A Social Skills List        
(from a mom’s perspective)

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Almost every part of daily life has a social side, but for kids with Asperger's Syndrome, the social stuff often goes over their heads. From raising my own son, I’ve learned that children with Asperger's Syndrome learn intellectually rather than intuitively. Conscious and helpful teaching is key—not just role modeling or subtle hints, either. They need concrete information, explanations, and practice.

Just what IS a social skill? This is a touchy-feely area to me, that spreads into areas of general knowledge, etiquette, safety, health, and more. Furthermore, success in social skills requires not only language pragmatics, but also, in some cases, motor skills and sensory issues. I guess it’s whatever folks need to get along in today’s society. The problem is, since social skills come naturally to most people, sometimes it’s hard for non-Asperger adults to translate what they know intuitively into something they can teach intellectually. It’s even hard to recognize what areas our kids are having trouble with. We often assume they know how to do something, until we really look and discover they don’t!

The items below, therefore, list some possible problem areas to think about. It’s not complete, and what’s difficult for one child may be easy for the next. Make adjustments – add, delete, expand. This is merely an idea-starter.

As for how to use the list, it’s up to you. Maybe it will be useful in one of these ways:

1. Homeschooling: Use it to help you include social skills goals in your homeschooling day.

2. Mainstream school: Use it informally, to help improve the teacher’s understanding of, or relationship with, your child.

• Use it for more formally, to help you justify special services.
• Use it as a memory jog, to help you write concrete goals into school contracts (Statement of Special Educational Needs / (IEP) in the U.S.).

3. As a parent:

• Use it in dealing with specialists. A Speech and Language Therapist (SLT) or other professional might be involved (by the school or yourself) to work on social issues. This person might have no specific experience with Asperger Syndrome and may ask you for input. You may want to compare the therapist’s goals with what YOU feel your child needs. If a particular curriculum is recommended, you can compare it with your own list.
• Use this list at home to boost your parenting skills. The list will remind you of the challenges your child has, and may help improve your patience and maintain a more positive rather than punitive approach. Also, MOST of the items on this list are "life skill" sorts of issues and often the BEST place to teach them is at home. You don’t have to wait for the school to come up with a program, just jump in. At home, you have the advantage of a safe, secure environment, and lots of opportunities for practice.
• Keep the same list of skills at school and at home. The skills will be reinforced and you and the school will be on the same wavelength and can compare notes and work as a team.

4. In the community:

• Working with either the schools or a local Asperger/Autism support group, you may want to develop a social skills "club" where kids can practice their social skills. Use this list to help you organize activities.

One final note: It’s easy (but a trap!) to turn social skill goals into a negative checklist of behaviors to be corrected. Don’t fall for this. The idea is NOT to make life easier for the parent, the idea is to make life easier for the child. That is why the emphasis should be on explaining, teaching, and practicing, NOT criticizing, ridiculing or blindly correcting. It’s important to TEACH and to make it fun, helpful, and non-threatening. Use games, charades, jokes, cartoons, movies, story books, field trips, or whatever else works, so that the child will grow while feeling successful (not incompetent!). Okay, here (finally) is the list!

THE LIST – Some Social Issues

What is a friend? NOT a friend?

• Do they give things to you? Share with you?
• Do they take turns with you? Offer to help you? Walk with you?
• Do they make fun of you? Hurt you?
• Do they try to make you do things that get you in trouble?
• Do they take things from you?

Making a Friend

• Making a friendly face - what does it look like? How do we sit if we want to make friends? Making friendly conversation
• What topics might be good for friendly conversation?
• How do we find someone who might want to be friends?

Making Conversation

• What are some nice greetings?
• What are some nice topics to talk about?
• What happens if the other person doesn't want to talk about our topic?
• What is a nice way to end a conversation?
• Eye contact - why do we look at people when we're having a conversation?
• Conversational turn-taking - how long do you talk? (passing around a conversational ball or talking stick shows turn-taking)
• How do you change a subject?
• What things are NOT okay to talk about?

