Adult Jokes
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the
auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:
"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,
"See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!"
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune
with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"
I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big
unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take, so I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where
she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of
a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't
even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to
the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen
her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a
Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.
A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them.
He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"
"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.
"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on
Saturday and had not been seen for five days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the shit out
of my ducks!"
