WE'RE    TELLING
                     YOU !

WELL, we have something to be proud.
of now. Here is the Second Edition of
"On Parade," printed after we had resigned
ourselves to having to snatch THE type-
writer whenever R.H.Q. would lets, then
wheedle the necessary stencil mastersheets
from the blue, and finally steel ourselves to
repeat the duplication of our Magazine

    Last month we counted 56 copies, most
of which vanished prematurely from circula-
tion before many people had a chance to
read them. Those who were disappointed
can now be certain of obtaining their own
copies. We need a circulation of 250 to
remain solvent, and that does not seem
impossible.

    Having lived to see the first issue launched
like a frail barque on a stormy sea, we
leaned back and said, "If only the other
fellows (meaning you) would write something
for us, how smooth and pleasant would be
our path; in fact, what a cushy job we
should have for our spare hours."

And one of us said he thought he knew
why our contributors up to date had been
as rare as nosegays from a Dornier. He
said he believed that whereas many of our
bright boys might often have an idea that
would be worth handing on to posterity
through the medium of these pages, they
hesitated to try their prentice hand at
authorship.

When we thought of the numberless
stories, poems, sketches, etc, that might be,
as it were, just waiting for birth, we decided
at once that something would have to be
done about it.

We said: Well make it easy for them,"
and having dodged a coal fatigue we sat
down in a secluded corner of a lecture room
and drafted the following HELPFUL HINTS

(1) Don't be old-fashioned and sit back
waiting for ideas to come to you.
Just think of a - word say, "sergeant -
major" or "fatigue" - and having
thus given yourself a sense of well -
being,you will find that you have
plenty to say about sergeant - majors
and fatigues.

(2)  Forget about style. It's out-of-date
      anyway. Split as many infinitives as
      you like; drop your aitches, murder
      your grammar. You won't be hanged
      for it.
(3) Train yourself to go about with your
      mind a blank. Never make a note of
      any little incident that might provide
      a paragraph. By keeping yourself in
      a state of mental blankness, your
      work will have a rare freshness and
      originality.
(4) Tell yourself that this Magazine is no
      concern of yours anyway : that you've
      got no time, no paper, no pencil. Put
      as many obstacles in your way as
      possible.

           And having carefully studied these hints
there is only one more thing to do -- FORGET
THEM, TAKE YOURSELF FIRMLY IN
HAND, AND WRITE SOMETHING FOR
US.
               ______________

                 NEXT  PLEASE!
Early one morning, just as the sun was rising,
I heard the sergeant say to me
As we stood there on parade;
"Get your hair cut, get your hair cut.
'Ere the dawn shall come again;
Say a last farewell to those wavy locks,
For the sight fills me with pain."

"Oh, sergeant, dear sergeant, pray what shall
      I do?
The barber is closed and won't open till 2;
My duties are many, my time it is small,
I doubt if I ever shall get there at all:"

That night as I lay on my pillow,
That night as I lay on my bed,
That night as I lay on my pillow
I wished that my sergeant was dead!
Bring back, oh, bring back,
Bring back my long hair to me,to me,
These chill winds just scalp me,
Encasing in ice my poor head.

    (Moral: If you want to please the Sarge
-- get your hair cut.
                                   "Sammy."

     FEED  THE  BRUTE
    By 2nd Lt. M. F. Dowding.

Any of you who at any time have had to
prepare your meals may occasionally
have wondered what it must be like to feed
400 men three times a day.  "On Parade,"
anxious to satisfy this thirst for knowledge,
sought an explanation, which gave birth to
this article.

   As behoves a democratic State fighting
for that very democracy even so mundane,
yet admittedly important, a matter as feed-
ing its army is conducted in an essentially
democratic manner. In the Dictatorship States
one can well imagine the despatch with
which a soldier who complained or even
sneered at a piece of delinquent sauerkraut
or sub-standard spaghetti would be thrust
into a concentration camp.
In our Army we
have a better way: we have a Messing
Committee.

