the following scale:
Group Position Points
1st
2nd
3rd
A
3
2
1
B
5
3
2
C
8
6
4
D
12
8
6
E
17
12
8
5. The participant with the greatest number of points at
the end of the nominated period will be the winner.
6. The winner and runner-up will receive a monetary prize, the size of
which is dependent on the number of entries. If sufficient entries are
received a third prize will be paid. The Club will take the money remaining.
7. Rules Governing Your Selection
1. If two of your selections qualify for position points, but they are
playing as a pair, you will receive the points for one selection only (the
one that scores the most).
2. If you have a selection in the first three positions in a field
(i.e. N/S or E/W) a bonus of 5 points is
given. If in both fields a bonus of 10 points is given.
3. If a position is tied, the number of points given is the average of
the tied positions.
4. If the third position is tied, the
points award is divided by the number of ties.
Notes:
Current Performance List; this is a list of all the players, on Mondays and
Thursdays in our case, who have won local points in the duplicates played on
those evenings. The points are divided by ten to eliminate the frequent zeros
and an overall ranking list produced. The anomalies, the obviously very good
players who only play irregularly, are placed in the appropriate category
manually.
Originally the list was formulated for a Ladder competition and then
extended. It also forms the basis of a handicapping system.
The cost of entry is £1 and the competition ran for an 8 week period.
Top
1. Subtract 1 from the board number
2. Divide the resulting number by 4 and ignore the remainder
3. Add the last two values together
4. Divide by 4 and take the remainder.
If value is then vulnerability is
0
None
1
N/S vul
2
E/W vul
3
Both
e.g. Board
number
13 18
subtract
1
12 17
Divide by
4
3
4
Add last
two
15 21
Divide by
4
3
5
Remainder
is
3
1
Both N/S
The vulnerability can also be obtained from :
ONEB
1 2
3 4
NEBO
5 6
7 8
EBON 9
10 11 12
BONE 13
14 15 16
Top
Think of how many aces and kings you would wish
to hold in a bridge hand. Double that number.
Add 5.
Multiply by 50.
Had your birthday this year?
If no add 1749, if yes add 1750.
Add the last two digits of this year (present year -2008, so add 8)
Subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You now have a three digit number.
The first digit is the number of aces and kings
you wished for.
The second two are your age.
Q: What is the worst possible bridge hand you can have?
A: 4 aces, 4 kings, 4 queens, and 2 jacks.
Rule of 11
The trick total whenever you bid a slam.
You know of the Phantom sacrifice where the opponents' contract isn't making
and the Over save, where the sacrifice costs more than the opponents' contract
is worth; but have you heard of the following?
Granville Sacrifice
A sacrifice that costs less than the value of the opponent's contract doubled.
Granville Double
The double for penalties of a cold contract.
Cooke Pass
The conversion of partner's take-out double to penalties and finding the
contract makes.
Sticks and Wheels
1100
Hawaii Trump Split
5 - 0
The
Hills Penalty Double Convention
Has the defining characteristic that, on a good day (when the doubler holds
maximum values) there will be only one overtrick.
The
Rule of Thirteen
If dummy and declarer have x cards between them in a specified suit then the
opponent's have 13-x cards between them in that suit. I can't quite figure
out why, but it always works and is a rule well worth memorising.
Burn's Law of Total Trumps:
"When you are declarer, the total number of trumps held by your side should be greater
than the total number of trumps held by your opponents."
Corollary: almost all violations of it end up going five down
Burn's Second Law (Rule of Eight)
During the auction, ascertain how many aces are held by your opponents.
Subtract this number from eight.
Do not bid at the level given by the answer.
Burn's Advice
If your side has bid and supported a major suit during the auction, but finished up in no trumps, you should put the major you were bidding on the extreme right of dummy as it appears from declarer's point of view.
which leads to Burn's Third Law:
You cannot make 3NT on a cross-ruff.
(The above taken from an article by David Burn to be found on David Stevenson's
website)
Lose their Finesse
Make their last Grand Slam
Play their Final Heart
Fall Prey to an Elimination
Get Ruffed Away
Jack it all in
Pass away
e-mail me your efforts...
Humour
Old age: is when all girls look good to you.
Nudist camp: a place where nothing goes on.
Laziness: the habit of resting before fatigue sets in.
Tenant: a martyr to the clause.
Bachelor : a man who leans towards women, but not far enough to altar his
stance.
Bachelor : a man who thinks a weekend is something you rest in.
Bachelor : singular chap.
Bachelor : one who can get girls into his arms without having them on his
hands afterwards.
Bachelor : a man who believes in life, liberty and the happiness of pursuit.
Bachelor : a man who never makes the same mistake once.
Rock ‘n’ Roll: a fate worse than deaf.
Miser: a person who is very close but who cannot be touched.
Hitchhiker: digital commuter.
Out of bounds: an exhausted kangaroo.
Toupee: a breadth of fresh air.
Diplomacy: the art of jumping into trouble without making a splash.
