SBD - Sudden Backward Depression

No matter how gallantly one tries to battle on, there are times when backward circumstances can overcome even the most forward of forward troopers. Suddenly, it can all seem too much - or rather, too little. Forward living does involve a certain element of covering up the sheer dreadfulness of backward life with a fabulous veneer, the deterioration of which can cause SBD to ensue with alarming rapidity.

Bank Holiday weekends - a time when already slow-paced backward life grinds to an absolute halt. Waking up at 11:40am, much of the day has already passed, but as the already limited options for activity dwindle further there is an increasing danger of spending the remainder festering indoors. Consequently, having spent a good hour or so actually getting up, a brief walk (50 or so metres around the garden) ensures that you can say that you have at least left the house.

Upon return, it's time to relax with a coffee and a magazine flick-through. Pages and pages of forward living: the who, the what, the when and the where of fabulousness itself. A subtle pang of stomach pain indicates imminent SBD as you realise you couldn't be further away from these glossy pages. Looking up, escaping from the magazine to the window, you're faced with blustery winds and a lone sheep scratching itself against a paddock fence. ARGH. Quick! Television!… a brief moment as the screen comes to life revealing… Life in the Country! NOOO! Within seconds you're a quivering mess curled up on the bed jabbering 'It's a crisis.. it's a crisis' repeatedly. Sudden Backward Depression has struck.

But how best to deal with this terrible condition? Follow these ForwardGlamour self help bullet points:

· Try to regain control as soon as possible, stand up and breathe deeply. This will calm the panic and settle the nerves.

· Do not feel trapped by the backward circumstances. Remember that no matter how backward they are, you yourself remain forward.

· Try to appreciate the positive effects. Your hardship now will provide much basis for intriguing conversation at future high society social events, while the rural air helps keep your complexion clear and youthful, saving you a small fortune.

· Start to watch a Western. Torture, yes, but so completely irrelevant to your current situation that you'll soon be back on top form wondering why it is you're sat down watching such rubbish, and move on to more forward doings.