   Whether the representatives are chosen
democratically by their batteries or merely
press-ganged into service I have never dis-
covered; I hope and believe that it is the
former. Whatever their status, be it  ambass-
ador or scapegoat, four august personages are
ushered into the messing office each Tuesday,
with ceremony befitting their rank. The
Messing Officer, ably assisted by his clerk, at
once seeks to extract from them high praise
of his and the cooks' skill. while they seek
for the pithiest phrase in which to couch
Gnr. Atkins' complaint that he was not
getting his ration of jam.

   This game is apparently unending (as the
minutes bear silent witness), but eventually
complaints are noted, and a new menu
appears for the coming week and is then
dangled before the eyes of the authorities
and is finally pinned  up on the cookhouse
door.

HOW   IT  IS  DONE.

   When this is achieved, their colours are
(to coin a phrase) nailed to the mast, and it
becomes a duty of the Messing staff -
officer, clerk, bdr./cooks and underlings - to
see that they stand or fall by that menu.
To do them credit, they usually do succeed
in reaching a good British compromise

   To attain their objective they must over-
come three obstacles - the R.A.S.C., the
N.A.A.F.I., and the financial situation.
These obstacles, alas, are not merely passive:
they are active. The forecast which is
issued says that you will have beef on Mon-
day, mutton on Tuesday and stewing meat
on Wednesday. Then, with that tireless sense
of humour so prevalent in the Army, they
send mutton on Monday, beef stew on Tuesday,
and beef on Wednesday, and the
menu in the meat stage goes to bits.

   On the vegetable side they have much
more scope, and use it accordingly, and as
for puddings, there is no depth to which
their ingenuity cannot descend. The
N.A.A.F.I. play the same game with sugars
and spices, and the "frou-frou" of the
kitchen front, and add to the difficulties by
needing a week's notice for everything
except eggs, which require a long-sighted
policy based on a five-years- war to expect
anything approaching success. And so the
menu varies.

SO  SIMPLE !

   The financial situation is delightfully
simple, as each man is allowed 2 ½d. per day,
and it is merely a matter of multiplying 386
by 2 ½d. by three, after which the mere
spending of the enormous sum obtained is
child's play in comparison.

   Bread needs a separate paragraph. The
plain fact is that with every man, woman
and child in this blessed isle tightening their
belts, we have to go easy on bread, but we
draw flour as loaves to make up a little of
the dearth. The other way of decreasing
bread consumption is by using Marie Antoin-
ette's method of eating cake, but then this
requires flour which has become bread
already. The problem is then what to do
with surplus margarine. Obviously, La
Antoinette was no Messing Officer.

   In fact, a fellow-countryman at a latter
date in a thoughtless moment said, "An
army marches on its stomach," but from
experience I can vouch that it also reads
rounds of angles, plots its asymptotes,
observes its flashes and does its fatigues and
maintenance all on its stomach, so why the
Messing Officer isn't a raving lunatic and his
staff well on their way to an asylum, no one
can say - perhaps they are.

         MY EARLY DAYS.
        By R.S.M.  P. Thomas

In our last issue R.S.M. Thomas wrote
the first of a series of articles on the early days
of Survey work, when methods were rather
different from those to-day, and the sucess
of a scheme often depended upon the whim of
one of the horses used in the laying of wire,
or the demands of transport on this means of power.
     In this article the R.S.M. recalls some
more amusing incidents of his early days with
the Survey Company.

The Survey Company sailed from Liver-
pool in October, 1922, for Turkey. I
had just mustered as a gunner, and although
too young for active service I managed to
go with them.

   We landed in Chanak, and spent a very
pleasant fortnight there getting used to the
Turks and Greeks, then we crossed the
Dardanelles and went to an outlandish valley
miles from anywhere.

   I remember very well our arrival at this
place, as the following incident will show:-
  We were immediately issued with bay-
onets, given a lecture on how impressive a
smart armed party looks, then fallen in to
march through the village of Yalova, to let
the villagers see that we were prepared for
any emergency.. My literary powers fail far
short of giving a really convincing account
of what it was like, but here goes.

   Two infantrymen were placed on the
flanks to carry out the "Fix" and "Unfix"
bayonets. The order "Fix" was given and
carried out fairly well, although slowly.
Then came the "Slope Arms"  - and what
a mix-up. At least twenty bayonets
fell to the ground, and tin hats fell off or
were knocked to one side.

