I took Hikaru with me to Uni. On the way, I pointed out an old, closed down gun shop called Pax guns. When we got home, Hik informed Raist he'd learned a new word in Latin. Raist immediately went on a typical Raistlin sulky teen rant.
Raist: Why are you so interested in Latin? There's no point. It's a dead language. No one uses it anymore. It's no use to anyone at all. I hate all that shit. It's useless.
Hik: You go on and on ad nauseum about it, et cetera, et cetera. I bet you could ad-lib on the subject ad infinitum, but you're wrong. People do use Latin.Poor Raist was completely flummoxed and I couldn't speak for laughing.
***Me: Hikaru - stop playing with that knife!
Hik: (in a malevolent tone of voice) But I like it... sometimes I think of using it...***
I was telling the kids about seeing some bimbo woman from TV filming in Covent Garden.
Hik: Mum, what happened to your ability to slap unnecessary celebrities?
***
(We were in central London and Raist was complaining that the buildings were very dirty.)
Me: It takes a long time and lots of money to clean them and sandblast them.
Raist: Why can't they just throw sponges at them?***
Michi: Mum, do you have a web site?
Me: Yes. I've got my Apocalyptica page.
Michi: No, I mean like 'mum.com' or something.***
Michi: (holding mathematics homework book and looking worried) Mum. Can you speak Algebra?
Michi: What's for dinner?
Hik: Taglietelle
Michi: tageetel?
Hik: No, you deaf bastard.... taglietelle... you should get your ears checked. You're so deaf!
Michi: No i'm not! Mum, what's taglietelle?
Me: Pasta.
Michi: (mishearing) Pizza?***
(When I got back from a shopping trip, Hik was outside. He opened the car door and started looking all over)
Hik: Mum... Raist's hitting me. Do you have a Raistlin extinguisher?
Me: No.
Hik: But what do you do if an emergency Raistlin happens?***
Hik - at the top of his voice...
GIVE ME BACK MY PENCIL! I NEED IT FOR MY EDUCATIONAL STUDIES!***
(Raistlin suddenly disappeared upstairs just as I asked the kids to wash up)
Amin: (Raist's friend) I swear he can read minds.
Raistlin: (appearing back in the kitchen) Yeah. Sometimes I just know what you're going to say.
Hik: Me too. I can read minds.
Me: Okay. What am I thinking?
Hik: You're thinking about a car?
Me: No. I'm thinking 'Raistlin is an asshole'.
Hik: Yeah, but that's a double bluff cos we're all thinking that!***
(after an argument with his friend)
David: Boy, Hik - You're crabby today.
Hik: I don't get crabby, I get stabby!***
(About two strange teens Raistlin's friend James brings round)
Hik: I thought they'd be hard, but they look like chess players - like 80's game freaks!***
(we are sitting in the garden in the dark and watching the cats playing in the bushes)
Michi: I can't see Osiris.
Me: That's because it's dark and he's black.
Hik: yeah, he's probably gone to play basketball with all his other cat homies.***
Me: Don't you sometimes wish you could understand dad when he's speaking Japanese?
Hik: Yeah. It would give him more character.***
(Raistlin was looking in the fridge) Raist: Whose biscuits are these?"
Michi : MINE!
Raist: I think I'll just.... have....
Michi: No. You can't! They're mine!
Raist: ...a... raspberry yoghurt...
Michi: I HATE it when you do that!
Raist: What are you talking about? I've never said that before in my life!
Hik: But there's an 80% chance you'll say it again tomorrow. ***
(When Hik broke his leg recently, he was given gas and air when they set his leg.)
Me: You'll see pink elephants.
Hik: No. No pink elephants... oh.. michi. You're blue
Michi: (in worried voice) I'm NOT BLUE! Nurse, have you got a mirror!!
***
(We were in a cafe and Michi decided he was going to pick his nose and eat the contents.) Hik: Michi, just because it's green, it doesn't mean it's a vegetable!
***
(Raistlin came home late from school with a nasty cut underneath his eye. Hikaru was there with his friends, David and Liam)
Hik: What happened to you?
