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outclassed at last

Well the big UK singlespeed race kicked off this weekend at Cheddar courtesy of those nice people at Broadway house. Here's the lowdown for those who can't wait for the full gory details and even gorier pictures to appear in The Outcast #6. Which will be issued just after we leave the country and go into hiding...

party!

The highlight of the weekend and what you really want to know about was the partying. Well I'm afraid we're as much use to you there as the proverbial chocolate fireguard, because we got totally trolleyed and either can't remember or are choosing to forget. We have vague recollections of the RAF boys dressed as Mrs Pepperpot, The Elvises, and a man quite literally hung like a horse. There was some face sucking, some semi nakedness, the drinks stamps were put to interesting uses and we can reveal that Scotsmen really do have the palest arses on earth.

We have a whole roll of film to develop with no idea what's on there. We have a nasty feeling we're going to have to use a pseudonym down at the developers...

Unfortunately we can remember the aftermath. We woke up wearing clothes we don't remember owning and with Outcast stickers in the strangest places. One of those days when you wake up and everything hurts and you just know things are going to get worse. Still, we didn't have it as bad as Chris from Glasgow who attempted to ride the Dual course sometime around 1am and 13 pints and failed to make it round the first bend. It was one of those crashes which leaves debris trapped between tyre and rim, breaks your helmet and makes lots of blood. Top effort that man.

brighton bike babes get top spot

With the competition either wimping out or pulling out Maria Bowers of Brighton Bike Babes recovered well from the best Cheddar hangover we've ever seen to take first place in the womens race.

Congratulations champ :-)

we were wrong! Paul Lazenby claimed top spot at Cheddar after only being held back for 2 minutes instead of the 10 after not drinking his five pint quota on Saturday night. We were a little harsh on Paul for racing a lashed up one-speed seeing as Adrian from Marin managed to put together a bona-fide one-speed last year. We even went so far as to suggest that the title was just another notch on the bed post so to speak. And then what happens. Today we get Pauls response to winning the race and not for the first time we were wrong, we opened our big mouths and inserted both feet. So we're sorry, but at the same time we're glad that Paul had such a great time. Here's what he had to say... "Hey how cool is the single speed racing. I'm hooked. I'm going to try and build a super light weight single next year." "I'm addicted after only one hit, this is where the fun has gone to, this is what MTB racing use to be like." OK, so he nearly blows it and goes on to mention training but we're off to cook ourselves a large portion of humble pie...

beaten The 32sixteen editor was well and truly scuppered in his bid to become slowest Singlespeeder in Europe. Thinking that a lack of traiing would be enough to gain last place with some ease he foolishly left the BOB trailer at home. Like all the best attacks there was no warning. While all those who made idle threats about being last gave way to racing instinct as soon the - frankly fucking huge - fireworks signalled the start of the race it became clear that there were people racing who were genuinely crap and/or unfit. Big respect to the dirt jumper who only entered the night before as the result of a whip round in the bar. We caught up with him halfway up the first (only) climb, having a fag and chilling with the marshalls. Maybe the cut off denim jacket and big shorts weren't the best choice of outfit, but we liked his attitude, his style, and his Sunday morning choice of music that drifted across the campsite. From that moment the ed. knew that last place was a goner, and he was going to have to settle for the anonymity of penultimate place. Or so he thought... Not far up the climb we caught up with the Mariano brothers, all the way from the Philipines. First time racers with their shifters taped up these boys grinned their way through two laps but as soon as the ed. caught them up he knew that even penultimate place was out of reach. All plans for claiming slowest Singlespeeder in the World in May are now in tatters...

chilli peppers

Who was that man racing across the line in Chilli Peppers stylee. Could it be Team Rock Shox Socks On Cocks?

Brant Richards was surprised to come across a white arse winking at him as he rode to the top of Devils Drop for the last time, and even more alarmed when the man turned round. How could Brant know the man was just massaging himself back to life so the sock would stay put? Hey - it as cold.

Remember kids, streaking is not big and it's not clever. And neither was, er, I think you get the idea.

any more?

Any Cheddar stories of your own. Send them to The Outcast at chipps@yesweareontheweb.com.