FIRST  KILL.

At last the grand procession started, and
we trailed our was through the village and
back, followed by the largest pack of native
dogs I have ever seen - much to our con
sternation, and the amusement of the
Singalese troops stationed there.

   That night I did my first guard, and
boldly patrolled the side of the hill. We
had been instructed to keep a sharp look-

out for attackers crawling through the-
scrub. I heard someone crawling stealthily
behind me, and I stood still, transfixed, and
too frightened to challenge or look round.
At last, when he was nearly upon me, I
gathered courage, grasped my rifle firmly,
and turning quickly thrust my bayonet into
his body, and twisted it as hard as I could

   Howls of anguish followed and although
my hair was on end, and my mouth  and
throat devoid of all spittle, I carried out
my brave task.

   When the howls and gasps subsided I
dragged the body to the light of the guard
tent - and lo and behold, there was the
fattest puppy I had ever seen - quite dead.
For the rest of that night my beat extended
no further than the light that shone from
the door of the tent.
           ________________

    The All-Ranks' Dance

So complete was the success of the first
All-Ranks' Dance held in the Regi-
mental Institute on Saturday, March 8th,
that all looked forward eagerly to the
next one.

   Two bands - The "Shiny Seventh"
Orchestra and Lew and his Melody Makers -
provided a non-stop programme from 7.30
p.m. till midnight, and it was generally
conceded that our own Band gave a credit-
able performance considering that they have
had little time for practice or rehearsal.

   Not many of the 300 people present
realised how greatly their enjoyment was
the result of the hard work and initiative
of R.S.M Thomas. The request for a dance
was not received until Tuesday, and a
meeting arranged for Thursday proved
abortive owing to the calls of duty. "On
with the dance," said the R.S.M., and went
ahead with the arrangements. The tickets
were printed, the band booked and trans-
port arranged, and the result was a highly
successful evening.

   For the benefit of those who commented
on the lack of floor covering, we can explain.
At the time the lino-laying experts were
away from camp, and rather than give the
job of covering the floor to amateurs it was
decided to take a chance on leaving the
floor uncovered- a chance, we may add,
which most decidedly came off.
                                                    "SWING   IT"     

     The Man Who
   Shouldn't Be Here.

Should official business take you to
F.S. Battery office, you will probably
meet L./Bdr. W Anderson, the man who
should not be here because "officially" he is
a prisoner of war in Germany. He discovered
this himself only in the last few weeks while
trying to recover completely from injuries
received in a smash at Meaux, near Paris,
on May 28th last year.

   Thrills piled up speedily between May
29 and June 29 that he was possibly not so
startled as he might have been to learn from
Records, while at home on leave on June 23,
that he was posted as missing on June 15.
His Scottish calm was however, badly jolted
last month when the Red Cross informed
him that he was a prisoner of war, though
his camp was unknown.

  But here is his story in order of events.

  The Smash-up at Paris left him with a
broken leg and crushed arm. He was taken
to hospital at Gisors, the first of seven
hospitals in which he was a patient - gener-
ally until the Germans bombed him out.
He was on his way to an unknown destina-
tion with another Scottish soldier from Perth
when he attracted the attention of a British
R.T.O. at Le Mans station. That ended his
tour of French Hospitals.  

   A train was held up until the two British
soldiers were transferred and taken back to
England. Their ship was bombed on the way,
bit L./Bdr. Anderon finally reached Chester-
le-Street Hospital, Durham, on June 16.

THEY'RE TELLING HIM!

   After a few days he went to Bishop
Auckland Hospital, and went home on leave
on June 23. Then the fun began. On July
2, Records informed him that he was posted
missing, but discovered their mistake, and
told him six days later that he had been
discharged from hospital.

   He was among the first to join this
Regiment, but in February he received
another shock. His wife received from the
Red Cross the glad tidings that he was a
prisoner. A bundle of papers explained the
rights of war prisoners, what to send them,
and how.

The moral of these adventures for soldiers
dependants seems to be "Don't believe the
worst. A soldier sometimes travels faster
than news." The soldier will find satisfaction
in repeating to Records that classic dis-
claimer. "The report of my death is greatly
exaggerated," and he will consider it a good
joke - provided his pay and allowances are
not stopped pending his official resurrection.
                                                                           
                         _____________________

         UNEXPECTED
          ADVENTURE.

