*****
Monday: A rehearsal room somewhere on the outskirts of Helsinki...

*

"Sorry I'm late. The bus didn't come."

**

Tuesday: A rehearsal room somewhere on the outskirts of Helsinki...

*

"Sorry I'm late. The...."

"Yeah, yeah."

***

Wednesday: A rehearsal room somewhere on the outskirts of Helsinki...

*

"Sorry!"

"I've had enough of this." Eicca glared at Perttu as he arrived, breathless, for the third time that week.

"It's not my fault you have rehearsals in the middle of nowhere." Perttu's lip started to project.

"Don't even think about pouting. It's cheap."

"Pouting's cheap?"

"No! The rooms are cheap."

"What's wrong with your place... no - you live even more out of the way - my place, even."

Eicca thought about Perttu's place. "I think not."

"What's wrong with my place?"

Paavo snorted with laughter. "What's not wrong with it?"

A lowering of dark brows.

"He's glaring," Eicca commented.

"I noticed." Paavo nodded.

"Shall we start panicking?"

Paavo thought about it for a moment. "Maybe start panicking when he gets his bow out?"

"Okay." Eicca grinned.

"Stop talking about me as if I'm not here!"

"Who said that."

"You're so funny."

"I know. It's part of my charm."

So far, the fourth person present had stayed quiet and watched the repartee between the three band-mates. Finally he spoke up. "If you're so upset about Perttu being late, why don't one of you teach him to drive?"

Paavo looked at Antero.

Eicca looked at Antero.

Perttu thought about looking at Antero, but decided it wasn't worth it. He'd only get an eyeful of sunglasses anyway because Antero was cool like that.

Instead he got his bow out and said three words that instantly sent his friends into a complete panic.

"I'd like that."

***

"It was your idea!"

"But my car's brand new..."

"You suggested it. You teach him!"

"But..."

Paavo waited for a long moment, then gently disentangled Eicca's hands from the front of Antero's jacket. "Strangling him won't solve anything."

"He can leave his car to Perttu in his will."

Perttu snickered but stayed out of the argument. Instead, he checked the tuning of his cello, tightened his bow, wiped the strings, polished rosin dust from the body, all the while letting the... uh... discussion go on around him.

"Let's draw straws."

"Where am I going to find straws?"

"Matches, then."

Everyone looked at Perttu. He held up his cigarette lighter. "I don't have any matches."

"GRRRR!"

"Perttu? did you have to bring Pulkku with you?"

"Sorry." Perttu ordered his dog out of the room.

"What can we draw?"

"I'll write on this paper..." Eicca ripped up some bits of paper from his notes and jotted down something on one, then folded the three pieces of paper up. "Whoever gets it, has to do it."

Perttu rolled his eyes. "You crash one lousy motorbike..." he muttered.

Eicca held out his hand with the three screwed up pieces of paper. "Choose one."

Antero picked one out. Paavo did the same. Eicca kept the third. As one they all unfolded and looked at their paper.

"Vittu!"

Paavo raised a brow at Antero. "What did he write?" he asked as Antero swore some more.

"Say your prayers, Ana." Antero scowled. "You fixed it."

"You bet I did." Eicca laughed.

"That's not fair."

"Nope."

Antero glared. Eicca glared back. Paavo decided to join Perttu in readying his instrument.

"Why don't we all just club together and buy him some driving lessons?" Antero said at last.

"Coward."

"I 'like' my car!"

"It's a very nice car," Paavo agreed.

"Brand new," Eicca added.

"And you keep it so clean and tidy." Paavo nodded.

"But it's a Lada," Eicca said flatly.

"It's a NEW Lada!" Antero replied crossly.

"Is there such a thing?" Paavo smirked.

"If it's good enough for agent APO1, then it's good enough for me!" Antero said pointedly.

Paavo blushed.

