***
As Perttu went full tilt into a wild, cello-bashing solo, Eicca, sawing wildly on his own instrument, caught a glimpse of something flashing to his right. Focusing on the sight, he realised that Paavo's microphone was flashing on and off.

"Paavo...Your microphone is trying to tell you something..." he yelled over the cacophony of Apocalyptica at full blast.

Paavo looked alarmed, so alarmed that he blew a string. The twang was audible. Eicca dissolved into sniggers.

"Just when you get out of the system..." Paavo muttered to himself, quickly twiddling his keys, ripping the string off and throwing it away.

Perttu finished destroying his cello, threw it somewhere to the side and stormed off stage to get another. Meanwhile, Antero, Paavo and Eicca had a brief conference.

"What is it?" Antero asked, looking with interest at the still flashing microphone.

"I'll tell you later," said Paavo.

After the concert, the other three gathered round as Paavo upended his cello, pulled out the end pin and flicked a switch on his pickup.

Perttu blinked. "Paavo is James Bond..." he squeaked.

Just then, a tinny voice issued out of the pick up. "Agent A.P.O.1, we have just received news that there is a megalomaniac out there who is threatening to destroy all cellos. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to find this sick man and stop his fiendish plan. If you do not accept, Eicca Toppinen's cello will explode in 5 seconds."
Eicca meeped. Antero gasped and Paavo quickly reached over to press the 'accept' switch.

But Perttu, with a grin on his face grabbed Paavo's hand. "Wait..." he said.

The sound of a dying cello, the explosion muffled in the case, came to their ears.

"Okay." Perttu looked pleased with himself. "You can accept it now."

Paavo pressed the accept button. Meanwhile, Eicca was looking at Perttu suspiciously. "Why did you make him do that?" he asked. "He killed my cello!!!"

Perttu shrugged, looking innocent. "No reason." He grinned and walked off, whistling.

***

Paavo frowned at the folder he was holding in his hand. "According to this, the bad guy is the head of an organisation called E.I.C.K.A. - which stands for Evil Infamous Cello Killing Assassins..." He scratched his head. "That sounds familiar."

"Wonder why?" said Eicca softly. "Perttu... what are you doing with that dynamite?"

"Nothing..." Perttu hurriedly put his hands behind his back and stepped away from Paavo's cello.

Eicca glared at his young band-mate then turned his attention back to Paavo. "So what do we have to do?"

"We?" Paavo asked. "Since when have you become secret agents."

Eicca shrugged. "You think we're going to let you go off and have fun without us?"

"But, this guy is a maniac. He's an evil cello killer with no morals whatsoever. He might forget cellos and start on cello players."

"Only if they get in his way," murmured Perttu, closely examining a chain-saw he just happened to be holding.

"Put that down!" Paavo snapped. "You're such a klutz... you'll have your hand off - or, worse, you'll hurt Antero's cello."

"Hmm." Perttu smiled. "That would be a shame, wouldn't it?"

As he walked off, chain-saw in hand, Eicca frowned after him. "I worry about that boy," he commented.

***
(back at Paavo's house)

"...So I called SuPo and they've given me your code names," Paavo finished, handing out sheets of paper to each of his band-mates.

Eicca looked at his. "I-No-No-1?" He pouted for Finland. "I don't like it."

Paavo shrugged. "Hard luck. What's yours, Antero?"

Antero showed him the print out. Paavo read what was there. Eicca snatched the paper and glared.

Written on the paper under the heading 'code name' was '0^0'

"What kind of a name is THAT?" Eicca growled.

"I like it," Antero said, pushing his dark glasses up his nose.

Eicca and Paavo rolled their eyes. Meanwhile Perttu was staring at his with the look of a confused man. "What does this mean?" he asked at last.

"What does it say?"

"PPP." Perttu shrugged.

After the others had stopped giggling, Paavo grew serious. "Now comes the good stuff... the gizmos. Perttu... leave my hammer alone... and come away from that cello case. As I was saying... the gizmos..."

"I think I'll pass," Perttu said. "I'm missing good Playstation and pizza time."

Without another word he left the room.

"He'd probably shoot himself in the foot anyway," Antero muttered.

"And he'd be no good driving the Aston Martin," Eicca added. "And we won't talk about any other very fast vehicles..."