We are often exhorted when we go out on
schemes to imagine that we are actually
in action, with danger and perhaps death
lurking around the corner. Our imagination
doesn't always rise to the occasion, buy
sometimes Chance steps in and provides a
twist to a routine job which jolts us out of
our accustomed complacency.

   This happened not long ago to Gnr. (now
L./Bdr.) Howell, of this Regiment, and a
Sergeant who is now with another Survey
Regiment. At the time they formed part
of an F.S. operation personnel out on the
Plain after dark. Their job was to send up
the flare, and for this they chose the cover
of a small copse.

   All preparations were made, everything
was ready, and all around was perfect still-
ness. Up went the first flare; a short pause,
then the second flare followed, then --
C-R-R-R-A-C-K- a burst of machine-gun
fire spattered around them with a suddenness
that shocked them for a second into im-
mobility.

    "Down," hissed the sergeant, and down
they went, each gripping his rifle. "Load!"
Cautiously they pushed the cartridges home,
and as silently as possible crawled in the
direction from which they believed the
attack to have come.

   But stranger than the shooting is the fact
that they could find no sign of anyone
within a fairly wide radius of the copse, and
equally strange that they returned and sent
up the rest of the flares without further
interference.
                                                          B.A.

A     STRANGE     BASE
By Sergeant W. J. Hoskins

   You often hear it said that truth is
stranger than fiction, and after reading
this further experience of Sound Ranging
in practice you should have no more doubts.

    One day our peace of mind was rudely
shattered by the Battery runner asking all
section commanders and Nos.1. to report
to the Battery Commander at once. When
we saw the B.C's face we were not sure
whether we had won the war or whether
Wales had capitulated to Scotland.

     After hearing our instructions and reading
the maps, the situation dawned on us. We
were ordered to survey and wire a base on
a certain bearing and in such and such an
area. This sounds nothing, just the normal
deployment order, but the area given was
Roubaix, which, as some of you know, is
France's Manchester.

    After a map recco. several large factories
in a rough line and approximately 2,000
metres apart were chosen. We surveyed
this, using two huge water towers, each 300
feet high, as the main trigs- one being at
Waterloos. One of the bookers at the first
tower used is now in this Regiment.

TOO EASY.

   As the factories nearly all had flat con-
crete roofs and were higher than the sur-
rounding buildings, a simple triangle fixed
most of the points, so the survey proved
disappointingly easy. The snag came in
my department. How were we going to
wire the base? The French G.P.O. played
up marvellously. We arranged to tap in a
short line from each mic. to the nearest
overhead telephone line and then all came
in to the public exchange. We were then
plugged over a special branch of lines
into a room lent us as S,R. headquarters.

   The exchange was the very latest in
German automatics and I could have fiddled
round it for days.  The French officials gave
us every assistance, even to using their own
operatives to balance the lines and test and
measure the resistances. Our only trouble
was that we never used this base because
on the retreat Jerry was in Roubaix before
we were.

   To prove this base would be successful,
we erected mics. on all the flat roofs in

Haisnes-les-la Bassee, where we were then
billeted, and took disturbance tests in all
weathers and found the bee-hive screening
completely satisfactory under these con-
ditions. Instead of wind our greatest trouble
was low-flying aircraft.
         ________________

             WHO'S  WHO ?