Perttu finally spoke up. "Antero. You're the best one to teach me. You're so cool and you never lose your temper... and I'll be really careful!" He smiled in that 'maniac murderer' kind of way - the last look on his face most of his cellos ever saw before being smashed to matchwood.

Antero's heart sank when he saw that smile. He offered a silent goodbye to his car and made a mental note to up his insurance premium.

***

"What's that for?" Perttu watched with interest as Antero fixed a white triangle to the back of his car.

"To tell everyone you're learning," Antero said.

"To tell them the roads aren't safe," Eicca said.

"To tell them to watch out on the pavements," Paavo added.

Perttu folded his arms. "That's not funny. I can't be that bad. No one's THAT bad."

Antero shuddered. "We'll see," he said ominously.

Eicca and Paavo fought the urge not to snigger as Antero, with the look of a man going to the slaughter, told Perttu to get into the drivers seat.

Once in the car, Antero told Perttu to put his seatbelt on. "I'm going to point out all the parts of a car you need to know," he said. "This is the gear shift."

"Gear shift..." Perttu repeated dutifully.

"That's the clutch... there's the brake and next to it is the accelerator."

"Clutch, brake, accelerator." Perttu frowned.

"The clutch lets you go into gear. The accelerator makes you go faster and the brake is to stop you from breaking things - especially my car," Antero said severely.

"I know what a brake is!" Perttu pouted.

"Do you? So why didn't you use it on that motorbike?" Antero asked pointedly.

Perttu went red and put a hand to his jaw. "I forgot."

Antero took a deep breath. "Listen, Kivilaakso. It might only be a Lada, but it's mine and it's new and there's not a single mark on it. I want to keep it that way. If you so much as scratch the paintwork, I'll.. I'll..." he couldn't think of anything nasty enough, so faded off into silence and pointed at the ignition key. "Put your foot on the brake and turn that.... not THAT way... Vittu..."

The car grinded to life then jumped forward.

"FOOT ON BRAKE!"

"I am."

"That's the accelerator."

"Oops."

Antero shuddered. "Maybe we'll just go around the field a few times."

"That field?"

"Yes."

"The field with the ditch?"

"Yes."

"The field where I had my accident."

"Um..." Antero wondered, not for the first time, why he'd been lumbered with this job. "Yes. That field."

Eicca and Paavo watched with some amusement as the car spluttered, jumped then the engine died.

Paavo looked at Eicca. "You're a cruel bastard, you know," he said.

Eicca just grinned. "It's worth it to see Antero lose his cool."

Paavo shook his head sadly as the engine was restarted, hopped forward again, then the vile sound of gears grating into place came to his ears. "I don't think that's all he's going to lose." He winced.

With a fat grin, Eicca shrugged. "It's only a Lada."

**********

Paavo and Eicca watched as the car drove round and around the field.

"We've been here before," Paavo said, listening to the strain of an engine stuck in first gear, the occasionally grating as Perttu attempted to change to second gear.

Every time he caught a glimpse of Antero, he could see that his hands were over his eyes.

And he could hear shouting.

Perttu sat forward, nose pressed to the wind-shield, grimly holding on for dear life.

Then the car finally went into second gear. Beside Paavo, Eicca's shoulders climbed down from his ears and he stopped wincing.

"He's getting the hang of it," Paavo remarked.

"I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. He'll want to go out onto the road next," Eicca sighed.

Sure enough, the car came to a juddering halt. A moment later, Antero staggered from the passenger seat, looking decidedly green. He went round to the driver's side, opened the door and tugged on Perttu's arm.

"Get out!"

"But..."

"Get out of my car. If you think I'm leaving you alone in that car while I recover from all that circling, you've got another think coming." Antero screamed.

Eicca and Paavo looked at each other. Antero certainly did not look C0^0L.

"Anything wrong?" Eicca asked mildly as both men walked up to the swearing, shouting Antero.

Antero said nothing. Just took off his glasses and held them up to the light. One of the circles of dark glass was smashed.