Raist: Well, I was on my way home and suddenly these four guys came up to me and asked me if I had any money. I said no, so they held me down and searched me and took my £2, but I got away from them and got the money back, so they began to chase me. I ran down the road and there were these kids with a skateboard. I grabbed the skateboard off them and rode down the road with it with the guys and the kids chasing me. Finally I stopped and hit the guys with the skate board, then the police turned up and arrested us all and took us to the police station and I had to write out a report, then they asked me if I knew anything about the grafitti in Colney Hatch Lane and I knew who did it even though I wasn't involved so I was really scared cos I didn't want to grass my mates, so they made me stay in a little room until I talked, then they finally let me go after beating me up and I had to get the bus home.
David and Liam: (impressed) Wow! You're so cool, Raistlin!
Hik: (after a long, searching stare) So what really happened?
Raist: I had a fight with Steve (his friend)
***
Raistlin: (addressing me) Have you heard about that probe they sent up into space to find out stuff about solar flares and winds. It finally landed. Do you know if they got any information from it about the sun?
Hik: It's hot.***
(watching 'Passion Of The Christ' with Michi - got to the whipping part)
Michi: This isn't as nice as Jesus Christ Superstar, is it?
***
Hik: I read Raistlin's mind today...
Me: What was he thinking?
Hik: You know those cicadas? chirp chirp chirp chirp...***
Hik: Mum, I'm just going to have some vodka with my coke? That okay? Thanks!
Me: Huh?***
Hik: I hate opera. It's just an expensive nap.
***
Hik: Mum have you got any medicine to stop me being the best? I'm bored with it now.
***
(watching a clown walk past in Amsterdam)
Michi: Look at that clown. It's going to murder us by kissing us!***
Michi: Gods live forever and ever and ever, but we only live for one ever.
***
Raistlin: All cows should die. They should be moo-dered!
***
Hik: (in long suffering voice at a concert I'm performing in) I can't believe I'm sitting in a Roman Catholic church listening to classical music.
***
(talking about the queen's regalia)
Raist: and she has that really old fur coat, and the sceptre (he pronounced it skepter)
Hik: yeah... and the holy grenade. (he meant the orb).***
Super-Cool Hikaru
(looking at Perttu's (from Apocalyptica) new look)
Hik: Finns evolute quickly.
(he meant evolve)
***
Hik: Do you think revenge tastes good?
Me: Yes - especially when it's served cold.
Hik: I prefer it cooked at gas mark 7***
Kaz: (looking into empty fridge) I need to do some serious shopping tomorrow. There's no food at all.
Michi: In the meantime, build a hatchery and feed your minions.***
(Michi has a balloon under his shirt and is pretending to be a woman in labour)
Michi: The baby is coming!
Hik: Push! PUSH!
(BANG!!!)
Hik: Oh! What a waste of people...
Raist is growing up quickly
***
Michi: Mum. I just saw two men on TV kissing each other.
Me: And?
Michi: Are they Danish?***
(after I jumped out from behind the fridge and scared him)
Hik: How dare you frighten the Charisma Machine!
***
Hik: I have manners. I say 'Please' and 'Thank you'... but i'm not very good at that 'help, the house is on fire' act'.
***
(talking about their horoscope planets)
Hik: My planet is the best - the planet of war, death, despair, desolation and chaos.
Raistlin: So! My planet delivers stuff!(his planet is Mercury)
***
Hik: Help! Mum. I can't stop drawing this infinity sign!
***
Hik: I don't like people who don't like my cartoons.
Me: Why not?
Hik: It's cartoonism.
Maybe I should tell Michi that his violin is the wrong way round?
***
(calling me on phone while I'm out for the day)
Raist: Mum? Can I look at porn on your computer?
Me: No - I end up getting loads of spam - use your father's.
Raist: I looked, but he only has Japanese girls on his hard drive.
Me: You're not supposed to be looking at their faces!***
(on the way home, Hikaru and his friend Jack are talking about Jack's girlfriend.)
Jack: She's got a unisex name - Stevie.
Hik: Your girlfriend is a transexual?***
Me: It's a mark of a true genius to die young.