The clerk who tried to lick a stamp while
wearing his respirator during the weekly gas
drill ?
                      *  *  *  *  *
The signaller who marched smartly past
R.H.Q. with a spade at the "slope," and on
seeing an officer promptly gave a butt
salute?
                      *  *  *  *  *
The Surveyor who dragged his coat
sleeve along a newly-painted door and
plaintively wanted to know why the -------
the maintenance crew needed to coat doors
with WET paint ?
                      *  *  *  *  *
The S.R. geniuses who volunteer for coal
fatigues so that they can add to the coal
ration by shaking themselves in the coal
bucket when they return ?
                      *  *  *   *  *
The F.S man who asked if the weights
and Measures Inspector had tested the scales
on which the bread ration was publicly weighed ?
                      *   *  *  *  *
The "Tiffy" who sets his alarm clock for
06.00 hours so that he can turn it off, turn
over, and so feel "more at home" till
07.00 hours ?
                        *  *  *  *  *
The ultra-conservative bombardier who
moaned about "new-fangled ideas" when
he put his plate in the cookhouse washtub
and it didn't stand on edge as usual because
someone had absent-mindedly refilled the
tub with clean water ?
                       *   *  *  *  *
The S.R. Cadre Class enthusiast who when
on guard, was heard to challenge a belated
reveller : Advance and give the log tan of 90" ?
                     *   *  *  *  *
The gunner who turned up for guard-
mounting on a bicycle ?
                     *   *  *  *  *
The shy L./Bdr. who is thinking of
saving up for a pram?

   "A  Little  Nonsense"
     Was  Great  Fun

   We may have our weaker moments at
sport, but when it comes to entertain-
ment the Shiny Seventh are without com-
pare. The first Regimental Concert on
March 15th proved to be a variety show
which many a professional house would have
been happy to stage. And, be it known,
production took only one week.

   Gnr. van Flymen was a compére also
without compare for some of his stories ---
but I have it on good authority that the
blue pencil will be decisively used next time.

    Fortune seems assured for 2nd?lieut. de
Peyrecave either as a magician or a pro-
fessional heckler of Victorian melodrama,
though few may have recognised him as the
Cockney interrupter in the sketch "The
Way  Out."

    Probably few also realised what could be
done with a N.A.A.F.I. piano till they heard
R.S.M. P.Thomas play his medleys. The
R.S.M. and Bdr. Turner teamed up again in
piano duets for the first time in 15 years.

   The "Twerps in Tempo," L./Bdr. Clegg
and Gunner Vincent, were among the night's
big successes, but "other ranks" did not
have it all their own way, In another
sketch, "The Management Regrets," Major
Allen, Capt. Masterson, Lieut. Clarke, and
2nd/Lieuts. Dowding and Barlow showed
that they too, could add to the merriment
with a little misunderstanding about a soup
spoon.
                 ENCORE,   F.S.

   The Flash Spotters, who took us behind
the scenes in a battery office and the ser-
geants' mess, should carry on the good work.
In the immortal words of another F.S.man.
"They've got something' there."

    The sketch "A Brief Survey," was
written by L./Bdr. J.A.E.H. White and
Gunner M.D. Solomon. Mr De Peyrecave
was the producer ; the stage was the result
of a week's hard work by the carpenters and
helpers. The wardrobe mistress, of course,
was none other than "Georgina" Webber,
a gunner in F.S.

    Taking part in "Atmospherics" were
Bdr. Langdon, Gnr. M.D.Solomon, Gnr,.
Vincent, Gnr. Helps, and gnr. van Flymen.
"A Brief Survey" was given by L./Bdr.

White, and Gnrs. Hume, Mann, Solomon,
and Hill: and "The Way Out" by Mr. de
Payrecave, L/Bdr. Clegg and Gnrs. Solomon,
van Flymen and Vincent. Gnr. Nixon,
(harmonica) was accompanied by L./Bdr.
Clegg on the piano, and these two also
staged the one-minute sketch "Knock-Knock."

   Afterthought : What happened to the
N.A.A.F.I. beauty chorus, who, we hoped,
would appear?                                 R.A.C.
                        ___________

      THE   TWO  L's.

Leave and letters -- letters and leave:
What dreams around these twain we weave;
Foremost thought in rank and file,
The things that make it all worth while.

Leave and letters -- letters and leave :
Oases in our stern career --
For other pleasures we don't grieve,
But we'd also think it most unkind
If we were left off the LEAVE LIST.
                                           "DOG."
             __________

             "T"    for  T.E.W.T.

Flash Spotters bold are we
(Complete with our own M.T.)
We break new ground
As we dash around
On a T.E.W.T.

Woods Present no problems
(we mark each blinking tree) ;
In mud to our knees
We go where we please
On a T.E.W.T.

