The Goldfish Bowl Syndrome

Marlborough. This rural market town isn't exactly Albert Square or Ramsay Street, but I do wonder occasionally whether I am actually living my life in a soap opera. My doctor and dentist live on the same postman route, and old classmates frequently drop into work. It's not a good place to people watch as there's not much variety. It's the same stereotypical people on a loop. Goldfish swimming round and around a bowl.

Now don't think for one moment that life is high drama. I don't know anyone who is having a passionate affair with his or her half-sibling BUT, in true soap style, everyone does seem to know everyone else's business. Gossip spreads like wildfire, crossing over generation gaps and travelling in from the surrounding villages. Now this isn't a problem for me, my life is hardly scandalous being stuck in backward circumstances as I am! However, there is another symptom of 'The Goldfish Bowl Syndrome' to which I fall victim.

I need some Martini. There is no escaping the fact. I need some and I need some NOW. But I have to go into Marlborough to get some. There is no anonymous corner shop at the end of the street, to which I can skulk off to in my pyjamas. I need to undergo an hour-long intensive grooming session before I can even consider leaving the house. This is because no matter what time I go, day or night, I am guaranteed to bump into at least two people I know, and not uncommonly, ten. Then I have the ritual small talk. Perhaps I like them. All I can think about is that I really need that Martini.

To avoid chat you could duck into the nearest shop - but what happens if they follow you in - or someone even worse traps you inside? Crossing the road helps in the short term - but can you keep zigzagging across with all that 4x4 traffic? If you're walking in opposite directions there is every chance that your paths will cross again as you make your return journey, but this time you will have exhausted your supply of small talk. A nightmare.

However, resistance is futile. If I concentrate hard on not bumping into unwanted people, I go home without completing my objective. The alternative is that it takes me twice as long as it should to get that Martini. I know that the checkout staff think I'm trouble as I often attempt disguise as a means of completing my quest.

This year I'm not watching Big Brother. I don't need to when I feel constantly under surveillance myself!

That'll do.