"How did he do that?" Paavo asked.

"HE didn't. I did." Antero started to calm down.

"No wonder he's losing it." Eicca nodded to Paavo. "Antero is nothing without his glasses."

"And he has a Lada." Paavo sniggered.

Antero drew himself up to his full height, glared at Eicca and Paavo and, with all the dignity he could muster, spat out. "It's a NEW Lada!"

As he stalked off, first grabbing the keys from a confused Perttu, Paavo sniggered harder.

"No such thing!" he called.

And Antero tossed back a particularly vile insult, suggesting exactly what Paavo could do with his Lada, Perttu shook his head and tutted, seemingly unruffled by his attempt to go motor.

"You know..." he said quietly, with a small, cheeky grin. "I worry about that boy."

**********

(The next day)

Antero groaned. "Do I HAVE to?"

"Yes," Eicca said firmly, snatching Antero's cello out of his hand and throwing him the car keys. "You said you'd do it."

Antero glanced at Perttu who was doing his little boy impression and looking as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. "He's a Lada killer," he whispered frantically at Eicca.

"Oh, come on. It wasn't THAT bad," Eicca scoffed.

"It's only a Lada," Paavo added.

Antero ignored that comment, but his shoulders drooped and he dragged his way out of the rehearsal room. "Come on, Perttu," he moaned. "Time for another lesson."

Perttu jumped up with a far too enthusiastic look on his face and Antero shuddered.

Eicca looked at Paavo.

Paavo looked at Eicca.

Both sniggered wildly.

***

An hour later, a loud bang alerted them and sent them running outside. Both stopped dead at the sight that greeted them.

Antero's car limped into view. The front was caved in. A door was missing. The side was crumpled, the wind-shield smashed.

"Vittu!" Eicca shrieked as the car ground to a halt with another loud bang from the engine. "What happened? Are you all right?"

Antero fought his way out of the car, having to shove the remaining door open before he could extricate himself.

The door fell off.

Perttu got out of the other side, his face red. He looked pissed off. Antero stood there, remarkably calm, cleaning his glasses (now mended) on his shirt sleeve. He put them back on and sighed.

"What happened?" Paavo repeated.

Perttu kicked the front tyre. "Some idiotic fat freak in a sleigh got in my way!" he snapped.

Paavo and Eicca blinked. "Idiotic fat freak?" Eicca echoed.

Antero sighed again. "He ran over Santa Claus," he said.

"But it's not even Christmas!" Eicca said with some confusion.

"He was going on vacation." Perttu scowled and kicked the tyre again. With a crash, all four wheels collapsed, the car with them.

"How did you lose a door?" Paavo asked, walking around the car with the look of a highly impressed man.

Antero sighed once more. "Reindeer." He pointed to a hoof-shaped dent in the fender. "That was Donner," he nodded to another. "And Blitzen."

Eicca nodded. "That'll do it," he agreed.

Perttu sulked. "I was doing really well, then he just flew in front of me."

"Did you get his number?" Paavo asked.

Antero sighed again. "Santa doesn't have a registration plate."

"So report him!"

Everyone looked at Paavo. Eicca sniggered.

"It doesn't matter," Antero said. "He's getting me a new one for Christmas."

"But that's ages away." Eicca said.

"Yeah." Antero said glumly.

"But it's okay." Perttu said brightly as they walked back into the rehearsal room. "I told him I'd give him a ride until then. I don't know why I didn't think of it before."

"A ride? On what?"

Perttu grinned. "My bike, of course!"

Antero sighed.

*************

"No! NO! Nonononononono! I am NOT coming into the studio with you on your bike!" Antero objected loudly.

"I'm okay at riding bikes... don't you remember that time with Eicca and Paavo when..."

"I don't care."

"And how about when we were the Riders of the Apo...."

"Not listening!" Antero put his hands over his ears and started singing loudly.

Eicca looked at Paavo. "He needs a car - and quickly."

