ISMS Proverbials & Shaggy Dogs There may be lessons for all of us in these stories: A group of Grand Master chess players checked into a hotel and, while waiting for dinner, stood around in the lobby bragging about their recent tournament victories. This went on for about an hour until the manager stormed out of the office and ordered them to disperse. "But why?", they asked. "Because," he roared "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." * * * * * The head cashier of the local branch of Noreast Bank, a Miss Patricia Wax (known to her friends as Patty), was surprised one day to see a small green frog walk up to her counter. "Good morning" said the frog "I'd like to take out a loan of £30,000, please." "One moment, sir" said Patty "Can I have your name please?" "Certainly" said the frog "I'm Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger." "Oh yes!" said Patty, in a slightly concerned manner "And what will you be putting up as collateral against the loan?" "I'll leave this small, china statue of the leaning tower of Pisa" "Please wait one moment, sir" said Patty "I'll need to check this with the manager." With that said, she went off to see the manager, Mr Martin, to obtain his views on the proposed loan. "Mr Martin, sir." she said "There's a small green frog outside who claims to be a son of Mick Jagger and is asking for a loan of £30,000 with this china ornament as collateral. What do you think?" The manager was furious at her incompetence and shouted in a very abrupt manner, "It's a knick knack, Patty Wax, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!" * * * * After a heavy day's digging at an archeological site in Norway, scientists uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god. It was a wondrous piece of sculpture: flowing beard, bulging muscles, an imposing stance and of course his famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his noble-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glistened in the bright northern sunlight. Of course, each of the two leading archeologists on the dig were determined to ensure that it was their name alone that was listed against the discovery and that they should claim the priceless rubies. Consequently, an argument began building to the point where the rest of the team, despite being exhausted after a day's hard work, gathered round to watch. The two archeologists continued squabbling, and then fighting, for some time and provided the others with a source of great entertainment for the evening. By the time the fight was finally over and the two protagonists had called a truce and agreed to share the spoils, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed and rejuvenated by the experience. As the crowd dispersed, one chap turned to his friend, and said: "Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes, wasn't it?" * * *  Is it worth relating that great Norse epic poem at this point: The Thunder god rode of to war upon his favourite filly, "I'm Thor!", he cried his horse replied,  "coth you forgot your thaddle, thilly!" (no probably not) * * * * After many years of courtship, Robin Hood and the Maid Marion eventually married and lived together in Sherwood Forest. There they raised a son, Robert, of whom they were both very proud. As young Robert became older - about five or six - he was keen to explore the forest and discover what lay in and around the merry men's camp. As a caring parent, Robin Hood was keen to ensure that young Robert should not be allowed to get lost in the dense greenery around the camp and so he made for young Robert a small hunting horn, carved from an old oak tree branch. Robin told young Robert that if he ever became lost in the forest he should blow on the horn to summon help. Robert spent many days learning how to blow the horn and it was during this time that the wood around the mouthpiece gradually became wet and soggy and, not unnaturally, some of the resin and bark particles began to enter Robert's mouth and into his blood stream. After a few days young Robert became very ill, with violent shooting pains and stomach cramps to the point where he was almost dying. Robin asked Friar Tuck to use his medical skills to examine the boy and establish what was causing the illness. After only minutes of examination the Friar announced that it was obvious what has caused the illness because, as he said, "Every one knows that great aches from little oak horns grow." * * * * Dundee United were due to meet Arbroath in the Scottish Cup Final. Two Dundee United supporters who were studying for a degree in medicine at the local university were concerned that, based on recent form, Arbroath would walk all over their Dundee team. So, the night before the big game they broke into the changing room that would be used by the Arbroath team during the following day's big match. They injected a clear liquid chemical substance of their own devising into the water of the water cooler that stood in the Arbroath changing room and also into the player's water bottles that would be used throughout the game; they then beat a hasty retreat. At the end of the ninety minutes of the following day's soccer match, Arbroath had played extremely poorly throughout - no energy and glazed expressions on tired, sad faces - and they had been soundly beaten 8-0. Dundee United were proclaimed cup winners and the two students were over the moon that their cunning plan had worked. However, the students had not realised that the previous night's raid had been caught on CCTV and that those pictures had been compared with CCTV footage of every fan that entered the ground to watch the cup match. The two had been identified by security staff during the second half and then arrested after the game. They were taken away to the police station and charged. The local evening newspaper reported "Two medic crooks spoil Arbroath!" * * * * Bill and John were two rival canoeists at the local sailing club. Every time that Bill upgraded his canoe with the latest 'go faster' or safety device then so too did John. For example, Bill added two coats of speed wax to reduce water friction so John added three coats and a special Teflon varnish. To improve speed through the water, Bill re-engineered the angle of his paddle blades using a very complex mathematical formula so John changed his paddle design using CAD. The final blow came when Bill added a solar panels to his wet suit to help retain body heat during winter training. John, as always, had to go one better and installed a full solar powered central heating system inside his canoe. However, the heating system was way over the top and far too heavy for such a small and light vessel and on its first trial run the canoe, with John inside it, sank slowing under the waves. Which only goes to prove: you can't always have your kayak and heat it! * * * *      During the 19th century in deepest, darkest Africa a local tribal warlord, Alkan the Lion of Heckawy, eventually and after years of bloody battles, conquered his greatest rival and took over his village, his people and his belongings and, in the process, burned and looted many of the village's thatched huts. Alkan declared himself Ruler of the Plains and announced plans for his immediate enthronement. The people of the surrounding villages spent many days preparing the site of the coronation with flowers, animal skins, drums of all shapes and sizes and, taking the centre stage, an enormous carved wooden throne. The throne had been a prized possession of the recently conquered village, but during the long war years it had been hidden away for safe keeping, along with other village treasure, in a dark, damp cave. On the day of the coronation the great Alkan walked majestically along the petal-strewn path towards the throne, the local villagers cheering to order under threat of death. As he reached the dais he turned, gave a brief acknowledgement to the crowd and proudly sat on his large wooden throne. At this point the throne creaked, groaned and smashed into a hundred jagged pieces, the largest of which came from one of the back legs and pierced Alkan's body from below causing much watering of the eyes and a swift passage to death. As the village elders pondered this shocking turn of events, one old and wise sage was heard to say "I've always maintained that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!" * * * * If you have any wisdom to impart, let us know by email.

© Copyright ISMS 1973-2005