Pink elephant: a beast of bourbon.
History: nothing at all like her story.
Rudimental: sex maniac.
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet.
Get really stoned – drink wet cement.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
Alas poor Yorlik, I knew him backwards.
Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Absolute zero is cool.
Due to the economic recession the light at the end of the tunnel has been
switched off.
I never used to be able to finish anything , but now I
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
Worry is the interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
A man unzips his pants and his brains fall out.
I hate graffiti. In fact I hate all Italian food.
My career in archaeology is in ruins.
Abandon hope – you’ll feel much better.
Why won’t sharks eat lawyers? – professional courtesy.
Be realistic – demand the impossible.
Girls get minks the same way minks get minks.
More snappy one-liners
Blessed are those that go around in circles for they are wheels.
Better to have loved a short girl than never to have loved at tall.
He who laughs last doesn’t see the joke.
I don’t like to do anything that interferes with my not doing anything.
When it comes to doing for others some people stop at nothing.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they have so much to talk about.
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your arm.
A necessary evil is one that we are very fond of.
More Deep Truths
TOP
When I proposed to her
“Go to my father”, was all that she said
But she knew that I knew the old rascal was dead
And she knew that I knew what a life he had led
So she knew that I knew what she meant when she said
“Go to my father”
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who’s the unluckiest one of all?
Mirror, mirror smashed to pieces
How come this conversation ceases?
Rock of ages cleft for me
Let me hide myself in thee
While the bombers thunder past
Shelter me from burn and blast
And though I know all me are brothers
Let the fallout fall on others
Home is heaven
And orgies are vile
But you need an orgy
Once in a while
Starkle, starkle little twink
Who the hell you are I think
I’m not under the alcofulence of incohol
I’m not as drunk as some thinkle peep I am
And besides I’ve only had ten martoonies
And anyhow I’ve all day sober to Sunday up in
I fool so feelish
I don’t know who’s me yet
But the drunker I sit here the longer I get
There must be a
Raisin
For the
Current
Graffiti craze
Or are they just
Walnuts?
Mary had a little sheep
And with the sheep she went to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram
Mary had a little lamb
Last Knight
A Bishop
Was Rooked
By a Queen
Selling Pawn
In the King’s Road
Bachelor Bill has escaped the hook
His heart has not been stormed
But you know from the names in his little black book
He’s extremely miss-informed
A nickel boat
Ought to float
Tin can
Iron will
Even copper works
Though stainless steel sinks
A showgirl
named Henrietta
Always wore a very tight sweata
Three reasons she had
To keep warm wasn’t bad
But the other two reasons were betta
He rails at me
Points his finger
And gets all steamed up
Expressing himself
About my station in life
That’s my signal to make tracks
Reading between the lines
I think he’s a little loco
Silly old buffer
Mamma goes where Pappa goes
Said Mamma to her spouse
As Pappa got his hat and coat
And made to leave the house
This started quite an argument
They both said things unkind
Then from excitement Pa dropped dead
And Mamma changed her mind
It would give me
Unbounded satisfaction, she said
To execute the renovations
To the collar and cuffs
Of your shirt
She has a lovely turn of frays
A bird
A bee
A mouse
A flea
Can do their loving noiselessly
Likewise a gnat
Why can’t a cat?
Though poets long have told us brightly
That Spring on dancing feet comes lightly
It seems to us she really sloshes
Along in roomy old galoshes
He grabbed me by my slender neck
I couldn’t yell or scream
He took me to his dingy room
Where he could not be seen
He stripped me of my flimsy wrap
And gazed upon my form
For I was wet and cold and damp
And he was nice and warm
His feverish lips he pressed to mine
I gave him every drop
He drained me of my very self
And I couldn’t make him stop
He made me what I am today
That’s why you find me here
A broken bottle tossed away
That once was full of beer
There is
One art
No more
No less
To do
All things
With art-
Lessness
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the Kings horses and all the Kings men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again
Sun that givest all things birth
Shine on everything on this earth
If that is too much to demand
Shine at least on this our land
If even that’s too much for thee
Shine at any rate on me
On to Rhymes 2
TOP
Talk about lucky coincidences. The average adult has about 3000 square inches
of skin,
which is just sufficient to cover him.
A mad scientist after years of experiment succeeded in crossing a parrot with
an lion.
He doesn’t know what good the result is, but when it talks, he listens.
To tell the difference between plants and weeds, pull everything up.
If they come up again they’re weeds.
Many a man who neglects his friends to make a name for himself is surprised
when his friends tell him what the name is.
On one side of a highway notice is the inscription: "Road closed – do
not enter"
The other side reads: "Welcome back – stupid"
The seasons slip by and, before you know it, its time for the bulbs you didn’t
plant
last Autumn not to come up.
"I’m awfully sorry Miss", said the store clerk, "but this
twenty pound note is counterfeit."
"Damn it," she exclaimed, "I’ve been seduced".
We would have no objection to those people who eat like sparrows
if they would just stop that everlasting chirping about it.
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