Welcome gardening fans and growers everywhere. You've reached the internet's top site for tips on how to get your garden looking like some fancy flash country house or something.
And I should know, cos I'm great when it comes to playing with plants and stuff. Here's my top tips for this month.
- You may feel cruel killing pesky snails when you find them amongst ya plants. Take a tip from me, relieve the guilt by throwing the
creatures onto a busy road. That way they have a chance to escape before being run over.
- Don't buy yer bedding plants til late may, the buggers only die in the frost. It may be nice today, but just you wait till tonight...
- Don't try to pull up perrenial weeds like dandelion. It just makes them angry.
- Don't be a tight arse, buy a green house, it save filling all ya windowsills up with plants and crap
A greenhouse - I want to get one of these devices.
- Don't put woody stuff in your compost heap, especially holly trimmings. It never bloody rots.
- My dad says don't waste money on expensive lawn treatments cos Which? magazine said normal Growmore is as good as most and only costs four quid for 25kg
- Don't grow vegetables cos they're crap compared to the ones in Tesco and are too much hassle.
- Don't buy stuff. Steal it from other peoples gardens.
- When you come home drunk, piss on your compost. It's good for it. When I was ten I went to the Centre for Alternative Technology in Wales. Apart from turning me into
a green fingered hippy, they also collected ya piss and used it for their compost. I thought this was very, very funny.
- Ignore that bit about growmore on lawns, i've decided it's crap.
- I went back to the Centre for Alternative Technology this summer. It's not as good, they no longer collect ya piss, but they do have a special compost toilet.
- Eat ya strawberries before the bastard birds and slugs do.
- Why waste money on a new lawnmower when getting your hands covered in oil, your lawn covered in petrol, your ears damaged by noise and ripping your arms off trying to start your ten year old Mounfield is such fun.
That'll do for now. Back soon with more top tips.
Three greenhouses - This would be cool.