"Don't look at me!" Paavo replied. "I'm a cellist, not a used-cars salesman!"

"You can lend him yours."

"And how am I supposed to get into the studio... unlike Antero... I actually belong to the band." Paavo folded his arms and looked sniffy.

"Oooooh. Hoity toity." Eicca grinned.

"I don't see you offering him your car."

"I'm the leader. I don't need to offer anyone my car. And Perttu still needs to learn to drive."

"NO! NO! Nonononononono!"

Perttu looked round. "Did I hear you say you were offering me your car to learn to drive?" he asked, batting his lashes at Paavo. "Oh... thank you, Paavo!" he threw his arms around the older man and jumped up and down like an excited squirrel.

Paavo sighed and handed over his keys.

Eicca stared open-mouthed for a moment, then looked at Perttu. "Did you hypnotise him? Are you blackmailing him? What have you got over him for him to lend you his nice 4X4? I wanna know!"

Perttu just grinned, grabbed Antero's arm and dragged him outside.

Paavo began to shuffle and look shamefaced.

"Well?" Eicca demanded.

Paavo shuffled some more. "Um... remember that little problem we had a while back... the green problem...."

"You mean when you turned into the Incredible Paavo and destroyed most of downtown where ever it was we were at the time?"

"Yeah."

"Sure, but what's that got to do with Perttu borrowing your car?"

Paavo winced. "He's got the anti-hamster and he threatens to let it loose on me unless I do as he asks."

Eicca stared at Paavo for a long, long time, before bursting into laughter.

He was still laughing fifteen minutes later when they heard the crash from the field outside.

******************
7

Rushing outside, into the field, they found Perttu standing by the car glaring at a large dent in the fender.

"MY CAR!" Paavo shrieked.

"It's okay. It's only a bump," Eicca soothed. "Easily repairable.

"But.. it's my car!" Paavo ran up to Perttu and shook him violently. "What happened?"

Perttu scratched his head and shrugged. "It was the strangest thing," he replied with a puzzled look on his face. "I was driving along and suddenly, this guy with pointed ears materialised in front of me, lifted his hand and told me to 'live long and prosper'."

"Then what?" Eicca asked incredulously.

"Well, I couldn't find the brake, so I hit him with the car," Perttu said. "And he disappeared."

Paavo glared at him suspiciously then looked for Antero.

He was still sitting in the passenger seat, with his hands over his eyes.

He was moaning.

...softly.

"Is that what happened?" Paavo demanded.

"I've no idea," Antero said at last, taking his hands from his eyes. "I wasn't looking."

"Are you CRAZY?" Paavo screamed. "SOMEONE has to look!"

Perttu pouted. "I WAS looking.. and this guy just appeared..."

"Yeah, yeah and pigs might fly," Paavo groaned.

"But the car still works," Perttu said hopefully, stroking his goatee meaningfully.

"You might as well use it," Paavo said in a resigned tone of voice. "I have another one anyway."

"Why didn't you say!" Eicca grinned.

"Oh shut up!" Paavo growled. "At least it's not a Lada!"

"I think that's enough for today," Antero said shakily, climbing out of the car and adjusting his glasses. He sighed. "I've no idea how I'm going to get in to rehearsal tomorrow."

Perttu patted his shoulder. "I'll pick you up on my bike tomorrow morning."

As the pair walked off, Paavo looked at Eicca. "I suppose it didn't occur to you to give Antero a ride tomorrow."

"Course not." Eicca grinned. "I'm having way too much fun."

************

8

"We've been here before, too," Paavo commented as Perttu, wobbling dangerously, rode into the yard with Antero perched on the cross bar. He had his hands over his eyes.

"I know." Eicca sighed. "Sometimes I think our life is one bad and incredibly stupid story."

Both men glanced at the author.

The author shrugged and continued to type.

With a ring on his bell, Perttu came to a sideways sliding stop and Antero fell off. Little growling noises could be heard from his general direction as he straightened his suit and his glasses and made sure his hair was neat.

