Flurby Jim Employed Again!

After a long stint out of work, Flurby Jim has finally found new employment. His new job is answering problem page letters in a leading magazine that cannot be named due both to legal reasons and because the editor is too stupid to think of one.


Though he does not begin in an official capacity until next week, his job interview involved him writing in a sample reply, which was leaked to us earlier today by a confidential and anonymous source. Named Rupert 'the bear' Jabelman. Here it is :

Dear sir, madam or ostrich,

I have a terrible problem. You see, it goes something like this. You see, I was part of this big huge family full of brothers and only one sister. One of my brothers was this blonde haired dude who got married to a neighbour, another was a successful business man who later had a breakdown but recovered - and my sister left for a long time only to come back looking very different. Anyway, I was just your average girl, you know, going to the local school - getting into japes - trying to avoid the head teacher who conveniently enough somehow always ended up living in my street, and I changed quite a bit over the years. Quite significantly while I was still at home, overnight noticeably on one occasion. Then I went to america for a bit, and when I came back my hair colour had even changed for no apparent reason - and confusingly I was a couple of years older than I should have been. Anyway, with my mother (long since divorced and died) and step mother (also once changed radically and then died) gone, I hoped I would be okay. But then my father died and his evil girlfriend took the opportunity to run away with all his money. But here is the hardest part - now I no longer exist, completely forgotten where I came from!

Lucy Robinson

Dear Lucy, I think your problem is that you are an antellope! Haha - weren't expecting me to figure that out, were you! Well, unfortunately you gave it away with your phoenetic stylings. Haha, hehe, hoo hoo! Woo! Everybody in the house of love! Don't you think shortening 'East-17' to 'E-17' is unfortunate given the circumstances? Quite frankly I don't! Woo-eee-ooo I look just like Buddy Holly. Not really. I'm a little thinner. And he had a face. Not to mention a record contract! Or a plaice.

More seriously, my mothers dead.

What you should do to alleviate the problem of non-existence . . . and I found this a useful tip myself, is to find some odd bloke to write about your adventures in a mock news report styling on a web page - even though they never actually occured. Speaking of which, my web page is scheduled to open in about 36 years time and should rival the one which carries news of what I actually did.

Less seriously, you should consider a comeback as a chart musician. Just like your old mate, Beth.

Unfortunately, due to the lack of readers, the magazine in question has been forced to appeal via other sources for problem page letters. Send them here, or suffer the consequences.