Hik: I'm not going to be a comic drawer any more.***
Raist: when you wank and sperm comes out of your dick, does it mean you've reached puberty?
Me: Yes.
Raist: Damn!
Me: keep practising....***
Michi and mum play a duet.
(I've just woken up and walking around looking dead.)
Hik: I need to finish my essay.
Me: What essay?
Hik 'The Walking Zombie Mum'***
(Still walking around like a zombie)
Me: I've got a headache
Hik: is it a mibraine.
Me: huh?
Hik: As in 'mibraine' hurts'.***
(Showing me some Lego models he had made)
Hik: Here's an all terrain vehicle, with a turret gun that can fire up down, sideways, a gear stick, an emergency button, a...
Me: What does the emergency button do?
Hik: You don't want to find out. And here's a separate panel where you can control the vehclie from safety. You can see here, there's two panels and if you lift it up, there's an emergency button.
Me: What happens if you press that emergency button.
Hik: (Giving me a long, serious look) You don't want to find out.(After the look he gave me, he's right. I don't want to find out.)
***
Hik: I know who the first man on the sun was.
Me: Who?
Hik: Crispy Armstrong.***
(Hik was sent to the reception class (5 year olds) at school to help out)
Hik: Oh man, I went in and they all yelled 'it's him again' and jumped on me. They wanted to play with me and pull my hair and make me give them piggy back rides and play arm wrestling. They nearly killed me and I've got to do it again tomorrow.
(Long silence)
Hik: Mum, can I take an axe to show and tell tomorrow?
(Next day - in the morning. I'm brushing his hair)
Me: You got your axe ready for show and tell?
Hik: No, but I've got my death certificate.
***
***
(I say something funny.)
Hik: That should go on the mum page.
***
(reading out the LOTR 'pants' quotes)
Me: "It's a riddle. Speak 'pants' and enter. What's the Elvish word for pants?"
Michi: Mell-poo***
(opening the fridge and seeing that someone has drawn faces all over the eggs.)Kaz: (laughing) Who did this?
(everyone looks at Hikaru)
Hik: Why are you all looking at me? Just because I did it....
***
Grendel and her human, Raistlin.
(Discussing scary films.)
Hik: The scariest film I've ever seen is 'The Shining' - followed by ''Attack Of The Michi's'.
Michi: There isn't an Attack Of The Michi film - because I'm nice.
Hik: Your farts aren't!***
Hik: Can I scare you while you're on the computer?
Me: Why would you want to scare me?
Hik: 'Cos I want to test out my scaring skills.***
Hik: There's this girl in my class who dyed the bottom of her hair red. She looks like she dipped her hair in paint or something.
Me: Maybe you should do that - (sings in cute voice) Rainbow Hik.
Hik: Let's not go too much into the sixties. Let's go into the future - (sings in cute voice) Robo-Hik***
(Looking at Michi's socks)
Hik: Why are you wearing those? Bright socks are just so two seconds ago.***
Hik: I want to be a nuclear power-station safety inspector.
Me: Why?
Hik: I just love watching places blow up.***
(Sitting with me learning some Greek root words.)
Me: So what would zygomorphic nuclear computer ectoplasm be?
Hik: A dripping nuclear computer from hell.***
(Watching Lord Of The Rings - the part when Gandalf faces the Balrog in Moria)
Raistlin: (in Gandalf voice) Swords are no use here - someone get a hose.
***
(talking about philosophy)
Me: Shut your eyes. Now, how do you know that the tree in the garden still exists?
Hik: I just know.
Me: But it might be just your imagination. How do you know?
Hik: I'm peeking
***
We were at archery. Hik shot four arrows and got one white and three misses (He's normally better but he was shooting a 40 yard target.)
Me: You're not doing very well are you?
Hik: I need homing arrows.***
Raist: How was the Earth created?
Me: the Big Bang did it.
Raist: What? Michi farted?***
(To his great grandmother on the phone - her birthday)
Hik: Don't ask me how I am. More importantly, how are you enjoying your birthday?
