- Subject: Final warning about the "Good
Times" virus
- Date: 01.01.2000
- From: well_meaning_friend@hooklineandsinker.com
- To: guillable-newbie@newbiesrus.co.uk
- READ THIS:
Here is some important information. If you receive
an e-mail with the subject set to Good Times DO NOT OPEN IT. This e-mail contains a deadly
virus which will become resident in your machine. Good Times will re-write your hard drive.
Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It
will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It
will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your video
and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play. It will give
your ex-boyfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It
will drink all your beer and leave its knickers on the coffee table when your new bloke is
coming over. It will spill yoghurt all over your good suit and hide your car keys when you
are late for work. Good Times will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you
nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your petrol tank and shave off both
your eyebrows while seeing your boyfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and
hotel room to your credit card. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't
find it. It will kick your cat. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice
mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. Good Times will give you Dutch Elm
disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of methamphetamine in your
bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase school kids
in your car. This is very real, and received from IBM this morning...
Virus Hoaxes
Sooner of later you will be sent an e-mail by a
well meaning friend warning you of a dangerous virus that may be sent to you in an e-mail
with the subject header "Good Times". Other common ones are the
"Deeyenda" virus, "Join the Crew" virus, "Win a Holiday"
virus and many more. Just ignore these messages. They are hoaxes. It is impossible to
catch a virus from merely opening an e-mail. A virus can only become resident on
your machines through running an executable file such as a (.exe file). The time to be
careful is when opening an e-mail attachment (especially if it is a Microsoft Office file
such as Word which contain Macros). If unsure save the attachment to your floppy or
hardrive and virus check it before you open it. You should always have a virus checker
loaded on your machine as they not only detect but can also clean viruses. For more info
on virus hoaxes check out: http://www.kumite.com/myths/
VIRUS ALERT!
List of newly discovered viruses
BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard
disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly
shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a
"virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic
microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a
file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to
first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Their is something rong wit your
komputer,ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all
your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it
makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
CIVIL SERVICE VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into
hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim
to be the most important part of your computer.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of
your Apple.
POLITICIAN VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen
splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the
problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in London, but your data is
in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with
marrying its own motherboard.
PMT VIRUS: Your computer refuses to run and sits
there snarling at you.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy,
then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural
England.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off
key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on
shoes.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places
where no virus has gone before.
THE COMPULSIVE HAIR DYE VIRUS: the desktop
pattern/picture/color changes radically every 2 or 3 days.
MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory from
your computer.
BILL GATES VIRUS: Buys out all other files and then
charges them to run.
THE BORG VIRUS: It quickly assimilates your
computer, Resistance is futile.
TITANIC VIRUS: Makes your whole computer go down.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after one byte.
PROZAC VIRUS: Messes up your RAM but your processor
doesn't care.
SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS: Won't let you into any of
your programs.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Turns your hard drive into a
3.5 inch floppy.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets
where it is stored.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Your IBM suddenly claims
it's a MAC.
DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in the computer goes
Goofy.
X-FILES VIRUS: All your Icons start shape shifting.
SPICE GIRL VIRUS: Has no real function, but makes a
pretty desktop. |
