The Maldon Angling Society Jokes

Fishing Rules
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you. Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him truthful.
Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were having a great day catching fish. The first blonde said "This is such a great spot, we need to mark it so we can come back." The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat. The first blonde asked "What are you doing?" The second blonde replied "Marking the spot." The first blonde countered "But what if we don't get the same boat?"
The Three Blonds and the Mermaid
Three blondes were fishing when they came upon a mermaid. The mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisher said: "double my I.Q." so the mermaid did it and to her surprise she started reciting Shakespeare. Then the second fisher said: "triple my I.Q." and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly she started doing math problems she didn't know existed. The third fisher was so impressed she asked the mermaid to quadruple her I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" The fisher said "yes" so the mermaid turned her into a man!
10 Reasons why Boats are better than Women
You can look at other boats without worrying about getting caught. You can own more than one boat at a time. The more guys on your boat the better. You are allowed to drive someone else's boat. When your boat gets old and run down, you can buy a new boat. If your boat is too big, you can trade it for a sleeker model. You don't have to wonder who was driving your boat before you. Tying two or more boats together is not seen as kinky. You can leave your boat alone for two weeks and not hear a single word about being "neglected." Priming the engine only takes three squeezes.
Why fishing is better than making love:
When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad. Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither. And don't want to know how many other fish you caught. In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught. You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie, and promise to still be friends after you let it go. You don't necessarily have to change your line to keep catching fish. You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum. Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, "Only a little while." The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?" The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs." The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life." The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise." The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years." "But what then?" asked the Mexican. The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions." "Millions?... Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
Two brothers are out for the day in their tin boat. The first one hooks into a big one, fights it for a half hour or so and when the fish finally tires he brings it to the boat. It is the drop-dead oddest fish they have ever seen. Before they can drop it into the cooler the fish says, "I'm an enchanted fish and if you'll let me go I'll grant your any wish." Well the boys are a bit skeptical but they decide he's too ugly to eat so they drop the fish over the gunnel. Looking up from the lake, the fish says "OK, what will it be???" Before having time to think the first brother says, "All right, turn the lake into Budweiser!" Before you know it POOF! The lake turns into a foaming vat of beer. "Now why did you go and do a damn fool thing like that" the other brother says, "Now we'll have to pee in the boat!!!!"
The difference between a fairy tale and a fish story is a fairy tail begins, "Once upon a time..." and a fish story begins, " This ain't no bullshit..."
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man." As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
A couple of young guys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the the Bailiff! Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods and hot on his heels came the Bailiff. After about a half mile, the guy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Bailiff finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin license, boy!" the Bailiff gasped. With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the Bailiff a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Bailiff, "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes sir," replied the young feller. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..."
One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, and he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. "What a terrible weather today, honey." he said to her. "Yes. And my idiot went fishing!"
Q: What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? A: The Codfather