***
(Same conversation - this time, Raist is talking to great grandmother)
Raist: What have I been doing? Skateboarding, archery, playing games... loads of shit really... oops.
***
Raist is reading this page and gets to the part about Hikaru's new year resolutions.
Raist: To stand up for myself - he does that but still gets beaten up. To stop doing boring stuff - he still does that. To stop talking shit - that never stops!
***
Hik: Muuuum...
Me: (speaking on the phone and having been interrupted several times) look... how many times have I told you not to talk to me when I'm on the phone. I don't want you to interupt me when I'm on the phone unless the house is on fire!!!Hik: But... the house 'is' on fire...
***
Michi: Can we go over the road? We're looking for this tree. It's kind of wooden.
***
Hik: Oh no! My imagination is trying to kill me!
***
(Talking about the strange habits of Grendel, Raistlin's cat)
Raistlin: She comes to sit on my lap when I'm taking a shit.
Me: She must like the smell...
Raistlin: But my shit doesn't stink.. at least it doesn't stink like Michi's. Man... He's the worst.
Me: Like he's got a dead rat up there?
Raistlin: Yeah. I think that's where they buried Pipsi.(Pipsi was Hikaru's pet rat who died last year)
***
(We were eating Chinese food for dinner. Hik starts choking. When he'd finished coughing his guts up...)
Hik: I swallowed and got killed by a noodle.
***
Hik: (grabbing hold of my leg and hanging on) Mum - I'm in love with your foot!
***
Raistlin: I bet I was a Siamese twin and I've got another head inside me. (talking about the fact that he has one green eye and one brown eye)
***
Me: (To Raistlin) Give me all your bedclothes. I want them all nice and clean for when Robert sleeps in your bed tomorrow.
Michi: What kind of Robert?***
Michi: (crying) Edward isn't my friend anymore.
Hik: That's the way it is. It's easy to get friends anyway. You know what I do?
Me: What?
Hik: I pick them up by the neck and say 'be my freind!'***
Hik: What does 'mischief' mean again?
Me: Being naughty... like you are.
Hik: There's no proof though.***
Raist: Where's Grendel? (His cat)
Me: Last time I saw her, she was licking Roth. (Hik's pet rat)
Raist ARGH! That could be dangerous!
Hik: It's okay. It wasn't a 'yum yum' kind of lick.***
Hik: Remember I slept in Tony's worm bag...
Me: Worm bag? What's a worm bag?
Hik: You know - you sleep in it...
Me: A sleeping bag!***
Michi: You know the house was full of smoke the other day...
Me: Huh?
Michi: It's all right. It was an accident...
Me: ?????!!!!!***
Raistlin: I'm not Asian, I'm horizontal.
(He meant Oriental)
***
(After returning from the shop on an errand for me)
Hik: Mum, can I keep this change? I need to save up to buy a Michi extinguisher.
***
Hik: What do elves use as bow strings?
Me: Elf hair. That's why they all grow it long.
Hik: So I could use my hair as a bow string?
Me: You could, but these days we use nylon.
Hik: Cool! Upgrade.***
(Michi's hair is standing up all over)
Michi: (to Kaz) Look at my hair. I got an electric shock in bed.
Hik: (to me) Quote page?
Me: I think so.
Hikaru and Raistlin
***
(Talking about paintballing)
Hik: No stain, no pain.
***
Michi: I'm a teen-ager.
Hik: No you're not. You're a weird-ager.***
(I gave Hikaru some left over pie I'd made, to give to his pet rats)
Me: Did Sniff and Roth like it?
Hik: Yeah. They dived in. They're real fans of your cooking.
Me: Glad someone is.
Hik: Yeah, but they're only rats.***
Me: (to Hik) Could you make me a titanic cup of tea?
(Hik looks unsure)
Me: Do you know what titanic means?
Hik: No.
Me: Think of the ship Titanic. What was it, besides a ship?
Hik: Wet?***
Hik: (after saying something amusing) Is that going up on the quote page?
Me: No
Hik: Not funny enough, huh?
Me: No - but that is.***
Michi: I like everyone except for slow drivers.
