"Go through the doors,
put the card in the security lock,
take the next left,
go right, then right again"
Billy read the instructions once more,
but they still ended with go do r b ok,
the gaps were filled with big blue blotches.
"Shit"
He thought,
why did it have to rain today.
But he knew deep in his heart it hadn't been raining.
His brain was m ss ng l tt rs out of h s s ntanc s.
Something w s v ry wrong in d.
"Do you need any help there?"
He turned round to see possibly the most gorgeous lady standing before him.
"Have you an appointment?"
She asked giving him a very odd stare.
"I'm ex t" He said,
but she had already moved on down the queue.
Snideblast opened his office door widely.
"I've been expecting you Billy"
He sneered.
"W t is goin o ?" Screamed Billy.
Snideblast could control himself no longer.
First a smile,
and then sounds of the cruelest laughter.
The endless replays of previous experiments
he had had to look through before he could make his report to his superiors
had taken their toll.
Only the sound of a distant explosion stopped the obscene outburst.
The sudden noise brought them both back to reality momentarily
and their eyes locked together in a mutual agony.
"It's a trap" Snideblast said,
pointing to a small contraption made of metal
with a piece of Red Leicester protruding from its pinnacle.
"That mouse is sure in for some sort of surprise"
He added, laughing hysterically.
The door burst open followed by two men dressed entirely in turquoise.
"Up against th wall m f rs"
Automatics pointed directly at his head,
Billy only had one choice -
to rely on his ancient knowledge of Taki-Hamo-Kalatrapi -
the little known Japanese martial art of self defence.
Flashing his eyelids open he hit his attackers with the full force of his bloodshot eyes.
"You've still got the trousers" Shouted the appointment lady,
slightly pointlessly as Presely pushed the syringe deep into his temple.
The hard-on in his trousers grew.
The mouse suddenly at this point in time decided to eat.
The door swung open to reveal a row of sharp incisors made of kitchen implements.
Various pieces of mangled office furniture spewed out from the doorstep.
"Stop!" Billy cried as the secretary deftly removed his Levi 501s.
Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion,
the corners of the room were blurred and grainy like an old black and white movie.
Meanwhile the secretary was entwining.
It was an ancient form of relaxation.
It was shit.
The answer to true relaxation was LS35-J,
straight to the brain he thought.
Things were rapidly brought to a climax as the rodent bit into his posterior.
Momentarily thrown in the air,
the assistant landed upon the two writhing assailants and began to tear their clothing off.
Billy looked on dumbfounded.
Dr Snideblast began talking into his portable tape recorder
"Are there things that want to go forward,
when they really should go back,
where is the life that this resembles,
where is the fiction,
where is the fact?"
The room sudenly turned pitch black.
Billy, who had walked acoss the ceiling and was now standing directly above the mouse,
found his feet were slowly sinking through the ceiling to the floor above.
His first sight when his head emerged on the next floor was a
number four iron swinging towards his head.
"Fore.."
A voice mumbled in an Italian accent.
Billy moved his head just in time to avoid the swinging club only to see the golfers face,
strangely familiar,
not unlike his own in fact.
On seeing his own head appear the rhythm of his swing suffered a little
and he only managed to catch the ear.
Simultaneously both shouted
"..Tea"
Snideblast pressed stop on his video player and said,
beaming smile on his face,
"Now what can I do for you today Billy?"

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