Being in a Group

• Team work - what is a team? Can everybody be in charge?
• What can you do if everyone has a different idea on what to do?
• (Vote, take turns deciding, do each thing for a little while, ask a teacher)
• What should we do if we want to join into a group. Should we try to lead the group right away?
• Playing fair, playing by rules, making up new rules, taking turns, playing board games
• Working cooperatively. Building something together, making sure everyone participates.

Winning and Losing

• Learning to Lose - learning to say '"Good game!" and "Better luck next time."
• Learning to Win – learning to say ‘You played well" and "Thanks for the great game."
• Shaking hands, thumbs up, patting someone on the back.

Ownership Respecting people's things.

• Who owns it? If you find it, is it yours?
• Asking to borrow something. How long can you keep it?
• Returning something you borrowed.
• Asking someone else to bring something back.

 Voices Indoor voices and outdoor voices.

• How to whisper. When to whisper.

Body Space

• Hugs - too tight? should you ask first?
• Whom may you hug? The mailman? A stranger? A baby? Your grandma?
• How long do we hug?
• Who might hug you?
• What are some occasions when you might hug or be hugged?
• Will you always be warned?

Emotions

• Identifying people's emotions
• What does happy look like? Angry? Surprised? Afraid? Confused? Embarrassed? Excited? Worried? Sad? Proud? Startled? etc.
• What might make a person feel each of the above ways?
• Make each of those faces.
• See someone else make a face and guess the emotion.

Lying

• What is lying? Fact versus opinion. Ex. If someone says the cookie tastes good, and you taste it and it doesn’t, was that person lying?
• White lies?
• If someone is wrong, are they lying?
• If someone changes their mind, is that lying?
• If someone makes up a silly ghost story, is that lying?
• Pretend play - fantasy versus being real.

Things that Upset Us: 

• Changing Situations
• Weather – it might rain on our picnic.
• Minds – a friend might decide he doesn’t want to play space monsters anymore.
• Plans – we wanted to go see a special movie, but the theatre isn’t showing it anymore.
• Having to stop something fun

Waiting

• Waiting in line – where might we have to wait in line? (grocery store, movies, amusement parks)
• Where else might we have to wait in line?
• What can we do about it in each case? Anything?
• Will getting upset help?
• What WILL help us to wait?
• Waiting for something to occur – a birthday, Saturday, fishing season, the pool to open for the summer. What else might we have to wait for?

Handling Upset

• Anger - what does it look and feel like?
• Using words instead of actions. What words? Expressing anger, asking for help
• Calming techniques – slow breathing; counting to ten; taking a walk; going someplace quiet.

Being lost

• Lost - in a store? at school? in the neighborhood?
• Does it happen very often?
• How can we keep from getting lost?
• What should we do if we do become lost? Or if our parents become lost?
•  Losing Something: What are some things that might we lose?
• What are things we can do to prevent it? (keep money in pocket, don’t play with it, for ex.)

Money

• Money - how do we know what something costs?
• What do we do if we don't have enough money for something?
• Should we give people money if they ask for it?
• Should we pay people to be our friends?
• Tipping – what is it? Who decides how much to give? Do we talk about it in front of the waitress?

 Clothes

• Dressing for the weather
• Why do we change clothes every day?

Fire and Smoke

• Fire alarm rings? What does it sound like? What does it mean? When will it stop?
• What should we do?
• Smoke alarm? (same questions)

Being on the bus

• Do we sit or stand? Talk to driver? Open windows? Throw things out?
• What happens if the bus doesn’t turn on the road we think he should?
• Why does a bus just sit there and wait sometimes?

Public bathrooms

• What might be different from your home bathroom?
• Why is it extra noisy?
• Why so many toilets? Why hand dryers?
• Why does it smell different? Especially good or bad?

