SEXUAL MORALITY
(Comments: Tony.Papard@btinternet.com)
Traditional Christian sexual morality dictates that marriage between one man and one woman is for life, and that all sexual relationships outside this arrangement are taboo, or to use Christian terminology, 'sinful'.
In today's multi-cultural and often secular society this Christian model is fast being abandoned. Many couples now co-habit without bothering to go thru a wedding ceremony, and the number of children born out of wedlock is actually the majority in some areas of the United Kingdom. No longer does being born of unmarried parents carry the stigma it once did.
In our multi-cultural society there are various religious traditions, but by and large everybody has to conform to the legal requirements of the nation. This means polygamy is unlawful for instance, as are enforced marriages. These practices are by no means confined to non-Christian religions. Some members of the Christian Mormon sect still practise polygamy in the U.S. state of Utah and elsewhere, and in the Greek-Orthodox traditions of Cyprus arranged marriages were once the norm. My father came to England to escape an arranged marriage, and the poor woman (my aunt) was forced to marry his brother.
Gay couples are increasingly trying to ape conventional Christian heterosexual marriage by going thru wedding ceremonies. This is fine if it suits the couple concerned, but this is by no means the only model for relationships. Gay marriage does not yet have any legal status in many countries, but I would say that being able to register your partnership in order to obtain official State recognition, inheritance, pension and next-of-kin rights is the essential thing, not whether it is called 'marriage' or something else.
Of course the exclusive sexual relationship between two people committed to each other for life which traditional Christian marriage entails, does not suit everybody. The amount of separations and divorces, and sex outside marriage, suggests absolutely faithful monogamy may be a minority choice even in Christian communities.
The majority of gay couples I know who have been together 20, 30 years or more no longer have a sexual relationship with each other. The relationship, which started out as sexual, has developed into something else. Call it a deep friendship, partnership, companionship or a spiritual platonic love, but in only a minority of cases does the sexual element survive. This was certainly true of my own 21 year partnership, which transcended the sexual and became something much more profound. We were soul-mates, sharing a spiritual love which has survived my partner's death and continues to this day. We used to cuddle up on cold Winter nights, but sex hardly entered into our relationship except at the very beginning. Not having had experience of heterosexual relationships, I can't say if this is the norm for man/woman long-term partnerships.
Certainly gay relationships tend to be far more complicated, since sexual incompatibility is a big problem which certainly featured in my relationship with my partner. In a heterosexual sexual relationship the man and woman are usually fairly certain of their roles - the physical process is relatively straightforward, although there are problems when one partner does not sufficiently take into consideration the needs of the other. But with gay relationships it is much more complex as there are no set roles for either partner. Two passive gay men, for instance, will find it virtually impossible to have a fulfilling sexual relationship, as would two active gay men. Fortunately many gay men are what is known as 'versatile', but this can still lead to a less than fulfilling sexual relationship especially if one partner is wholly passive or active and the versatile one feels they are missing out.
Due to the nature of the male gay scene, and the promiscuous sexuality of men generally, plus the fact that monogamous gay relationships have in the past by and large remained unrecognized, most gay men have had multiple sex partners. In traditional Christian heterosexual marriage friendship came first, then courtship, followed by engagement, marriage and only then did the sexual relationship become permissible. With gay men everything is reversed. Sex is often with complete strangers, and if the two are compatible sexually and in other ways a friendship may develop which could lead to an emotional attachment and long-term partnership. Even in this day and age of gay marriage it is absolutely impossible to meet someone in a gay venue, court them and become engaged and then married without ever having had a sexual relationship. Well if it has happened, I have never heard of it.
Many people may not desire a one-to-one exclusive sexual relationship for life. Even within long-term relationships there are many alternative models such as a menage a trois, partner-swopping, multiple partners (polygamy, etc.). Who is to say these alternative models are immoral?
My sexual morality may be quite different to yours or the traditional Christian one, but who is to say it is wrong? For instance, to me sex with relative strangers has always been the norm. A sexual relationship with a close friend or a life-partner seems almost incestuous to me. Similarly, in the gay world, a sexual relationship between a man and a woman seems not only perverse and unnatural, but even indecent. Men and women don't usually share public conveniences for reasons of common decency, so to share a bedroom let alone a bed may seem positively an affront to all decent moral standards, whether they are married or not. However, we keep these private opinions to ourselves, we don't condemn men and women who choose to sleep together. (Procreation is no longer an excuse - artificial insemination is now available which doesn't result in unwanted pregnancies and over-population of the world! Nature may have made heterosexual relationships necessary for this reason, but science has rendered this necessity obsolete.)
What I am trying to say is that sexual morality is in the mind/physical make-up of the beholder, in effect. If it seems right and natural to you, so long as no innocent or unwilling party is involved, then it is morally right for you. However don't impose your sexual morality on others. It is certainly not up to the State or the legal profession to dictate sexual morality; only to protect minors and the rights of everybody not to be subject to enforced marriage or enforced sexual activity of any kind.
You may feel a sexual relationship between a man and a woman married for 40 years is morally acceptable, I might feel such a relationship is unnatural and almost incestuous (which is defined as 'sex between close family members'). It might seem to me that once you have learned to love someone deeply on a spiritual level and to see them first and foremost as a person, a living eternal spirit, rather than a sex object, then any kind of sexual aspect cheapens and devalues the relationship. I certainly feel my relationship with my partner developed far beyond the sexual to a spiritual level, and judging from most of my gay friends in long-term relationships a non-sexual companionship of deep love and caring for each other is the norm. Sexual needs are satisfied elsewhere, outside the long-term emotional relationship, and who is to say this is morally right or morally wrong?Different strokes for different folks, as the saying goes - if it is right for you and your partner, nobody else should pass judgment.