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Happy Kitschmas!
Article printed in Church Times, December 2003.
Christians love to bemoan the commercialism of Christmas, but in fact few do tawdry merchandising better than we. So Ship of Fools celebrates the season with an annual search for the most tasteless sacred stocking fillers - those more likely to send a shiver down the spine than carols at King's.
At the top of our Kitschmas tree this year is the Jesus fairy. Resplendent in white robes and gold crown, this unseasonally mature Christ figure holds out nail-scarred palms and lights up when plugged in. The producers of the Jesus Tree Topper are an Ohio company called, with disconcerting frankness, Christian Dollar. It's constructed in China, which conjures the happy image of atheists in factories lovingly applying the nail prints and facial hair.
Then, from Stillwater, Minnesota, we have the Bobblehead Jesus and Mary. These are six-inch figures that stand on the back shelf of your automobile, blessing those behind you and nodding compassionately. Mary serenely treads down a serpent, while Jesus comes with a free 1-inch Bible (and magnifying glass). Also available in the Bobblehead range are Jesus-as-American-footballer and, for the patriotic, Saddam, trouserless and being invaded by a US weapon of mass destruction.
The frisbee of faith is an invaluable evangelistic tool. It's ideal for innocent beach holiday fun; and when an unsaved stranger joins in, you point out the small print on the underside: three short instructions on 'Making the disc fly right', then four very long ones on 'Making your life fly right'. All this and the prodigal son too. Unusually for a US product, this aide-salut is available in Welsh, Romanian, and even French.
At the other end of the price scale is the flying cathedral. This is a genuine hot-air balloon, modelled precisely on St Gallen Cathedral, towers and all, in baroque nylon. The perfect gift for a flying bishop, the cathedral is designed and built in the Czech republic, and available from all good ecclesiastical aviation outlets.
Also at the pricier end of the tat market, we have the Glow-in-the-dark Tomb. This is a solar-powered sepulchre from Austria for the deceased who has everything. Its makers offer not only 'eternal light', but a computerised LED epigraph, which they intriguingly suggest "can always be modified over a PC interface and adapted to a certain extent to the needs of the dead one". Perhaps we are supposed to use this to show a countdown of days left in purgatory.
The one British contender is a little more down to earth (if you can get more down to earth than the grave). It's the Lord of the Kings jigsaw puzzle. In the tradition of church notice board posters piggybacking on the lastest and not so latest movies ("Church - not just for weddings and a funeral"), this is promotional merchandise for the film that never was. It offers 100 pieces of rugged, tea-towelled faces, a big star and a little donkey, and an inspirational tagline: "See the big picture this Christmas".
The Mother Teresa with Baby figurine caught our eye for one spectacular reason. There she is in her blue and white headdress, looking down in love at the infant in her arms - the only thing wrong (with the possible exception of the $42 price tag), is that the child is as white as Bing Crosby's Christmas. Evidently, for all that stuff about the slums of Calcutta, her real soft spot was for gleaming white babies of the West.
If you're technologically minded enough to get the cover off your mobile phone, why not replace it with the crucifix phone cover? This Japanese wonder in laser-cut silver and flashing, multicoloured lights presents the passion of Our Lord before wide-eyed commuters, for only $49.95. Everytime it rings, the passion flashes before your eyes. It's a glowing testimony of your faith. Why just use your phone for mere words, when you can use it to proclaim The Word?
The next award-winner is an award itself. The Jesus hug statuette depicts Jesus sharing a big manly hug with a godly young man, with the inscription "Well done, good and faithful servant." Boasting 10lb of durable poly-resin, with a hand-antiqued, bronze-effect finish, what better way is there to show your appreciation (and His) to the man of God in your life?
The Jesus ashtray offers the ultimate in aversion therapy. Not only does it declare 'Jesus hates it when you smoke', but that countenance divine stares balefully at you from the bottom of bowl, making it hard for you to stub out your butts without desecrating it.
Then there is the special Christmas nail in a box. The 5-inch nail, decorated with festive red ribbon, comes in a green cardboard box with a Christmas poem:
In Bethlehem the child was born to bring God's love to earth,
And angels sang and shepherds came to praise Him at His birth.
But when the child became a man, the praise soon ceased to be.
And with their hearts all filled with hate, men nailed Him to a tree.
A gift for those too fixated with death to celebrate Christmas without a cross.
Finally, we have the 'Jesus Saves' billboard for train sets. Half-inch Hornby plastic people need the Lord too, so now you can subject them to an inescapable evangelistic message as they do the rounds. Made from specially imported ultra-thin plywood in California, the billboard ensures that your passengers will be bound for glory.