***
Hik: What kind of animals will we have to cut open at secondary school?
Me: Rats... but you won't enjoy that will you?
Hik: No. It'll remind me of my pet rats.
Me: They cut open frogs, but you like frogs too, don't you?
Hik: Yeah... hmm... what can I dissect? I know! My brothers!***
Kaz: (my hubby) Michi is crazy.
Michi: No I'm not! Mum, can I argue with dad?
Me: Go ahead:
Michi: (to Kaz) STOP IT!***
Hik: (coming into the room and running around it)BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ - being a fly is hard, you know, mum.
Me: I hate flies and kill them if they come near me.
Hik: EEEEEEK! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (runs out of the room)***
The boys had a mad half hour and were pretending to be Egyptian. First they did the obligatory one hand forward, other back, sideways pose, then Michi announced that he was Anubis and that he knew why Egyptians always posed like that. He proceeded to jab Hik in the chest with his hand still held in the pose punctuating every word "Don't do that!"
Then he decided that Hik was the Eater and he was Thoth so he started writing everything down that Raist did that was bad... running commentary follows.
Michi: I'm Thoth. I'm writing down if he's a good boy. Hik, he's swearing. Eat his heart. Hik - he's fighting. Eat his heart. He's being a bad boy. Eat his heart...
Meanwhile, Raist dropped to his knees in true Egyptian kneeling style and jabbed Hik's balls. "Egyptian ninja fighting style," he announced.
"The Eater doesn't have balls," Hik replied in his best hissy eater voice.
Raist fought back as Michi commented...and wrote down in his pad.
Michi: Hik, he's fighting again. Eat his heart.
Hik: (groaning and rolling on the floor after Raist kicked him) The Eater can't. He's got a broken leg.
***
(while watching the 70's film 'Jesus Christ Superstar)
Raist: Jesus is a spoiled brat isn't he?
***
Hik: I was on the internet today.
Me: oh yeah..?
Hik: yeah... there's lots of flies on it...
Me: on what?
Hik: the web.
Me: <groan>***
Hik: mum, does Lars use black drumsticks?
Me: yes....
Hik: Are they really hard?
Me:yeees... they're made from aluminium.
Hik: Raist just made more for him. He put some chicken drumsticks under the grill and they got burned. Do you think Lars would use them?
Me: Please leave me alone.***
(Raist's friend Steve and me were talking about music. I was playing Led Zep.)
Steve: my mum's got some of their stuff on one of those big black CD's.
***
Hik: (to Raist) You're a son of a... (sees me looking at him) ...very nice lady.
***
(Scanning one of Michi's drawings)
Michi: How long will it take to scan?
Me: A few seconds.Michi: How long is a second?
Me: The time it take you to say elephant - like 1 elephant, 2 elephant... 1 mouse, 2 mouse..
Michi (giggling)
Me: No.. mouse is too small. It's got to be elephant or you can use hippopotumus.
Michi: But elephants are bigger than hippopotumuses.
Michi, Hik, Steve and Raist.
***
(Hikaru's New Year Resolutions - as told by Hik.)
1 - to stand up for myself
2 - to stop doing boring stuff.
3 - to stop talking shit.***
(After drawing a picture and writing the word 'mints' to illustrate what someone was eating)
Michi: Did I write that right?
Me: Yes.
Michi: Is Thoth pleased with me? (Thoth is the god of writing and knowledge)
Me: (busy with something) Yes he is, now go sacrifice a goat.
(Michi wanders off. A minute later comes back)
Michi: Where's the goat?***
(opening a Christmas card)
Hik: Phew. At least it's not blackmail.
***
(After drawing a picture and wanting to write what it is.)
Michi: Hik, how do you spell Golden Gate Bridge?
Hik: I. S.M.E.L.L. L.I.K.E. S.H.I.T.***
Raist: What's another word for shit?
Me: Faeces.
Raist: No wonder he beat the minotaur.
(Theseus beat the minotaur.)
***
(I was in the kitchen preparing dinner and singing a piece from Handel's Theodora)
Me: And crown you with glory, peace and rest...