On days when weather is cold
We sometimes aren't so bold,
And we'd swap the T.P.
For a nice cup of tea
On a T.E.W.T.

Tripping over grid lines,
Trudging here and there,
But they never catch us
In the wrong map square!
                                        B.

     Sports  Section.
7th Survey Regt. R.A. v  School of Survey.

   This game, at home, March 8th.
opened at a very fast pace which was main-
tained to the finish, the School winning by
the only goal scored. JONES, their inside-
left, scored a snap goal from 25 yards,
B.Q.M.S. KIRKLAND being unsighted.

   The school played the more constructive
football, and the outstanding player on the
field was the right half.
                         __________

REGIMENTAL  RUGBY.
7th Survey Regt. 3 pts. ; School of Survey
                              8 pts.

  Regimental rugby had a new impetus
on Saturday, March 8th, when the 7th
Survey Regiment met the School of Survey,
Larkhill, fifteen on the 7th's ground. The
game was fast and furious from the word
"go," with the School team playing together
and showing a slight advantage, so that at
half-time the score was 3-nil to them.

   The 7th made a magnificent spurt after
half-time, but the School pressed to score
another converted try.  This roused the 7th
to still greater efforts, and CAPT. MAR-
RACK, with the whole pack behind him,
managed to push through to an unconverted
try.

   The 7th learned many lessons from this
first game, although the pace was too fast
to allow for outstanding individual play.
                       _____________

41st Survey Training Regt., 6 pts. :
          7th Survey Regt., 3 pts.

   As the score indicates, the Seventh's
second match of the season, played at home
on Saturday, March 15th, was a close struggle.
It cannot be said that the home team were
unlucky, because during the game the halves
and three-quarters missed several openings
by failing to get the ball away quickly to
their outside men.

   On one of the occasions when the ball
did get in the open, Mr BARLOW grasped
the opportunity to tear down the wing and
fling out to POLLARD, who was brought
down with the ball on the right side of the
line to score the first try of the match.

   The 41st redoubled their efforts after this
set-back, and WILKS broke away easily a
few minutes after half-time to equalise. The
visitors pressed hard and worked well as a

team, and deserved the winning try, placed
by MORGAN just before the final whistle.

   It is to be regretted that, owing to circum-
stances, the Seventh were unable to play
their strongest team, but the game was
clean and fast, and we must not forget to
thank the visitors for a good afternoon's
sport, and to look forward to a return match
in the near  future.
                      ________________

 Sergeants, 1 ; Parker's Construction 5.

The Sergeants' Eleven of the 7th Survey
Regiment were no match for the Parker
team in this game on Saturday, March 15th.
Their fall may be attributed in great measure
to the fact that they had not played together
before as a team.

   Sergeant Brown, at centre-forward, scored
the only goal for his side. It has been sug-
gested that the Garrison Engineer should be
asked for a supply of timber to board up the
Sergeants' goal for the return match !

   Parkers' goals were scored by Evans (3),
Burgess and Chubb.

   Sergeants' :- B.Q.M.S. Kirkland ; Gnr.
Johnson, Gnr Hellawell ; B.S.M. Clough,
Sergt. Chatterton, Sergt. Sutton ; Gnr.
Loughlin, Sergt. Woodman, Sergt. Brown.
Gnr. Gunnell, Sergt. Woodman, Sergt. Brown.
Gnr. Gunnell, Sergt. Twells.

   Parkers :- Hooper ; Breeze, Day, Waters,
Clifford, Elloway ; Burgess, Weeks, Evans,
Chubb, Curtiss.

            WE'D  LIKE  TO KNOW . . .

   If it is true that F.S. Battery are organis-
ing a fund to provide Gnr. Sellars with a
drinking mug ?
                    *  *  *  *  *
   If the inmates of a certain Flash-
Spotters' hut intend to run a talking-in-
your-sleep competition ?
                      *  *  *  *  *
   Whether Gnr. Whyte has decided that
he has qualified for a transfer to the
A.M.P.S.  ?
                   *  *  *  *  *
   What Gnr. Clarke does with the fabulous
sums he saves from time to time by giving
up smoking ? Also. whether the same
gunner had an ulterior motive in introducing
an electric trouser-creaser into his hut ?
                   *  *  *  *  *
   When "Taffy" Jones will be first out
of bed ?