"Are those real swear words?" Eicca asked at last.

"I think so, but they're not in Finnish." Paavo cocked his head to listen. "Wow. I didn't know he knew Serbo-Croat."

"I'm more impressed that you know what it is." Eicca looked at Paavo in a new light.

Paavo said nothing, just buffed his nails on the front of his shirt.

"So are we rehearsing today?" Perttu asked.

"No we're not," Eicca said firmly. "You are learning to drive."

From Antero's general direction came a soft moan. "Why me?"

"You're the best man for the job," Paavo soothed. "Anyone who has the guts to drive a Lada has the guts to teach Perttu how to drive."

Antero moaned again.

"Great! Maybe this time I'll get onto the road." Perttu grinned manically.

"If we can go one day without you crashing in the field, then we'll go on the road," Eicca promised.

"We? Hold on... who's teaching him?" Antero asked.

"You are, but maybe he'll do better on the road."

"Last time we crashed into Santa!" Antero objected.

"That wasn't my fault!" Perttu pouted. "He flew into me. He admitted it. Besides - I think that field is cursed."

"We're using the field," Antero said firmly.

Perttu's shoulders drooped.

"We're using the field!" Antero repeated. "Don't bat those pretty eyes at me, Kivilaakso."

As the pair walked off to Paavo's 4X4 which was still sitting in the middle of the field where they'd left it the day before, Paavo looked at Eicca, raising an eyebrow. "Pretty eyes?" he asked.

Eicca shrugged. "Well, they are!"

Paavo shook his head. Sometimes he worried about this band.

***

Paavo was tucking into some lunch (egg sandwich) when Antero and Perttu appeared at the door arguing vociferously. Antero wasn't wearing his glasses and he had a beautiful black eye.

"How could I see him coming. He was ABOVE me!"

"I told you to keep checking the rear view mirror!"

"But he wasn't behind me! He was above me! And that stupid ball!"

Paavo paused in mid-chew, suddenly worried. "Um..." what happened?"

"Nothing..." Perttu started.

Paavo began to be very afraid. "What happened?" he asked again. He was rather pleased that his voice managed to stay calm.

Perttu threw himself into the nearest chair, folded his arms and pouted, glaring at Antero.

Hmmm... yes, he does have pretty eyes, Paavo thought, then shook his head. "WHAT HAPPENED!" he roared.

"Not much... this stupid kid on a broomstick landed on the roof," Perttu said finally. "Then when we got out of the car to see if he'd damaged anything, this ball attacked Antero."

Paavo stared looooong and hard at Perttu. "A ball... attacked... Antero." He looked at Antero for confirmation. Antero just pointed to his eye. "What kind of ball.. a football? A rugby ball? A beach ball? Did it have teeth, or wings, or... eyes, maybe?"

"No... the other ball had wings. The kid was trying to hit it," Antero said glumly.

"It was a fairly small ball," Perttu agreed. "No teeth."

Paavo looked from Antero to Perttu, then back at Antero. "And this... ball... attacked you."

Antero pointed to his eye again. He had the look of a man resigned to his fate. He had his C0^0L back, despite the lack of glasses.

"What happened to this ball?" Paavo asked carefully.

"It flew off somewhere... so did the one with wings," Perttu said. "And the kid smashed his glasses and couldn't see anything, so Antero gave him his."

"He didn't say anything? This kid?" Paavo asked. "Didn't apologise... or give you any insurance details or anything?"

"Nope. Just muttered something about catching the Snitch and avoiding the Bludgers, then got back on his broomstick and flew off," Perttu pouted again. "and he didn't have a licence plate."

Paavo nodded calmly. "The car still works?"

"Sure it does. The only damage was to the roof," Perttu said brightly.

"The.... only damage..." Paavo shut his eyes. "Maybe I'd better see this damage."

