Herby Flo Cooks for Christmas

Herby Flo - the woman once [erroneously] described as the most interesting woman ever married to Flurby Jim - today discovered it was her turn this year to cook for 'the gang'.


'the gang' consists of Flurby Jim, Bill, BatBloke & Dobin, Vason Jann, a few pygmy sheep and notorious gangster Leonard 'crazy face' Laxinger. Well known for his spell in gaol with reference to illegally exciting dancing, Mr. Laxinger was included only on last minute orders from his 'solicitor'. Herby Flo cooked sprouts, a potato, three Lasagne's and notorious gangster Leonard 'crazy face' Laxinger. When compared, last years attempt by Bill featured at least a 100% human meat deficit.

That is all a bit dull when compared to christmas with the Corrs. A transcript of their Christmas follows this promotional picture (recall the 'same height but different distances perpendicular to the view plane' rule) :

The Corrs promotional picture

(Mother is sitting at table, arranging plates for tea. The Corrs enter)

Corr #1 Hello, mother!
Mother Hello! So good to see you
Corr #1 Look, we're all here
Corr #2 Hi
Corr #3 Hello
Mother Hello, girls. You've had another good year, I know. Very well done, keeping up the momentum without a new album or anything like that.
Corr #1 We thought so.
Jim Hello, mother!
Mother Who are you?
Jim I'm your son, Jim! Don't you recall me hanging around the house when I was young?
Mother Not really. So you've come back for Christmas too, have you? I'll have to set an extra place. What've you been doing all year?
Jim I'm in the band too!
Mother I've never seen you
Jim I sit on the end and play guitar.
(Jim pulls a cheque from his pocket)

Jim Look, a pay cheque! Clearly stating that I get 2% of all generated royalties with respect to our music. It used to be more like 30% until we swapped from the 'wages related to music input' scheme to the more prevalent 'wages related to space taken up on promotional materials' plan.
Mother If he plays guitar, what do the rest of you do?
Corr #1 I have marginally muscley arms, therefore I must be the drummer
Corr #2 I sing ...
Mother Yes, I recognised you.
Corr #3 So, ummm, I dunno, maybe I play Celtic pipes or something. We are an Irish band after all.
Mother Hmmmm. What about songs without Celtic pipes?
Corr #3 We don't do those. Think about it - we're an Irish band. If we can't profit from using and degrading our ancestory, what can we do in life?
Mother I used to say the same thing to your father. I can't quite remember now, but he was probably a brick layer. That sounds about right, doesn't it? Anyway, he didn't seem to think Celtic or Gaelic anything was much to do with him.
Jim What about Celtic or Gaelic bricks?
Mother Who are you again?
Jim Your son! Please remember me, mother.
Mother Are you sure you're my child? I always though my children were ... less manly.
Jim Mother! That's just the daughters.
Mother I thought I only had daughters
Jim *sniff*
(Bono & The Edge from U2 enter)

Bono Hello
Mother You're not more children of mine are you?
Bono No, we're half of U2. The other Irish band who actually play instruments. We thought we'd drop in and say 'Hi'. Even though it is several hundred miles out of our way.
Corrs #1,2,3 Hello!
Jim Hello
Bono (to The Edge) Who's he?
The Edge I don't know that. But hey, I've got a crazy moustache! Look at me!
Bono Shut up about that.
The Edge I'm called 'The Edge'! Aren't I crazy! Pay me attention, now.
Bono Stop going on about it.
The Edge But I play guitar, have a crazy moustache and am called 'The Edge'! Surely everyone must love me!
Bono Right, I've had enough. You're out of the band!
The Edge You can't kick me out of the bank, look, I stand at the side and look like a fool playing guitar! Love me.
Jim Would you say you just looked like a fool, or more that you looked out of place? I can associate with the latter
Bono I wonder if we could get Johnny Marr to replace you. Because he'd fit in well!
Mother What about John Squire?
Bono A consideration, surely. He's not got a silly moustache like you do, the Edge.
The Edge I'm not talking to you.
Bono If you're just going to be childish then I'm heading back to Dublin. Bye.
(Bono leaves)

The Edge Wait! We're meant to besharing a car for the trip, wait for me!
(The Edge leaves)

Corr #1 I'm glad they're gone. They were starting to get on my nerves.
Mother But look, they left one behind.
Jim No, mother! No! I'm one of the Corrs! I'm your son, Jim. I used to sleep in the room at the end of the upstairs corridor.
Mother That's meant to be the spare room! No wonder guests always complained, we had some runaway hiding in there and pretending to be related to us! I could set the police on you!
Jim The Gouda, mother. This is Ireland. If you're quiet you can hear the Boyzone music carrying in the wind. Or is it Westlife?

NOTE FROM REPORTER : That's all I can be bothered to type about that.