Raistlin: Mum, why are you singing about peas and bread?***
(Bemoaning our various sicknesses)
Me: I feel like shit.
Hik: I feel useless.
Michi: I feel like ice cream***
(On going to the cinema)
Hik: I'm only coming because I'm good at eating popcorn.
***
(After meeting a friend's (very tall) 13 year old son for the first time.)
Me: How are you three getting on?
Hik: Fine - once we decided Robert wasn't a Martian***
(Inspired by watching the 'Terminator' films - bursts into the room, wearing body armour, holding a large plastic gun, several smaller guns and plastic knives tucked into clothes and on straps.)
Hik: Have a nice Easter, Gravy!
(hasta la vista, baby)
3 Monkeys
***
Me: MICHI! WHY IS THERE WATER DRIPPING THROUGH THE CEILING?
Michi: I accidently cleaned my teeth.***
(Banging his ankle on the table)
Hik: Ow - Ow!
Me: You okay?
Hik: Superficial damage, Captain.***
Me: what did you learn in French today?
Raist: J'ai trois positions.(I have three fish - it's supposed to be poisson)
***
(arguing over whether a rock is a rock or a stone)
Raist: It's a rock!
Hik: It's a stone!
Raist: Rock!
Hik: It can be anything you want it to be as long as it's a rock or a stone.***
Me: Could you make more tea? I'm thirsty this afternoon.
Raist: It's been Thursday ever since I got up.
Me: Thirsty! Not Thursday!***
(Talking about Egyptian gods)
Raist: Which one is that god... you know... the one with a head like a beef?
***
(Explaining sizes of paper to Raistlin)
Me: So - this larger one is A3... that one is A4... half smaller again is A5...
Raist: So is there an A10?
Me: (Doubtfully) I don't think so.
Raist: There is now. I invented it!***
Michi: I want to be a girl.
Me: You can't be a girl. You're a boy.
Michi: But I really, really want to be a girl. Why can't I be a girl?
Me: You have to have your dick cut off.
Michi: (long silence) Actually, I've changed my mind.***
(Explaining to Raistlin about a picture I'm drawing)
Me: It's Kirolan - a character from one of my stories. He's half cat, half human.
Raistlin: Can he lick his own butt?***
(Showing Hikaru a new photo of myself)
Me: That's me, that is.
Hik: I know. I can tell by your face.***
Hik: Let's play Chinese whispers.
Raist: Ok. You whisper something.
Hik: <putting mouth to Raistlin's ear>AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!***
(Eating a fortune cookie... )
Raist: What does yours say?
Hik: Help. I'm stuck in a fortune cookie factory.
Raist: Really?
Hik: No.Raistlin
***
After waiting outside another school for a freind. (secondary school - over 11-18).
Hik: I saw this really tiny kid. He was smaller than me.
Steve: Yeah. He's the smallest kid in school.
Hik: He's going to be a dwarf when he grows up. <pause> Oh no. He's not going to grow up is he?***
(From the window, watching neighbours fireworks being set off in the road.)
Jay: Raist. Was that good?
Raist: No. Bar-B-Q's are more interesting.***
(On the way home from school... )
Michi: We're on the motorway.
Hik: It's not the motorway, it's an A-road.
Michi: It's not. It's the motorway.
Hik: It's an A-road, you A-hole!Michi
***
Hik: I'll kill him with my bare lungs.
Me: Your bare lungs?
Hik: Yeah. I'll talk him to death!
***
Raist: I finally found my library book. Gods, if i'd lost it, i'd have to pay £10!
Hik: Can i read it?
Raist: Fuck you!***
Hik: This is more boring than watching a gecko licking its butt.***
(Me and hubby got back from a chinese restaurant.)
Michi: What did you eat?
Me: Duck
Michi: What kind of duck.
Hik: Dead duck of course.
Kaz: Peking duck.
Michi: How do they cook it?
Me: Roast it.
Hik: Rip its guts out, rip its feathers off and stick it in an oven.
Michi: What does it look like?
Me: Dark brown and crispy.
Raist: Then it should come from Africa. They're dark brown and crispy over there.