He walked back out to the field with Antero and Perttu. Eicca was already there, surveying the remains of Paavo's car.

The roof was caved in. There was a kid shaped dent in the centre. Also a couple of small, round dents dotted all over the car - as if a ball had hit it rather violently.

Paavo began to moan.

"Nothing a few good whacks with a hammer won't fix." Eicca grinned, brandishing the aforementioned tool. He climbed into the car, with difficulty, and started bashing away at the roof. Gradually, it started to unbuckle, but still reminded Paavo strongly of an accordion.

And now there were hammer-head shaped dents in it.

Paavo turned away, clenching his fists. He wouldn't scream. He wouldn't shout. He wouldn't hit Perttu. He wouldn't go and kick a hole in Perttu's best cello out of revenge.

He would just calmly walk away and ignore everything.

Maybe it was all a dream.

... Or a REALLY bad story.

***************

Eicca stood back with a grin of satisfaction. "There," he said. "That's done it. Good as new."

Antero and Perttu looked at each other. Antero spoke up. "It looks like it's had a close encounter of the third kind with a dump truck."

"If you can do a better job, please do!" Eicca pouted and held out the hammer.

"Er... no thanks. We'll manage," Antero said hurriedly. Pounding a hammer into the roof was too much like hard work for him and it was so uncool.

"Can we go again?" Perttu asked eagerly.

"Again?" Antero glared.

"Yeah, well I was just starting to get the hang of it when that kid hit the roof. I got into third gear that last time."

"Yes, but you were supposed to be in first."

"I'll get it, but I have to practice." Perttu's lip started to quiver.

Antero rolled his eyes. "Just let me find a new pair of glasses and I'll be with you." He stalked off towards the rehearsal rooms.

Perttu sighed. "He's not being very patient," he said at last.

Eicca privately thought that even Job, in the Bible, would have problems teaching Perttu to drive.

Antero arrived back in the field a few minutes later, struggled to get the door open and would the windows up. "Come on then," he snapped.

Eicca smirked. Antero had tied an elastic band to the ends of his glasses and looped it around his head. Obviously, he was determined that, this time, he would not lose them.

But it didn't look cool.

Perttu got into the drivers seat. Eicca watched as Antero pointed out the key, the gear stick, the brakes and wondered how many times he'd run through such a routine but, at last, the car started, ground itself into gear and set off with another series of juddering bunny hops.

After a while, Paavo rejoined Eicca. "How's he doing?"

Eicca slowly shook his head. "Just got into second gear." He winced.

Paavo groaned. "I don't want to look." He had his hands over his eyes.

Then Eicca sniggered. "I hate to tell you this, but the farmer next door has let his sheep into the field."

Sure enough, as he watched, a flock of sheep came running into the field and, with the stupidity of woolly coated animals everywhere, ran right towards the car, which was now careening around the field in a haphazard manner.

"I can't look!" Paavo screamed, hiding his face.

The car didn't stop.

"We've been here before." Eicca sighed. As he watched, the car disappeared into a small stand of trees and reappeared a moment later, swerved to avoid the sheep and failed miserably. Sheep went flying left and right as the car ploughed through them.

Baa!

Baaaa!!!!

BAAAA!!!!!

The car finally headed right towards the ditch and, amazingly, came to a screeching halt just before it plunged headfirst into the exact same spot where Perttu had had his original accident.

"Jumalauta!" Eicca breathed. "He didn't crash. He didn't hit anything."

Paavo peeked under his fingers. "Are you sure?"

"Sure... but... what the..."

Paavo looked up.

Across the field, the car was now rocking violently.

Both men looked at each other.

The car continued to rock, back and forth.

Eicca raised an eyebrow.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" he asked.

"I'm not sure. What are you thinking?" Paavo asked cautiously.

"I'm not sure..." Eicca started to walk towards the car.

As they got closer, they could see that the windows were steamed up and could hear muffled groans and grunts from inside the car.

Eicca stopped. "I don't think I want to know what they're doing."