Everyone winced.

"Aston Martin?" Paavo asked, shaking his head. "We get a Lada."

***
(later)

Eicca and Antero stared at Paavo, then at the car.

"It's got a smoke screen..." Paavo said, grinning hopefully.

"That's the exhaust pipe, you idiot," Eicca said. "It's not 'supposed' to make that mess..."

"And if enemies come up behind us, we can leave an oil slick to drive them off the road..."

Antero sighed. "The oil tank is leaking."

"Vittu - it works. Do you want to help me defeat the E.I.C.K.A or not?" Paavo yelled.

"Something so familiar about that..." Eicca muttered, then he said, louder, "of course we do. Antero... you get the..."

"Call me 0^0," Antero said, adjusting his glasses.

Eicca pouted. "Just get the gizmos."

Antero returned a few minutes later, his arms loaded. "Twelve rosin bombs?" he counted them out.

"Check," Paavo said.

"Three laser guns disguised as bows?"

"Check"

"One set of very cool infra-red dark glasses... I'll have those..."

"Check," Eicca sighed.

"A roll of acid-infused gaffa tape?"

Eicca stopped the spot repair on his pants seams as the leather began to hiss. "Vittu..."

"Go and change." Paavo nodded.

"A crossbow..." Antero continued as Eicca, blushing wildly, sidled off to change his now holey pants.

"Check. I'll have that." Paavo grabbed the lethal weapon cunningly disguised - complete with Shostakovich score - as a music stand.

"... and the piece de resistance... an indestructible cello... to lure the villain out."

"Perhaps we can keep that, for Perttu, when we've finished," Eicca said, reappearing in fresh leather pants.

"I don't think even the indestructible cello could resist Perttu," Paavo muttered as he got into the Lada. The other two got in and off they went.

"Where are we going?" asked Eicca at last.

"To the scene of the last crime," Paavo replied grimly.

***

Eicca looked over the scene of devastation and wiped a tear from his eye. To see so many broken cellos... it made his heart bleed.

Especially as this was where he normally bought his stage cellos. With this place gone, he would have to go somewhere else and the shop owners gave such 'great' discount.

The shop had been broken into. Everywhere bits of wood, strings and scrolls lay looking forlorn on the floor. Paavo bent down and picked up a discarded bridge.

"Someone will pay for this," he pronounced. "... as long as it's not us..." he amended hurriedly.

The shopkeeper, wringing his hands, was wailing his story to Antero. "All we saw was a shadowy figure, wearing a baseball hat and dark glasses. It was like something out of a dream. He walked into the shop... raised his hand and all the cellos exploded." The man shuddered. "This is the last cello store in Finland. I've heard reports of this happening all over Europe... Poland, Latvia, Hungary, Germany.... if this carries on, there won't be a single cello supply anywhere in the world."

Eicca turned to Paavo. "We have to stop this lunatic," he said in alarm. "If we don't... Apocalyptica will run out of cellos and we won't be able to play anymore."

Suddenly, from mid-air, they heard dramatic music. Everyone looked around, shrugged and looked back at Eicca. He drew himself up to his full height.

"This time, it's personal!"

As more dramatic music blared around them, a familiar, slim figure appeared in the smashed doorway.

"Hei, guys." Perttu said.

"What are you doing here?" Paavo asked.

Perttu shrugged, looked around the scene of devastation and smiled. "Came to see what all the fuss was about." He picked his way through the mess then bent down.

"What's this?" he asked and handed something to Paavo.

Paavo read the paper. "A clue!" he said triumphantly. "The cello killer left a clue... a piece of black fish-net... with an address attached to it."

As he spoke, a man came running in, holding three cello cases. "Look! We're not out of business after all" he yelled at the shopkeeper. "A new delivery has just come in from China. There are a hundred more in the truck outside!"

"Let's find that fiend, before he kills this delivery." Paavo said. He ran out to the Lada. "Eicca, Ante... uh..... uh.. whatever... let's go."

All three men got into the Lada. Behind them, Perttu sauntered out of the shop and waved them off as they drove away.

Then, as they rounded the corner, there was another huge explosion. Paavo screeched the car to a halt and all three looked back in horror. There was nothing left of the shop except a big, deep pit - the cello delivery truck was on fire.

