FLURBY JIM NOT DEAD
In a shock announcement today, Flurby Jim declared to Thomas Harte that he is not, as was previously thought, dead.
It was only months ago that the world feared for F.Jim. Paul Britton, a well known associate of a surprising majority of both the over and underworld was even heard to say in public 'I am so upset I may give up listening to REM and grow my hair a little' (lie).
It was the night of the 18th of March that F.Jim was last seen, leaving his house dressed in only a dish cloth and a kettle. And a suit. It was four days later, when his wife, Herby Flo (henceforth referred to as 'Deidre' - we don't know why) on returning from an important business trip to the end of the garden discovered that he had yet to return home.
"The first thing I noticed was that we still had four walls downstairs. You see, whenever he comes home, Flurby likes to eat a wall. This is why they do not let him into mazes. Anyway, no walls had been eaten in at least three days. Some of them did not even have ketchup on them" - Deidre (Herby Flo)
Before too long, a note turned up. And shortly after that, a ransom letter from F.Jim's kidnappers was delivered to Deidre by former video game star, the ship from Space Invaders.
"It's hard, you know? I've been out of work almost 20 years now. These guys, right, they came up to me in the street, and they said they were really appreciative of my work. I've had bit parts since, and they were up on all of them. Even my role alongside Leonardo Dicaprio in the lesser known disaster film 'a trip in Kirstin's car'. I needed some cash, so I delivered the note for them. Only problem was, I forgot to ask for any money" - the ship from Space Invaders.
the ransom note
The potential loss of F.Jim led to outrage amongst the civilised world. Tony Blair and William Hague came together to offer the kidnappers cash for questions. Or at least so R. Tracey, a notorious stripper would have us believe. Burt Reynolds was instrumental in handing out free pairs of glasses to anyone who would join the hunt. And the kidnappers kept telling everyone it was too late and that F.Jim was dead. For some never readily explained reason, no-one cared.
That was until a gravestone was found! It read, simply :
artist's impression
And the world was shocked. Episodes of Grange Hill which had F.Jim as a guest star were quickly re-edited, with new dialogue spliced in, to be respectful. Whereas the script had originally read :
| TUCKER | Hello flurby Jim! We love you! |
| F.Jim | I love you too! |
| TUCKER | You know, I especially love your work with small children and laughing cows |
| F.Jim | Thanks. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be off! I have small animals to hug! |
| TUCKER | Hooray! Bye bye! |
Soon became :
| TUCKER | Hello flurby Jim! We love you! |
| Denise Van Outen | Bad news, he is dead. Sorry to have to break it to you. |
| TUCKER | You know, I especially love your work with small children and laughing cows |
| Denise Van Outen | That isn't me, that was Flurby Jim. And he is dead. For your disrespect, I will have to thrash you to within an inch of someone else's life. I'll just go get my special cane. |
| TUCKER | Hooray! Bye bye! |
This programme was later banned from broadcast by an irate BBC official. Because his wife had left him, and he was in a bad mood. This does not matter now.
In coming back, F.Jim has proved himself once again a master of supreme irony. Though he was kidnapped, police (and Burt Reynolds) now believe by tuna separatists, and even forced to forget how to spell his own name, he has been attempting to regain the energy to come back home for many months. Indeed if the finder of the gravestone had not been blind from the nose down, she might have rotated the stone through 90 degrees to discover :
And Burt Reynolds never did find his way home. It may not surprise you to find out that we do not know why.