It follows the appearance of Flurby Jim's grandfather, Enaurgle "such names were the fashion at the time" Jim in a rare pilot for the ITV show several years ago. You see :
| Doctor | You don't have long to live. But I'll see that your last few days are relatively happy. Nurse, double this man's ibuprofen, and bring him some chocolate and stuff! |
| Enaurgle Jim | I don't want to be a burden. |
| Doctor | And also, nurse, triple this man's morphine dose. |
Actually, that character must be a really good doctor, because he was right : Enaurgle was dead by morning.
"You wake up every day aware that another week has passed without you fulfilling your self made obligation to finally make the world aware of what you are. And then you realise you're just average - you look average, you act averagely and you think average things. And then you may say to yourself : this is not my car." - the man from Talking Heads, one time he messed the lyrics up
Anyway, showing just the sort of regard for copyright law you'd expect from a loveless drunk (you know, just for example), I've managed to steal a copy of the script for Flurby Jim's pantomime. Here :
| Jitsu Dude | (to audience) I'm a member of the Jiu-Jitsu society. It is for this reason that people love me. |
(Orphan Boy enters)
| Orphan Boy | Can I join? I'm only an orphan boy whom nobody loves. |
| Jitsu Dude | No. But your more popular friends can. Indeed anyone can, except you |
| Orphan Boy | *sniff* |
(Orphan Boy runs off. An Old Man enters)
| Old Man | Hello, young man |
| Jitsu Dude | Good day to you, old man |
| Old Man | You wouldn't believe just how much better my life has been since I discovered Jiu-Jitsu. Of course, I'm not entirely persuaded of this, but someone in relative authority told me so, so by virtua of the inherent stupidity many of my kind share, I entirely believe it |
| Jitsu Dude | That's nice to know. Good day! |
(Old Man leaves)
| Jitsu Dude | (to audience) Actually, most people find their life only improves here. This you must believe. |
(scene changes to a field, where the Orphan Boy is crying. After half a minute or so it changes back)
| Jitsu Dude | Who is this approaching? |
| Barnado | God save the king! |
| Jitsu Dude | Barnado? |
| Barnado | He. Have you heard the goss? |
| Jitsu Dude | No, what? |
| Barnado | Apparently, the oprhan boy is raising an army in order to return and defeat you. |
| Jitsu Dude | That is interesting. |
(scene changes to Old Man. He is sitting, staring at a picture of the Queen. After half a minute it changes back)
| Jitsu Dude | Does he have the backing of the king of France? |
| Barnado | Unlikely. And isn't France a fairly socialist republic? |
| Jitsu Dude | No. You must be thinking of, ummm, Sweden. Good day! |
(Barnado leaves)
| Jitsu Dude | It is because of my Jitsu skills that I am not mortal in the general sense. |
(scene changes back to Orphan Boy in field. Barnado enters)
| Barnado | Have you heard the goss? |
| Orphan Boy | No, what? Are my parents still alive? |
| Barnado | No. And I should know (!) |
| Orphan Boy | What? |
| Barnado | Oh, nothing. Anyway, the news : that Jitsu guy reckons you could never raise an army and defeat him, even if your life depended upon it. Which it does. |
(scene returns to Jitsu Dude, now joined by Jitsu Apprentice)
| Jitsu Apprentice | So, I must ask, is this a correct punch? |
(he kicks the air in front of him)
| Jitsu Dude | No, that is a kick. Remember this simple rhyme : "punching uses hands, but kicking uses feet. Woo-hoo-heet". That rhyme comes courtesy of the Simon & Garfunkel school of rhyming. |
| Jitsu Apprentice | Okay, nice one! But listen, will I ever be any good at Jitsu? |
| Jitsu Dude | Well, no. But you should learn enough to impress your cretinous friends and improve your laughably poor life at least a little |
(Orphan Boy enters)
| Orphan Boy | I am back to defeat you! |
| Jitsu Dude | Quick, apprentice, go for the throat! |
(the Apprentice attacks the Orphan Boy's ankle)
| Orphan Boy | That won't stop me! I will destroy you! I must, since my parents are dead. |
| Jitsu Dude | You and who's army? |
(Orphan Boy looks around. He is alone)
| Orphan Boy | Hold that thought! Hold it in the same way as I was never held as a child on account of the death of my parents. |
(Orphan Boy exits. Old Man enters)
| Old Man | Is it Tuesday? |
| Jitsu Dude | No, old man, it is Friday. |
(Old Man turns to exit)
| Jitsu Dude | And, old man, when shop keepers ask for 25 pence, they mean 5 shillings. Just remember this : "5 shillings is 25 pence. Woo-hoo-hence" |
| Old Man | Thank you, young man |
| Jitsu Dude | Good day! |
(Old Man exits)
| Jitsu Apprentice | Boy, I sure fought him off! |
(scene changes back to Orphan Boy and Barnado in field)
| Orphan Boy | Oh wait, raise an army you said? |
| Barnado | I hate you. And this does not make me unique. |
(scene changes to Old Man. He is now staring at a picture of Winston Churchill. Eventually it returns to the Orphan Boy, now with an army)
| Orphan Boy | So, the plan is simple : we storm the Dojo and kill the Jiu-Jitsu dude, making him at least as dead as my parents. |
| Soldier | Could we not just make friends with him and all be happy? |
| Barnado | Shut up. Right now. |
(scene changes back to Jitsu Dude and Apprentice)
| Jitsu Dude | I am happy because all the girls love me |
(Jitsu Apprentice waves him arms in a greatly excited manner)
| Jitsu Dude | No, no. We communicate using our vocal chords and mouth. |
| Jitsu Apprentice | Silly me! |
(Orphan Boy enters with army)
| Orphan Boy | I have returned. Unlike my parents that time they fell from a cliff. |
(Jitsu Dude kicks Orphan Boy in the face really hard)
| Orphan Boy | I am dead. Much like Henry VIII |
(Orphan Boy dies. Some girls enter)
| Girls | We love you, Jitsu Dude! |
(scene changes to Old Man. He is staring at a picture of Vera Lyn. And Smiling. scene returns to Jitsu Dude)
| Jitsu Dude | We won! Hip hip ... |
| Girls, Barnado and Soldier | Horay! |
| Jitsu Apprentice | Kazoo! |
Sources suggest that Flurby Jim will be playing Barnado. They also suggest I give their wallets back before they phone the police. Paul Britton has no comment.