"Perttu..." Eicca moaned. "He was right there..."

Paavo pointed at the nearby bus stop. "He's all right..." He frowned. "Doesn't even look worried."

Antero, focused on the distant figure, just getting onto the bus. "There's something very strange about that boy..." he said. "It's time we found out what it is."

***

Staying a safe distance away, the members of Apocalyptica (minus 1) followed the bus to a quiet part of town, until they saw Perttu get out. Looking around in a suspicious manner, Perttu slipped into a nearby warehouse and shut the door.

Paavo stopped the car. "What's he doing there?" he asked.

Antero was locking and loading his bow-shaped laser gun. "Let's find out," he said.

They got out of the car bristling with weapons. Eicca took the indestructible cello - just in case. "Antero..."

"It's 0^0!" Antero raised his glasses and glared at Eicca.

"Uh.. 0*...? 0<...? Vittu - how do you say that...? You go around the back. I'll take the front. Paavo... you find some side entrance or other."

"Hold on. I'm in charge, for once!" Paavo snapped. "I'm the secret agent around here."

"Sorry. Force of habit." Eicca grinned and walked off to the front anyway.

Paavo sighed and gave up. Cocking his music stand in a threatening manner, he crept round the side of the warehouse and finally found a door. He tip-toed inside. He could hear high-pitched, painful screaming and winced. Following the sound, he finally entered a wide open space...

And gasped at what he saw...

***

"Perttu... what are you doing here?" he asked.

Perttu started and hurriedly put his hands behind his back. "Um..."

"It's dangerous... you shouldn't be here." Paavo looked around. Everywhere, as far as the eye could see were cellos... whole, unmarked cellos... and bits of cellos, and cellos ground to nothing more than splinters.

"I... uh... was on a cello rescue mission," Perttu replied, edging away from the half sawn cello at his feet. "You see... I'm a secret agent too."

"So that's why you gave me the clue." Paavo grinned. "So we could help you."

"Yup." Perttu off-handedly kicked the cello. The neck snapped. "I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with the E.I.C.K.A myself, so SuPo called the reinforcements in. I've been working undercover for years, trying to get into the ring-leader's confidence."

"So... what do we do now?" Paavo asked.

"Call the others. We can take these cellos away, keep them somewhere safe so that the E.I.C.K.A don't find them... at least we'll always be able to play."

"All right." Paavo paused. "Uh... what are you doing with that drill?"

"Nothing..." Perttu grinned brightly. "You just find the others I'll destro.. um... I mean.. rescue some of these instruments."

***

As Paavo collected the other two and brought them back to the enormous room, he explained what had happened. "So, you see, Perttu was working on our side all the time."

Antero frowned. "I can't see him being a secret agent," he said, playing with a rosin bomb. "Are you sure about this?"

"Of course," Paavo said crossly. "He told me all about it, didn't you, Perttu? Perttu?"

All three men stopped dead, jaws dropping as they watched Perttu beat the crap out of a poor defenceless cello, with a big, spiked club.

"AHA! Die, evil creature!" Perttu screamed. The poor cello succumbed to the onslaught and cracked into small pieces. Breathing hard, Perttu turned his attention to another waiting instrument.

"He lied!" Paavo said. "Perttu is the E.I.C.K.A after all!"

Antero rolled his eyes. "I could have told you that, but did anyone listen to me? No. Of course not - I'm not a real member of Apo after all - I'm just the spare part... even if I do look cool in my dark glasses..."

"Shut up, Antero," Eicca snapped.

"It's 0^0!!!!"

"Very astute of you," came a deep, growling and evil voice from behind them. "But Perttu is not the E.I.C.K.A. I just used my anti-cello hypnotic ray on him. And now I have you in my clutches and you're all going to die horribly... or maybe I'll force you to play Celine Dion songs instead - I haven't made my mind up. Perttu, take away their gizmos."

Eicca, Paavo and Ant... uh... 0^0 whirled round, seeking the owner of the evil voice.
As Perttu came forward, his eyes blank and dreamy, and relieved them of all of their weapons, their mouths dropped open for the second time

In front of them was a tall, blond figure. He was dressed in black leather and held a white cat, which he stroked slowly. He was grinning in an evil, megalomaniac kind of way, but his face was very familiar.

