Dodgy Dog Insurance - Saved by Marjorie Dawes...
My wife recently gave me an early birthday present. My actual birthday is the 26th August, in case anyone out there is interested. The reason I got this present early quickly became apparent, as (until we learned how to switch it off) it just would not be quiet. The gift I’m referring to is a Marjorie Dawes character mug.

For those of you who are not “in the know”, Marjorie Dawes is a creation of Matt Lucas and a regular on the BBC sketch comedy “Little Britain”. Outspoken and overweight Marjorie runs a small kind of “fat club” for locals in her community, and she is never short on dishing out her childish thoughts and abusive opinions on her clientele. Thanks to a light sensor on the base of my new mug, it graces me with one of these sayings when lifted. Amongst these sayings are: “Screeeeew you!”, “You can eat as much dust as possible, as dust is low fat.” and “I may be fat but youuuuu are something else!”.

So for a time I enjoyed my mug, and having learned to switch it on and off I could get some work done without worrying about being shocked by the sound of Marjorie every time I took a drink. So time passed and I got on with work and life, as you do.

Our Belgian Shepherd dog, Diezel, recently decided to bite rocks for some reason. He damaged one of his front canine and it became discolored. We went to the dog dentist and Diezel was given an xray under anesthetic to further assess the damage. The bill for this ran to a hefty six hundred and seventy pounds. But I didn’t care too much because, fortunately, we took out insurance on Diezel to cover us for such things. So I knew everything would be okay. Or so I thought.

Our insurer, Direct Line, made a complete fiasco of our claim. They did not send us the forms we needed, and when they did send them they sent them to the wrong place. They had to be chased for every action they took with regards to investigating and paying the bill. We were getting well over their “guideline” for resolving the claim and I was beginning to get very frustrated with it all. So, I made what was to be a final phone call to demand that the matter be resolved more swiftly.

The gentleman I spoke to was obviously following the insurer’s agenda - keeping the customer in an infinite loop of forms, contact numbers and forgotten deadlines. So I was back where I started. More forms to fill out, more phone calls to the vet, more time spent faffing about the money due me earned money in their account. And just as the customer care representative was telling me how I’d have to wait another month before anything was done I took a sip of coffee to calm my nerves.

“Screeeewww You!” Marjorie exclaimed, at full volume. The cup was an inch from the phone and the digitized voice was so loud it was impossible not to have heard it. I didn’t know what to say, as Marjorie had actually said what was on my mind but what I would never have said.

There was a queer silence, then the customer care representative made his closing statements to end the telephone call. I was still silent in embarrassment, but I couldn’t help but note that the voice on the other end of the phone sounded apologetic. I finished the call and told my wife about the mug. We both laughed.

That afternoon I received a phone call from our local vet (Links in Haddington). They told me they were acting on the instructions of Direct Line, who’d contacted them to pay my outstanding bill in full. They informed me that Direct Line requested they get in touch to tell me that everything was now resolved.

I don’t know what the moral of this story is, but whenever I am getting a hard time from some big business or insurer I will keep my Marjorie mug primed and ready just in case.