Prepare Yourself Soldier

Weeks of experience have shown that some preparation beforehand can improve the quality of your big brother experience.

by Ms Lovely

Assemble the telephone numbers of Channel 4, your ISP and cable provider. 

• So when they cut the feed this time you can bombard them with phonecalls  '... for f*cks sake he was just about to .. ' .

Do a lot of Shopping during the re-runs

• Most supermarkets are open 24/7 now. Take advantage of this.
• Remember, cults use high-sugar low protein diets to help control your mind. Eat your greens. Or you might start to think that 'Nick Bateman' was a clever evil genius, and not a stupid self-important idiot who lost. 
• Snacks that can fall onto your keyboard are no good.
• Caffeine - in several forms, coffee, cokey cola, pro-plus
• Wetwipes (see hygiene)

  What munchies won't fall into your keyboards..or mess up your mouse.

  We aren't talking health food. OK?

  • Pringles and Dip, just make sure you choose a globulous dip like houmous and not something runny like Tzatziki. And choose the non-crinkle variety to make you feel like you made a healthy choice.

  • Any food thats normally served at a wedding buffet like sausage rolls, small sarnies (not a deli-delight full of runny mayonnaise), little pies/quiches/rolls,sausages on sticks..small buns, muffins or crisps (chips). Potato wedges served with sour cream are nice...

  • Chocolate - Just keep it in the fridge beforehand to prevent 'chocolate mouse' syndrome.
  • Popcorn, Chupa Chups and little childrens lollies are also good.

  • Any food that requires cutlery or any preparation is not a good idea.

Tell your friends

• Tell all your acquaintances that you are going on safari and will be unavailable for some weeks.
• Tell your male friends that you just had a traumatic break-up (this should keep them away), tell your chick friends you've met the love of your life (they will give you space automatically).

Change your job

• Make sure you have access to a continuous feed, if you don't have this, change your job NOW! 

Personal Hygiene

• Jim Morrison wore the same pair of leather pants without washing for weeks on end. However, its not ok for you to develop these habits just so you dont' waste valuable BB watching time washing and cleaning.  (Should you really REALLY be addicted to BB, wetwipes are available at your local chemist (see shopping) ).

Housework

• F*ck that

Sex

• No ta, we'd rather watch other people try and get it. probably unsuccessfully. 

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