Me: Who are? The ducks or the people.
Hik: Both. Don't you know anything?***
(In the car on the way back from school, horrible smell wafts through the car...)
Me: Did one of you fart?
Michi: It wasn't me.
Hik: I didn't. The last time I farted was yesterday - in the morning.***
Me: (calling down the stairs) Raist? Where's Hik?
Raist: (being a grunty teenager) Dunno
Me: Could you make tea, then?
Raist: I know where he is. I have a mobile psychic connection.***
(Hikaru is playing with his rat Roth. Roth is tickling him under his t-shirt and Hik is enjoying it.)
Me: You're a sensualist aren't you?
Hik: What's that mean?
Me: When you do something just 'cos it feels nice.
Hik: Oh... like wanking?***
(In the car, putting a foil pie container over his face and moulding it to his features.)
Hik: Look! Emergency gimp.
***
(Raistlin came in, gave me a cup of tea.. then gave me a spoon and a yoghurt. I looked at him...)
Me: I didn't ask you to make tea.... what do you want?
Raist: You think I'm one of those kids who does something cos I want something? <rolls eyes> I knew when I was talking to you just now, that you'd ask me to make tea.
Me: But... I didn't.
Raist: Damn... made tea for nothing!***
Hikaru: Mum, do you think it's a stupid idea to drive with your teeth?
***
Me: You know, you'll be doing the 2nd world war in history at some point - and will probably have to do a project. If thats so, choose Bomber Command. I could help you.
Raist: Yeah. You can do it for me. Hehehe... I'll pay you. No I won't... I need to save my money - or... do I need to save my time? I hate wasting time... hmmmmm.. time or money? <considers> I'll pay you!***
(While watching S&M by Metallica)
Raist: Kirk shouldn't lift his guitar like that when he's got a hard on.
***
(...Still watching S&M)
Raist: This is your fave song, isn't it mum... damn... what's it called... don't tell me.. begins with a U
Me: nope.
Raist: It's.... it's... I can't remember.....
Michi: (at other end of room and not even listening) Outlaw Torn.
Raist: Don't you ever forget anything?
Michi: What does forget mean?***
Raist: Hey, mum, guess what I saw today.
Me: You saw James Hetfield bonking an aardvark in the middle of the street?
Raist: You're a pervert!
Me: At least I wasn't the one who spotted Kirk's hard on.
Raist: You couldn't miss it.
Me: True - but you noticed it.
Raist: <after long silence> Anyway... guess what I saw today.***
Michi: Muuuum... you know elephants, yeah...
Me: Yeah.
Michi: What do you do with them?***
(Hik got a postcard from his 18 year old au pair friend in France... I suggested it might be nice if he wrote one back in French.)
Hik: (whining) But I only know Bonjour and Merci!
Hik: (brightening) But you can speak French can't you... Can you write it too?***
(Conversation at dinner table.)
Hikaru: (eating fresh salmon eggs) Can this hatch into a fish?
Me: No. It hasn't been fertilised.
Hikaru: Dad, you've got a big dick - fertilise this.
Raist: You've been looking.
Me: He has NOT got a big dick!Hikaru
***
Michi: Why do sheep's fur get shaved off?
Me: So we can make clothes.
Michi: But sheep don't wear clothes!***
(In the car on the way back home from school with Raist and his friend Steve.)
Me: You remember Lisa - your tutor? She's going to start teaching you again.
Raist: Shit! I haven't done my homework.
Steve: When did you have to do it by?
Raist: Two years ago.***
(On the way home from school)
Me: So, Raist... did anyone notice your new haircut?
Raist: Yeah.. but my cheeks man. They'd better get thinner or I'll kill them...
Hik: (from back of car) Die, cheeks! <bang> Eeeek!***
Hik: That's it, Raist - tomorrow, 12 o clock - chewing practise.
***
A couple of old ones...
(on phone)
Tony: Hello, Hik, how are you?
Hik: I'm very little.***
Raist: (to Michi) Don't put water in the electric socket, otherwise everything will go blue lightning and everyone will see your skeleton.
***
