Suicide

Alternative title: - "Guitars to The Stars (The other side of the Screwdriver)"

Suicide, anybody?

A subject close to my heart. In 1998, I was at an all time low. Suddenly, as described in my Talk Radio story, I had descended from the status of internationally sought-after guitar technician and a radio voice known to millions, with a very comfortable lifestyle, to nothing but nothing. No business, no wife, no proper home and most importantly, no dogs.

Most suicide stories are, quite naturally, not funny but mine is just that. Bleedin' hilarious.

For a couple of years, we had been treated to the completely talentless and moronic Spice Girls. These insults to all things tasteful in terms of integity, music and entertainment had been foisted upon us all by a mindless and greedy, commercially-driven pop music business and it was a thoroughly embarrassing episode for all hard-working musicians everywhere. Merely admitting to being English was painful. A bit like the case of the truly awful "band", Oasis. Pointless anger lingered interminably in my damaged psyche and I was, let's say, pretty fed up with the world in general.

I was seriously alcoholic, very depressed and friendless, living on my own in a "studio flat" in Tunbridge Wells. As mentioned, elsewhere, my "home" was opposite a meat pie factory and if I left the window open, "the smell of Sunday Lunch" was all pervasive. I tried to work there and lasted four night shifts, up to my armpits in dead animal parts. It couldn't and didn't last.

I had fallen into the habit of knocking myself out with alcohol to avoid the unpleasantness of reality. B.B.C. Radio 4 was my best trusted friend and companion; the radio was always on and I always slept with it playing in the background. Around the end of March 1998, I had already spent some time in psychiatric care at Pembury and had been released with a package of "chemical cosh" drugs intended to diminish the depression. The most powerful of these concoctions was "Seroxat", infamous for turning Americans, in particular, into axe-murderers when in withdrawal from it.

One day, having completely lost touch with what day, date or time it was, I awoke to the sound of a Radio 4 "news story". The tale went along the lines of: - the people who had made the film "Titanic" and had such great success with it, were now casting around for an idea for a follow-up project. They had decided, finally after much head-scratching, to settle on "Telly Tubbies" - The Movie.

This was the last straw. How could this possibly be? As far as I was concerned, we had obviously reached the end of meaningful civilization and at that point I took the decision to "end it all". My chosen method was to drink three bottles of strong spirits, take every tablet of medication in the house and go to sleep with a black rubbish bag over my head, hoping to suffocate in my sleep.

It should have worked. It didn't (obviously). When I woke up, in terrible pain, I discovered that the date was April 1st - the "news report" had been an April Fool's joke. A spoof. Fooled me, good and proper. This was followed by another spell in Pembury nut-house, after which I reached the decision to make a fresh start elsewhere. My ill-conceived and unworkable plan was to sell everything and move the Nashville Tennessee with just a guitar. Of course, I would not have been able to get a work or residency permit but I wasn't thinking exactly straight.

The master plan was to take a holiday in Ireland first, having been so impressed with the place in 1993. When I arrived at Pembroke Dock, I discovered that it would cost several hundred quid to take my car there (my previous visit had been free because my then wife had concessions in the ferry business). I could not leave my car and possessions on the dock side, to travel as a foot passenger so phoned a Welsh friend back in Kent to ask what I should do.

Her reply was that I should "turn right" at the coast and drive North up the Welsh coast, where I would be assured of beautiful scenery (true) and a warm welcome from the Welsh people (also very true). And here I am still.

Alternative title: - "Guitars to The Stars" & "The other side of the Screwdriver".

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