Ordering Food

• So many choices!
• Small, medium, large, what might be asked
• What if they do not have what you order?
• What if you want a burger but it’s still breakfast time? Why won’t they give you the burger?
• Making Choices (flavors of ice-cream, which dessert)
• There is no wrong answer. A choice means any answer is good.
• If we choose one, we can’t have the other – but next time we can change our choice.
• Making choices. what if we choose vanilla? chocolate? what if they don't have the one we want? what if we don't like what we choose?

Special Places

• Movies(Cinema): loud. dark. scary or long, funny or sad. Toilets. Treats. Sitting still. Whispering. What if the movie is too long or too scary or too loud. What can we do?
• Bowling: rules, safety, noises, smell, different shoes.
• Swimming: changing clothes, sun lotion. who the lifeguard is, safety.
• Shopping: trolleys, holding hands, what you can touch
• Museums: staying behind ropes. look, don't touch.
• Video shop: going to a video shop
• Library: whisper, walk, so many choices! How to find a particular book, what if they don’t have it?
• Doctor's surgery: should we be scared? What to do during a very long wait.
• Park: safety, trying new things, taking turns, being brave; taking a rest
• Fences, gates, boundaries- what they are for.
• A friend’s house: what rooms are okay, asking for drinks, opening cupboards, trying out toys, etc.

Hygiene

• Nose blowing – how to do it? Practice.
• Sneezing/Coughing – cover the mouth.
• Washing – proper way to wash. Why we wash.

Phone skills

• Calling someone – greeting, identifying oneself, asking for someone, thanking them.
• Leaving a message
• Answering the phone -- only if mum or dad wants us to, how to answer, how to take down a message

Empathy/Theory of Mind - how to figure out what someone feels.

• Theory of mind - what does that other person know? Did they see the same film you did? When you started talking about "him," did you tell the other person who that "him" was?
• Tell who, where, what, when, etc.

Understanding Expressions

• hop to it, shake a leg, rightside up, burn your bridge, cry over spilled milk, walking in someone’s shoes, etc. So many of these!

Food Issues

• Table manners
• Taking too much. How much is okay? Can you ask for seconds?
• Putting more than one thing on a plate at a time
• Keeping things on the plate.
• Using the napkin.
• Practice with fork, knife, spoon. Cutting things or asking for help.
• Playing with food.
• How do you let people know that you are full or do not want any more or don’t like something?
• Saying nice things about dinner.
• What can we do at the table? (sing? crawl under it? throw things? talk? tell jokes?)

Cars

• Seatbelts
• Car Park safety
• Crossing the street, traffic lights, noisy trucks, car horns
• Sounds and smells

Dealing with Special People

• Babies -Should we pick them up? Give them things? Throw them a ball? Push the pram?
• Old people-Should we jump on them? Tell them they look old?
• What kinds of things are good to do around older people? (talking, drawing, playing a game)

Dealing with Animals - Dogs and other pets-

• Will they bite?
• Do you tease them?
• Take their things?
• Feed them?
• How to treat them.

Elevators (Lifts), Escalators

• Elevators (Lifts)- Is it safe?
• How long? Which buttons?
• will the doors squish us?
• Escalators-Is it safe?
• How do we get on and off?
• Will it speed up?

Special Occasions

• Birthdays - someone else's? our own?
• Christmas or other holidays - special events, noise, what to expect

Body movements

• Going through a door politely? (without slamming it on someone)
• Shaking hands
• Pointing a finger. When is okay to do it? At things, not people.
• Following a pointing finger.

Mistakes

• Is it okay to make mistakes?
• Should we laugh at someone's mistake?
• What if someone laughs at our mistake? What if it really IS funny?
• Is it okay to not be good at something? To try new things?
• Is it okay to ask how to do something, or to say "I don’t know how."?

In some ways, everything seems like a social skill, so it’s easy for this list to get out of hand. Still, I hope it’s been helpful for you to see what one parent thinks of in the area of social skills.

Best of luck in coming up with your own list. Lise Pyles

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