   WE'D LIKE TO KNOW..... Continued.

   Whether anyone can beat Gnr. Mann's
record of having a copy of his local news-
paper sent to him every day ?
                   *  *  *  *  *
   Why L./Bdr. Breckenbridge returned from
leave eight hours before his pass expired ?
              *   *  *  *  *
   Is curried steak in lieu of an extra coal
ration ?
                  *  *  *  *  *
   Why Gnr. Howarth has (or had) a friendly
feeling for Norfolk ?  And why the same
gunner came back from the village one
evening with a far-away look in his eyes ?
                  *  *  *  *  *
   What Gnr. Edwards (S.R.) said when
the hut door came away in his hand on his
return from leave at midnight  ?
                   *  *  *  *  *
   Whether Sgt. Brown is really a noted art
critic "incog." ?
                   *   *  *  *  *
   If Bdr. Griffiths (S.R.) has ever recorded
his  "Rise and Shine" theme song with
variations ?
                     *   *  *  *  *
   Is it a fact that the M.T. Section are trying
to corner all the empty petrol drums to use as
currency if (and when) they get to Abyssinia ?
                     *  *  *  *  *
   If Bdr. Langdon can tell us whether
laughing gas was discovered about the time
of the "1812 Overture" ?
                    *  *  *  *  *
   Why a certain section of the gunners
persist in mistaking the Regimental Institute
for the gymnasium ?
                    *  *  *  *  *
   The identity of the two surveyors in a
certain F.S. hut who give a nightly snoring
duet ?
                  *   *  *  *  *
If Gnr. Wildish is happy in the Service ?
                      _______

         CHATTER - BOX.

You have often been inspected.  Have
you ever wondered what it is like to
be in the inspecting party ?

   Let me tale you behind the scenes on a
Regimental inspection of the cookhouse.
The R.S.M.'s eye lights on a bin of swill.
He takes the lid off, stares unbelievingly and
calls the attention of the Messing Officer,
who takes one look and brings the Major.

   Together they gaze into the bin, discuss
economy and rissoles, and then call the
N.C.O. i/c.  The R.S.M. points to a pie
resting on top of the will. It seems a clear
case of wilful, unnecessary waste, but the
N.C.O. takes one pace forward, takes the
pie smartly between thumb and forefinger
of the left hand and displays a bottomless,
empty shell -- the meat having been eaten, but
somebody had quailed before the pastry.

   Duty is satisfied.  Other ranks are
exonerated. The inspecting party retire to
a quiet corner and enjoy the joke --- the
R.S.M. laughing loudest.
                * * * * *
It was a bitterly cold day, and the gale
whipped round two forlorn gunners
struggling with maps and plane-tables. At
last they were set up and started to fix their
position. Suddenly one shouted: "Hey,
Bill, take your ruddy cap off." "Why."?
asked Bill, "Because," came the startling
reply. "according to my resection we are
in the middle of St Paul's Cathedral."
                    * * * * *
If there is one man in this Regiment
who has a legitimate grouse it is a
certain Flash Spotter who has been having
trouble with his tin hat.

   The one with which he was issued was
so small that for months he was unable to
wear it, but recently, after endless effort,
he persuaded the "Q" to give him one
which fitted. Shortly after this he was on
guard, and when the guard were turned out
somebody -- in the rush -- picked up the
nameless one's hat, leaving him to wear
another, which just managed to sit pre-
cariously on the very top of his head. Certain
very pointed comments by the inspecting
officer did nothing to cheer up the unfor-
tunate F.S. man.
               * * * * *
If you can't dance, the next best thing
to do is to watch the dancers.  You 
will learn a lot.

   At the All-Ranks' Dance at the Regi-
mental Institute on March 8th, for instance,
it was surprising to find how few of those
on the floor could dance the Valeta really
well. Surprising, because gracefulness is the
essence of dancing, and the Valeta --while
wanting perhaps in modern appeal -- lacks
nothing in gracefulness. Yet we doubt if
there were half-a-dozen couples who put up
even a moderately good show.  The others
just fitted their steps to the Rhythm.