"Open the door."

"You do it."

"I don't want to... uh... interrupt them."

"Neither do I, besides, it's your car."

The car continued to rock. The groans got louder.

"I think they're nearly finished," Eicca commented. "I mean... with whatever it is they're doing! Open the door."

"Why me?" Paavo asked.

"Just do it."

Paavo sighed, walked forward and pulled the door open suddenly.

Antero was on top of Perttu. Perttu was grappling with him. The air inside was hot and steamy. Paavo was afraid to look.

But finally, Antero glanced up. His glasses were broken - again - but still on his nose.

His hands were around Perttu's throat.

"Um... did I interrupt you?" Paavo enquired.

"He was trying to kill me!" Perttu squeaked, his hands going to his neck. He shoved Antero off him and struggled out of the car.

"Just one more minute... one more minute and I would have succeeded!" Antero's hair was wild, his suit dishevelled. As he got out of the car, the elastic band holding his glasses on snapped.

They fell off.

He groaned.

Eicca looked the car over. "Um. Why is there a chicken impaled on the car aerial?"

Everyone looked at the hapless and very dead bird.

"Who cares?" Perttu said with a grin. "It's dinner." With a small popping noise, he pulled the corpse off the aerial and wandered back towards the rehearsal rooms.

Eicca and Paavo looked at Antero.

"That's it!" Antero put his smashed glasses back on, straightened his suit and wiped his hair flat on his head. "I'm not ever getting into another car with him ever again," he said.

As he stormed off, Eicca grinned at Paavo. "Wanna bet?" he asked sweetly.

**********

The next day, Antero was late. Everyone wandered around, glaring at the empty road, Perttu smoking, Paavo muttering about his car and Eicca looking cool.

He was wearing Antero's sunglasses.

"Where did you get those from?" Paavo asked at last. The curiosity was killing him.

"I said I'd mend them."

Paavo carefully looked over the entire two rolls of sticky tape wound around the ear pieces. "You certainly did that."

Eicca grinned.

"He won't wear them."

"How do you know?"

"Because he's got a spare pair."

Eicca pulled off the glasses and threw them away. "Worth a try."

Paavo sidled up to Eicca. "Why are you doing this?" he whispered.

Eicca raised his eyebrows in an evil manner. "Because Perttu needs to learn how to drive."

"Is that all?"

"Of course." Eicca was innocence itself.

"Then use your own car."

"You car will do fine. I banged more dents out of it last night." He jerked his head at the battered car parked behind them. Paavo wasn't convinced.

Just then, Antero appeared at the end of the road, driving his newly repaired Lada. Paavo frowned as he got out of the car. Maybe it wasn't Antero. He couldn't tell.

Not only was the person getting out of the car wearing a crash helmet, the visor pulled down, he was also wearing a padded suit, gloves and huge boots.

Paavo eyed the helmet, complete with dark glasses.

Yup - that was Antero.

"Mfmmmfmth mymfgmem memfmgmggmg mgmmg ngh mh argh," he said.

"What?"

Antero opened the visor. "I said 'Perttu, get in that car right this second'."

"You're eager," Paavo commented as Perttu flicked away his cigarette and jumped into the drivers seat.

Antero quailed visibly. "No I'm not. I just want to get out of here before I lose my nerve!"

Before Paavo could answer, he was back in the car, visor down, hands over his eyes as gears creaked, grinded and finally the car bunny-hopped off down the road.

As they watched, there was a huge explosion from behind them. Flattened by the blast, Eicca and Paavo looked round in complete disbelief.

Paavo's car was a rolling ball of fire. Paavo jumped up, swearing. Eicca brushed dirt off his jeans and sighed. "So that's where Perttu's cigarette end went?"

********************
part 11

(The signs in this section are real English road signs. I know they don't have equivalents in Finland or possibly anywhere else, but as our signs are so weird, I thought they were perfect.)

