Lemon meringue pie.
Could this be the answer to Global Warming? Pop it in the oven for half an hour on high, and it comes out colder than when it went in! It's a miracle!

Madonna.
Superstar status but would lend you some sugar and pop round for a chat. The unwashed masses may not be ready to appreciate such a daring 'rap', but we say it's pretty damn fabulous. We love her attitude and no media pressure shall convince us otherwise.

Coffee Tables.
Should you end up entertaining it's vital that these surfaces are aplenty. Don't limit seating creativity by pinning sofas to sideboards, instead invest in a small nest, moveable of course, and put your cup down where you will.

Blatant Advertising.
Frankly we've had enough of this subliminal nonsense, we want to know when we're being targeted so tell it to us straight.

Doorhandles.
You've got the rounds, the crystals and the brass but to be honest we're tired of these spring loaded little latch things. We want industrial strength, we want aviation standard, we want open or closed with arrows to go with it.  We want to use our arm muscles! Where are the neon signs and floor level lights?

Thinking.
Our advice: don't engage the brain.

P.M.A.
Positive mental attitude. Think thin and you shall be thin. Think stylish and you shall be stylish. Think of the cheeky girls, and you can be sure that you'll have their song in your head for days!

Art.
There is a place in society for country artists-but is it really on your kitchen wall? Yet ANOTHER valley scene with a lonely sheep, that could be some low flying clouds. Does that inspire you? No. We are NOT a craft fair. Copying doesn't require thought; it is not an art form. Concept is the key. You know that you're fabulous, so go and create some fabulous art!

Celine.
Excess foundation and another album -is this the secret to staying power? Her pixie feet have got us grooving, she makes crap for the masses and is proud of it. Look out for the Forward 'Ode to Celine' coming soon.

Slippers.
Unlike socks they are never washed, despite accommodating the same sweaty trotters. They are fluffy. It is time to reinvent this frankly rather backward concept. I'm using flip flops and I can hose them down.