"MAX!"

***

Max walked forward, grinning evilly from ear to ear. "Yes... you were maybe expecting Father Christmas?"

"Why? Is he in on the plot too?" Eicca asked, looking wildly around.

"No he isn't!" Max yelled, going red in the face. "Stop talking about Father Christmas!"

"You started it," Eicca pouted. He was good at pouting.

"No I didn't!"

Paavo tapped his foot impatiently. "Why are you doing this?" he asked, desperately trying to get the plot back on track.

Max glared at Eicca, then smoothed his moustache and tried to look evil. "Because you threw me out of the band. I wanted to get my revenge on you. If you didn't have any cellos, you couldn't play and it would serve you right. BWAHAHAHA!" he added, cackling evilly.

Paavo gasped. "You evil fiend," he said.

"Yes. That's me. I'm so evil. I hypnotised Perttu and turned him into a cello killer. Revenge will be mine, all mine..." Max started to cackle again as Perttu kicked the life out of yet another cello.

"Not so fast, Max," Antero said. As he spoke, he threw the rosin bomb he'd hidden in his pocket. It exploded, throwing up sharp shards of rosin, smoke and flame everywhere. Max's cat screeched in fright and ran away.

"Now look what you've done. You frightened Tiddles" Max raged. "Perttu... kill them..." he paused. "Um... when you've finished...um... what you're doing..."

Perttu sighed and zipped up. "Do I have to? I don't want to kill them. They aren't cellos."

"I don't care! Kill them!" Max jumped up and down.

***

"Now would be a good time to throw another rosin bomb," Paavo whispered to Antero.

"I don't have anymore," Antero whispered back. Paavo groaned. Things just weren't going the way the writer intended.

Perttu pouted prettily as he picked up some dead cello strings and began to tie up Paavo's hands.

"Not so fast, Max!" Eicca suddenly yelled.

"I just said that and it didn't work then!" Antero growled.

"Shut up, 0$%^0." Eicca was pointing a gun at Max. The barrel swivelled towards Antero. Yes - it was a gun... not a gun disguised as a bow, a violin or even a music stand, but a real gun.

Perttu grinned and tied Max up too.

"Eicca... stop pointing that thing at me," Antero said nervously.

"Point it at Max. He's the evil genius," Paavo added.

"Aha! That's where you're wrong," Eicca said. "Actually, I'm the evil genius around here."

"YOU?" everyone chorused.

"Yes. Me! and I will have cello domination all over the world." Eicca grinned. "You see, you think I have a farm with pigs and cows and horses and..." he spat, "a tractor, but you're wrong. I'm growing cellos. When every cello in the world has been destroyed by my henchman, Perttu, then every orchestra, cello playing rock band and even 'Bond' will have to buy their cellos from me."

Paavo laughed. "Okay... I can see that's a good idea." He nodded. "And maybe, you might not want to sell them.. maybe we should be the only people in the world with cellos so everyone will have to listen to Apocalyptica. We will rule supreme!" He cackled evilly.

Perttu rolled his eyes. "Am I the only one who 'isn't' an evil genius, here?"

Everyone looked at him. He shrugged. "Just asking."

Eicca put his gun away and untied Paavo and Antero. "So let's go and destroy some more cellos," he said, putting his arms around their shoulders.

"What about Max?" Paavo asked as they walked out of the warehouse towards the Lada.

Eicca smiled. "Why do you think he left the band? He's been working for me all along. He just got delusions of grandeur. He'll carry on with his cello killing, like he always has."

"And will you dehypnotise Perttu?" Paavo glanced behind him. Perttu was walking behind them all, happily snapping a bow in half.

"Are you kidding?" Eicca said in alarm. "He is the master of cello killing assassins. There is no one better. Besides..." his voice dropped to a whisper, "before I hypnotised him, he liked..." he shuddered, "Abba!"

(Epilogue)
Our intrepid evil geniuses get into the car and drive off into the sunset. As we watch them go, we hear Perttu's voice, singing - badly.

"Waterloo! I was defeated, you won the war! Waterloo..."

Then we hear three terrified screams...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

***
THE END
***