Driving with Perttu was always a rather surreal experience, but, to Antero's (well covered eyes) he seemed to be getting just a little better. He hadn't crashed into anything for at least five minutes of continuous driving and Antero (stupidly) was beginning to relax.

They drove around the field a few times, studiously ignoring the belches of black smoke coming from the studio buildings and the sound of fire engines arriving on the scene. Antero didn't want to know. Perttu hadn't seemed to notice.

Maybe it was better that way.

"I'm bored. Why can't we go onto the road?" Perttu asked finally.

Antero considered. They were miles away from anywhere. There was little traffic on the road for Perttu to terrorise. They would be relatively safe. Finally he nodded. "All right. But you have to do exactly as I say."

Perttu nodded eagerly, almost bouncing in his seat. "I think I'm getting the hang of this," he said as he turned out onto the road.

"I'm not so sure of that," Antero muttered, but he held on tight, his fingers fitting neatly into the dents already on the dashboard, and concentrated.

One of them had to.

*

"What does that sign mean?" Perttu asked after a while as they crept past. Antero wisely thought it was a good idea for Perttu to stick to a nice, slow speed and the sign crawled past.

"'Chips in road'? It means that someone's been laying new tarmac and there's likely to be loose bits around," Antero explained patiently. After all, understanding the road sign code was part of driving safely.

They drove a little further.

"I like chips with mayo," Perttu said.

"What?"

"Chips. I like mayonnaise on them."

"Not THAT kind of chips," Antero groaned.

They drove a little further. Then Perttu stopped the car. The back wheels slid only a little.

"Why did you stop?" Antero asked.

Perttu nodded ahead.

In the middle of the road was a huge pile of something golden and glistening. Antero blinked. What on earth....?

They got out of the car and surveyed the pile. After a moment, Perttu reached out, picked up one of the golden, finger length things and ate it.

"Chips," he said, smacking his lips. "Nicely cooked, too." He looked hopefully around the sides of the road, probably searching for mayonnaise.

Antero sat down, pulled his helmet off and replaced his glasses. They were helping to disguise the huge bags under his eyes.

Please let this all be a bad dream.

*

Perttu ate a lot of the chips, but Antero took his turn at the wheel and ploughed through the mass as his friend belched gently beside him, muttering about there being no salt or mayo available.

Antero was not going to say anything. He'd seen it all, now, surely. Aliens, Santa Claus, boy wizards, ferocious balls, flying sheep. What were a few potato chips?

They got through the pile then swapped and Perttu continued on his way. They passed another sign.

"What's that mean?"

"Low aircraft," Antero sighed. "We're near an airport. Turn left here. Keep looking all around you as you drive."

With a screech of tyres, Perttu turned.

"I said left! Not right!"

"Oops. Ah well.. this is a nice, long straight road. Maybe I can go a bit faster."

"We're on a runway, you idiot! Turn round." Antero suddenly wished he hadn't thrown his helmet into the back seat.

Perttu turned the car around and continued to drive. "What's that low droning noise?" he asked.

Antero looked behind them.

Nothing.

He looked to the sides.

Nothing.

Slowly he looked up.

"STOP!" he shrieked at the top of his voice.

"What?"

"Just stop!"

Perttu stopped. A moment later a huge jumbo jet appeared, touched down with only cm to spare and raced off, ahead of them.

Antero wanted to faint.

"What was that plane doing on my road?" Perttu pouted.

Fighting the urge to kill Perttu, Antero clenched his fists. "I told you to keep looking around you," he said between gritted teeth.

"You said around!" Perttu snapped sharply. "You didn't say anything about UP!"

A small, pathetic whimper escaped, unbidden from Antero's lips. He slid down his seat, feeling like jelly. "Shall we get out of here?" he asked at last.

"Sure." Perttu continued to drive as if he didn't have a care in the world.

Antero thanked any god listening that he was blond haired. At least the grey wouldn't show so badly.

***************

to be continued