Smitheson-Jameson Recounts Lost Youth

Today the funniest thing ever happened to Flurby Jim. But you'll have to take that on trust, because this story is pretty much what it says in the title. You cretin. BOOM BOOM

"I remember when I was young. My mother always used to kick me in the teeth. She said it was because one of them was slightly crooked, so she was straightening it out, and the ends justified the means. To which I would say something like 'and the trains always ran on time under Mussolini'.

But as my dad pointed out, it probably wasn't that the trains ran on time, just that anyone who was ever aware or the cause of a train running late was shot. Its a shame really that they don't operate the same scheme here, in Britain. Although on the other hand, it isn't so much of a shame because over the last two years, they'd have had to shoot everybody. Except my uncle Alf. He's the best liar in the world! If he said he had no recollection of any late running trains, they'd believe him and let him off.

Once when I was young, and I was sent to his house after school, and he told me it was because my parents were dead. I was so upset. We even went to the wake. I remember having read how different people look when dead. And they did. Their skin was leathery and smooth, and they looked so peaceful. Also, my father was about two feet taller, my mother was a man, and I'd grown an extra parent. Which is not to mention that their faces had changed. And I didn't recognise a single one of the other people who came. And the extra parent had tusks.

Anyway, I cried every night for two weeks. Until my parents came home from a holiday they'd been having in Spain! How we all laughed. Well, they did anyway. And then my mother kicked me in the teeth." - Smitheson-Jameson

BOOM BOOM

That poor guy. Meanwhile, this response from a well known film star :

And this thought from a heathen :

"Do you think when preachers talk of the gospel ... 'according to Matthew', they are casting aspersions?" - a heathen

In an unrelated story, Vason Jann was surprised yesterday to come home from work and discover that he had a broken collar bone. Some doctors I called did the humane thing and put him down. Then they charged me £20,000 in non-sequential notes and left, very quickly, in a vehicle with no number plates.

BOOM BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's story was co-edited by Basil Brush.